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My stepsister is participating in a walkathon for cancer, in memorial for her mother. She has posted a link to a site where you can donate funds, in her mother's name. I went to donate and found there was a little blurb, written by her.
My stepmother died of Peritoneal Cancer. It's a rare form of cancer, almost always terminal, usually mistaken for Cervical Cancer, initially (as hers was, initially). Her mother passed within less than 2 months of her diagnosis. It was very sad. She had been on a 'diet' for 25+ years, and when she finally began losing significant weight, she and everyone else (including her doctors) believed it was because of the exercise she was doing. Two years later, the pain began and by the time they did exploratory surgery to determine what was wrong, it was too late.
The thing is, my stepsister is doing a walk for Cervical Cancer. Her blurb specifically states, "I lost my mother to Cervical Cancer less than two years ago. Something needs to be done to prevent other people from being inflicted". Why lie about what type of cancer it was?
I have heard others lie too at times, two of them being my father and best friend.
One of my father's closest friends died from pneumonia 15 years ago. But when we were talking about him one night and it came up (the cause) Dad started insisting "Paul" died from cirrhosis of the liver.
One of my friend's brothers died from testicular cancer 5 years ago. He was mentally challenged and it had metastisized by the time he was diagnosed - which came about because he had a heart attack and was brought to the ER. He passed 3 months later. Now my friend tells people his brother died from a heart attack at the age of 35.
At first, with my dad and friend each I asked, "You mean [insert reason here]?" and both of them got combative and upset and LOUDLY angry that I even asked. I'm not about to correct my stepsister. I just don't understand why they need to lie about the reason.
Anyone have some words of wisdom to help me understand?
My wife died of breast cancer. However, it was really the metastisized brain cancer or one of the many other locations that actually *killed* her. But the official terminology is breast cancer.
In the case of your step sister, did you ever consider that she got sick and tired of explaining what the super rare cancer was and just calling it cervical cancer was good enough? Does it matter really because neither ACTUALLY killed her but wherever it metasticized too sure did.
The heart attack quite possibly caused other complications that lead to his death while the cancer may not have progressed. Unless you ahve a detailed autopsy, that's unknowable.
This thread is somehow touching a hot button which I don't understand. Why all the anger coming out? Different points of view I understand, but not the vehemence.
This thread is somehow touching a hot button which I don't understand. Why all the anger coming out? Different points of view I understand, but not the vehemence.
The death of a loved one creates a variety of emotions. Our death is one of the biggest events in our lives. Wouldn't we all want to go out in an act of selflessness that saved others? Sadly that is not an option given to most of us. We all want the death of those close to us to have meaning also. Anger about the death of a loved one from what seems to be an uncalled for affliction is a natural reaction. It doesn't have to make sense.
GL2
It occured to me last night that my husband actually died of starvation caused by his esophageal cancer (he wouldn't have another feeding tube put in) but the death certificate says the cancer was what killed him, which, by rights is correct.
Going back to post #43, what do death certificates list for suicides? I'm still disgusted when I think of the way both the administration and students in my HS handled that.
Going back to post #43, what do death certificates list for suicides? I'm still disgusted when I think of the way both the administration and students in my HS handled that.
I'd be disgusted too, robert. We had a young lady kill herself when I was in HS too and she wasn't even mentioned in the Year Book.
Which, nowadays would have been treated as death "unknown" and an investigation would have ensued. How many teenage girls go out into a pretty isolated area of town and then hang themselves from a tree??? Her skeleton wasn't found for years until the land was developed which still only takes us into the '70s and there was no way for her death to be ruled anything but a suicide I guess. I still think of her every time I pass by her old house.
Robertpolyglot, speaking as a former police officer, the death certificates in our area actually stated the cause of death; head trauma due to self-inflicted gunshot wound, overdose, etc., unless there was a primary cause of death - pneumonia secondary to X.
I think the important thing to remember regarding this whole thread is that death certificates do not always tell the entire story, nor does the family always want the story out for the world to see - in my opinion, that's their prerogative. Even if you know better than what is being presented, there's no real reason for bringing it up or dwelling on it.
We all have demons and we all have skeletons in our closets....best not to question someone else's motives or dig too deeply in search of the "truth". One day we may be under the same microscope and screaming "but it's not FAIR". I can't see what possible good can come of forcing someone to confront something they clearly don't want to, even if I don't understand the reason why. It's really not my place...<shrug>...people cope in any way they can in times of great emotional turmoil, who am I to upset that?
Going back to post #43, what do death certificates list for suicides? I'm still disgusted when I think of the way both the administration and students in my HS handled that.
In my grandmother's case, she died in the early 60s, her cause of death was something technical for her breathing stopping. She oded on prescription medication. The family is divided as to whether this was an accidental death or a suicide.
That grandmother also had 2 siblings who hanged themselves (in the 1960s/1920s), though I don't know what their death certificates said. A cousin of her's died while supposedly cleaning his gun (guessing somewhere in the 60s/70s), the family suspects suicide. I think that one was officially considered accidental.
When it comes to suicide, many religions still have stigma attached to it. I remember reading here & there it was common not to list suicide so as to not make the family's grief worse. Until recently, I think some religions had traditions of not giving suicides the same mass/funeral service and not burying them in the same ground as other deaths.
Having seen the impact in my own family, I can say suicide exacerbates grief because it has everyone wondering if they could have done something to prevent it. So there's a shame/blame, not associated with other causes of death which the survivors deal with. For the record, I don't think there's a lot you can do to "stop" a suicide. You can call 911 or encourage them to go to the hospital, but that's about it.
So I think that, combined with the religious view led people in law enforcement and the medical field to just stick to the cause of death so as to spare the family additional anguish. Plus it's not always clear if it's an accident or intentional. Such as my grandmother's death. She left a note but no one could read the handwriting so they don't if it was a suicide note or a to do list or grocery list. From what my mother and other family members have described, it sounds like she may have been bipolar. So I think that tends to support the suicide theory, but we'll never know 100 percent for sure.
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