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1. Understand about being attacked, as I reflect back, no one has all the information or maybe doe not understand
completely.
2. Are you aware of the 5 Stages of Grief ? The first one, if I am correct is DENIAL. When my husband's last illness
was diagnosed, it had already spread. His was esophagus cancer, stage 4 and had spread to his liver, lymph nodes
and lungs. Did I want to accept, in a few months, my husband of 42 years and 15 days, would be dead in a short time ?
My Lord is good, am kookier maybe more than usual. Trying to help folks, like yourself and quit feeling sorry for myself.
Oh! My husband, for me, went home to our Lord, almost six months to the day of his diagnosed.-February, 2012.
Responders to your question have given any number of possible reasons why someone would change the reality for cause of death. Without knowing the people you cited personally, responders are just guessing as to the reason(s).
You really have two choices - let it go and just acknowledge that you don't understand or know why, or ask the people directly. If you choose Door Number 2 you may get your answers or you may just get angry dismissive responses.
People change reality for many reasons - guilt, inability to face the truth, trying to protect the deceased, other reasons I couldn't even begin to understand.
Anyone have some words of wisdom to help me understand?
And you complained repeatedly that "no one answered you." As others have pointed out, quite a few people answered, you just didn't like the answers, you had already made up your own mind. It's best not to solicit advice unless you want to hear it. The consensus was that no one understood why you were so bent out of shape about an extremely minor issue.
How anyone deals with grief (even if they lie about it or the cause of death) is THEIR business. Not yours or anyone else's.
1. Understand about being attacked, as I reflect back, no one has all the information or maybe doe not understand
completely.
2. Are you aware of the 5 Stages of Grief ? The first one, if I am correct is DENIAL. When my husband's last illness
was diagnosed, it had already spread. His was esophagus cancer, stage 4 and had spread to his liver, lymph nodes
and lungs. Did I want to accept, in a few months, my husband of 42 years and 15 days, would be dead in a short time ?
My Lord is good, am kookier maybe more than usual. Trying to help folks, like yourself and quit feeling sorry for myself.
Oh! My husband, for me, went home to our Lord, almost six months to the day of his diagnosed.-February, 2012.
Found this that says there are 7 stages (but I suppose it depends on the site you select): 7 STAGES OF GRIEF
I had an uncle who died in his 70s of a heart attack while having sex with his long-time mistress. The official story was that he'd died in his sleep, when his heart stopped. The purpose of the "lie" was to save my aunt and her adult children the embarrassment about the fact that he had this affair going for 30+ years. There are as many reasons for changing or disguising the cause of death as there are causes of death.
Okay, I think the public confuses "cause of death" with "contributing factors."
Have you ever looked at mortality stats from hospitals? I have worked with those stats so have knowledge in this area.
The official reasons for someone's death may not be the same as what made them sick.
For example, a person with AIDS is admitted to the hospital but dies due to PNEUMONIA. The cause of death would be - PNEUMONIA but the underlying disease would be AIDS.
So it would be true and factual to say that person died of PNEUMONIA.
My grandmother suffered with an extremely rare type of vaginal cancer that spread to her cervix, uterus and ovaries. However, her death certificate says she died of an arterial rupture, wh/ was true. But it also states that she had been diagnosed with vaginal cancer 12 years earlier, wh/ spread to other organs. (Vaginal cancer is almost never detected until it has spread - it is like tiny bumps in many cases, as was my grandmother's). She endured surgeries and treatment for over 12 years b/f her death. Everyone knew she had a hysterectomy so they could understand that she had uterine cancer, so for 12 years, everyone referred to my grandma as having uterine cancer and when she died, they said she died of uterine and ovarian cancer. The vaginal cancer is NOT what killed her; its spread is what killed her, so they were technically correct . . . but by OP's assumption, they were "lying" by not stating what was on the death certificate: arterial rupture.
Or maybe OP would think they were "lying" by not stating the onstart of her cancer, which was vaginal cancer, not uterine/ovarian cancer. ????
Before folks start judging others about someone's "cause of death," let's take a deep breath and realize that what actually kills us - some organ not functioning (for ex., renal failure) may not be the underlying cause of that person's illnness but it is not LYING when someone says . . . "he died of renal failure."
No, they knew as soon as they opened her up that the cancer was Peritoneal (the exploratory surgery was scheduled to confirm the diagnosis of Ovarian cancer and possibly remove cancerous material). I have seen the death certificate as well, as I was the one helping Dad with the "stuff" that needed to be done as the months passed.
