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Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,570,310 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
Knowing "why" can sometimes lead you to help others. Having all the information helps. My kids weren't devastated as much as they would've been by their favorite Grandma's passing had they really expected to spend the summer with her again, which I had explained was unlikely. That if she was still alive, that would be a gift, but that her illness was too severe and that the Peritoneal sack is not something that can heal (her surgeon's description was that it was lace, and he opened her up and closed her immediately)
sskkc: My dad died of heart failure (officially), but he had cirrhosis from Hep B he got in WWII when he was a medic, that stayed dormant for 30 years, before it "woke" up and attacked his liver. With his liver not functioning properly for all those years, he developed congestive heart failure, and eventually that killed him. His death certificate says
Cause Of Death: Natural Primary: Cardiac Arrest As A Result Of: Congestive Heart Failure Duration: 5 years Secondary Cause: Cirrhosis of the Liver Duration: Unknown
So, when people asked how he died, I said Heart Attack; I never said "Well, at age 67, he had a Cardiac Arrest as a result of congestive heart failure he'd had for 5 years that was actually caused by cirrhosis he got from Hep B as he was a medic and handled lots of bloody bodies in WWII when he was 20."
He died in 1989 and by two months after the funeral, people went on with their lives, and his cause of death, or even his death in the first place, didn't cross too many people's minds anymore. Having all the facts about your step-mom's death is really just for you. You want details. That's ok. But, not too many people will really care or question your sister's motives for saying her mom died of peritoneal cancer rather than cervical cancer. That's just semantics, anyway. It shouldn't matter as long as your sister is doing something positive as a result of her mom's passing. They'll admire that.
Don't dwell on your sister's possible motives, denial, fear, guilt, shame or whatever for saying her mom died of Cervical Cancer, because it will consume you and you will harbor resentment long after everyone's moved on, that's really unhealthy for you, and those around you.
Last edited by Marcy1210; 08-13-2012 at 01:59 AM..
Suicides must be a tough one. This warrants another thread, either here or under Religion. However, between junior and senior year in HS, a Catholic HS in California, we had 2 deaths. One was an auto accident and the other was a suicide. The person who died in the auto accident was a popular surfer. The person who committed suicide was very quiet and private.
Fast forward to the final yearbook. There was a friggin' 2 page spread dedicated to the surfer. There was no mention of the other kid who died, possibly because the school's Catholic administration felt it was inappropriate to commemorate him. I felt that a simple memorial picture was needed, with DOB and DOD, and a few kind words. (However, if the family wanted it omitted, that's a different story).
Sometimes, religious conventions handle or view death inappropriately, and continue to pass judgment even when a person lapses. Here, a surfer was viewed as more "valuable" than a reserved, and not-very popular, student. Warped, at the very least.
Yes, some people are very very private I know for a fact that If I was being treated for something (anything) medically I would never in a million years discuss it with casual acquaintances and would be totally livid if after my death my family gave out any additional information- period
robertpolyglot, definitly warped about the suicide not being mentioned, as if he didn't matter...
people still have a taboo about suicide, some fear it as if they'd catch it if they said the word.
robertpolyglot, definitly warped about the suicide not being mentioned, as if he didn't matter...
people still have a taboo about suicide, some fear it as if they'd catch it if they said the word.
Okay, I am now totally confused. What suicide? Who is "he", I thought robert said the deceased he hates was a woman?
I have serious doubts about many 'causes of death'. If you read my H's death certificate, it says he died of atherosclerosis and secondarily, high blood pressure. He may have had atherosclerosis but I know he had low cholesterol. And also, I was with this man for 40 years and his BP was always borderline low and NEVER high. He was a very laid back person. Granted, things can change but I really don't think his death had anything to do with the two things they mentioned. I think he had a heart attack and just died. THAT runs in his family. But we will never know for sure.
When they do the autopsy, they want to prove the person died of natural causes. Most of the time, as soon as they figure out there was no criminal action that caused the death, they don't care anymore. They have to spend their time on more important cases. I saw H's autopsy report and they did nothing more than cover the bases. Cheap and fast.
I know how they came up with H's COD. The investigator from the ME's office brought up blood pressure problems because they found a bottle of potassium along with his other vitamins. Potassium is often used as a cheap non-prescription way to lower blood pressure. But that wasn't why H took potassium. Right next to the potassium was a bottle of magnesium. H did have problems with leg cramps and he alternated the two minerals and that got rid of the cramps. Both were very low dose. But as soon as that investigator found those pills, he KNEW. And even though I explained why H took the pills, he didn't listen.
I think a lot of it depends on who you're telling. One of my grandmothers was one of several suicides in that part of the family. Casual acquaintances, say my neighbors or co-workers don't need to hear that and it would probably shock some people and make them feel uncomfortable. I've told some close friends and obviously, I'm talking about it here.
Until I was about 13-14, my mother told me that my grandmother died after being ill for a long time. Which is true & I think was an age appropriate way to handle it. She told me the details around 13-14. The official cause of death is along the lines that she stopped breathing, a danger of the drug she overdosed on. Without realizing other people didn't know, I said something to relatives (my age and older). Some still deny it. I don't question it. I do think though, that as kids in the family get old enough, they should be aware there's a familiy history of depression so if they do experience suicidal impulses, they can get help.
My dad died when after being treated for lung cancer, which spread to his brain, his heart stopped beating. I usually say lung cancer if anyone asks because that's what triggered the events which caused him to die. And even with that, I usually get the "did he smoke" question. He did, but there were enviornmental factors too. I've never used it, but while reading a what not to say to the grieving page, I came across a reply for that one, "I don't know, I didn't attend the cremation" I've been tempted to use that one!
I've used the less information version about my grandmother's cause of death (she was very ill, which is technically true, I don't mention it was mental illness, instead of physical). But not my dad's (or at least what I believe to be the cause, the lung cancer).
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