Just a few hours ago, I realized that after reading what my stepsister wrote, I followed along her path - it was not Cervical cancer she was diagnosed with at first, it was Ovarian. The ovaries and the peritoneal sac are not both part of the reproductive system, btw. I can understand her mixing up those two cancers in this case (Ovarian/Cervical), as they are both part of the reproductive system - actually, I was discussing this with my husband and my 12 year old son jumped in and said, "I thought the doctors first said she had Ovarian cancer." Of course, I realized immediately that correcting me about a point of fact was cause to beat him in the general opinions of some of the posters here, but chose to restrain myself and respond to him calmly.
Again, for me anyway, this was about understanding, not judging... how many posters are going to continue skimming posts before they read that part?
And you complained repeatedly that "no one answered you." As others have pointed out, quite a few people answered, you just didn't like the answers, you had already made up your own mind. It's best not to solicit advice unless you want to hear it. The consensus was that no one understood why you were so bent out of shape about an extremely minor issue.
How anyone deals with grief (even if they lie about it or the cause of death) is THEIR business. Not yours or anyone else's.
Hmmm.... again, no. I asked if anyone could help me understand. Instead, the posters responded by accusing me of judging her, or telling me to let it go, or telling me what I was doing wrong in asking the question online. If you're going to respond to a thread, read the post and quit making false assumptions about what I did and when.
I'm done with this thread. I did get some helpful responses and I choose to focus on those. mod cut
Last edited by Sam I Am; 08-10-2012 at 06:58 PM..
Reason: no lashing back - just report the post if you have a problem with it
No, they knew as soon as they opened her up that the cancer was Peritoneal (the exploratory surgery was scheduled to confirm the diagnosis of Ovarian cancer and possibly remove cancerous material). I have seen the death certificate as well, as I was the one helping Dad with the "stuff" that needed to be done as the months passed.
Just a few hours ago, I realized that after reading what my stepsister wrote, I followed along her path - it was not Cervical cancer she was diagnosed with at first, it was Ovarian. The ovaries and the peritoneal sac are not both part of the reproductive system, btw. I can understand her mixing up those two cancers in this case (Ovarian/Cervical), as they are both part of the reproductive system - actually, I was discussing this with my husband and my 12 year old son jumped in and said, "I thought the doctors first said she had Ovarian cancer." Of course, I realized immediately that correcting me about a point of fact was cause to beat him in the general opinions of some of the posters here, but chose to restrain myself and respond to him calmly.
Again, for me anyway, this was about understanding, not judging... how many posters are going to continue skimming posts before they read that part?
I don't think you got my message to you at all. It would be no more a "lie" to say the woman had "abdominal cancer" as it is anything else. Her cancer spread/metastasized.
From what you wrote, it seems to be extremely important to you to make sure everyone understands that you are right and they are wrong.
My mother is this way and I have seen her go to the trouble of going down to the records dept at the county court house and getting copies made of death certificates to prove she is right about someone's cause of death.
Like my hubby said to me (privately) one day -- unless you have a genetic reason for knowing why someone died . . . who the hell cares? They are still just as dead whether anyone understands what killed them or not.
I would suggest you get a copy of the death certificate, just like my mother does, and make copies of it, underline the "cause of death" and send them anonymously to everyone who knows your stepsister, as well as the folks who are in charge of the walk-a-thon so everyone will know your stepsister has misrepresented the precise type of cancer her mother died of -- and you will have proved what a liar your stepsister is.
Of course, since you will be doing it anonymously, you won't be able to say "I told you so," but knowing you one-upped your stepsister and proved she is a liar ought to be satisfying enough for you, in the long run.
A work acquaintance in NYC contracted AIDS and went back to a small Oklahoma city to live and die with his parents. He was very active in the management of his illness, and quite impressed his doctors. When he died his parents, who were strong Baptist church members, of course had a church funeral for their son. They specifically requested that the minister in his eulogy mention the cause of their son's death and work he had done in caring for other persons with AIDS in the past.
When I saw the thread title, this is the topic that comes to mind. When I was working in ATL in a high-rise, I was cordial with an Irish Catholic from Long Island who worked in another part of our floor. He was a man of few words and did not spar with anyone. Suddenly, he begins asking me how much certain properties he had on L.I. could fetch, knowing that I was a fan of the NY area and knew all the Northeasterners on the floor. It didn't make any sense.
Fast forward: I moved away and no longer worked for that company. I was talking to another friend, a New Yorker, who still worked there and we discussed certain people. She mentioned that this guy from L.I. died from HIV-related causes. As he succumbed to the illness, this became known to his co-workers. My friend was furious that, out of an entire floor, only 2 or 3 people were in attendance at his funeral Mass, most likely as a judgment of him and/or their lack of "comfort" with the issue. Wake up, folks. This was your co-worker for years.
With death certificates available for purchase, what's the point in lying?
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 08-11-2012 at 02:17 PM..
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