Fourteen months.

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

Thank you both. Wow, I thank you for your concern. I had no idea how I sounded until someone "liked" my very first post. OMG, if I did not know that was me, I would have been very concerned for that person. Unfortunately I did not keep a journal.

I, too, have followed you both since my time being here in this grief room, and I have to say I am very proud of you both. You have come a long way. We all have grown, that is for sure. Marcy, I my thoughts will be with you during your time in Colorado, sending you lots of love and hugs.
Tam, I sure have learned allot from you. I thank you for sharing your life with us.

I wish all of us could get together, those of us that have shared our stories and supported each other. Perhaps that day will come, who knows. Maybe I will rent a RV and pick everyone up and we will go to a campground and share. From Arizona to Massachusetts and those in between.

Thank you all for your support, caring, kindness and love. Hugs to all.

Smilinpretty,

It's wonderful you can see the difference of where you were and where you are today. When someone new posts you can always share your first post and those you've written in this thread. Perhaps someone feels or thinks much like you did in your first post but is unable to write the words. You may have given someone hope or encouragement from your post.

You also prove that strangers can become friends who care about you and your recovery.

Good luck on your continuing path of recovery and living your life.

MSR

[Marcy1210]

Originally Posted by Mtn. States Resident

Marcy,

I have admired many of your thoughtful and tender posts. I admit I did not realize the time since you lost your husband until you will meet with some of your family in CO and scattering his ashes soon. You've been a pillar of strength and common sense advice for so many.

I encourage you to feel what you feel now, cry, and tell all of us how we can help. I think every emotion you listed above, and maybe more will resurface. It is different to deal with the initial shock, losses and all the decisions when many others are there to support. As you've found ways to cope or deal with things you've had to do you always knew your husband's ashes were with you.

It will be different taking his ashes to CO and knowing they won't be returning with you. I don't know if this is a possibility or even something you would want to consider: would it comfort you to have a small amount of your husband's ashes remain with you? It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's about what you need.

Or is there some other personal belonging of your husband's that you can have close to comfort you?

Others may have better suggestions. If we know what is the most difficult we can offer ideas, support and caring.

Don't feel like you have to apologize to anyone for how you feel. I'd be scared, sad and full of memories this week. You may have very gentle and memorable events happen on this journey. Just don't pretend everything is okay when you're going through a huge step dealing with your losses in a different way.

I'll be thinking of you......

MSR

Thank you, MSR. I had a very shaky experience with his ashes today. I did decide to keep some here in his urn as it's so beautiful. A friend made it, and it's shaped like a ginger jar, but hand carved from from a downed aspen tree in our yard, and it has turquoise and silver inlays to represent our Arizona life in the winter (now my home). It's big, 14" high and 6" wide. I hadn't opened the urn before, but today I did. Inside was a plastic bag with his ashes. I couldn't just lift the bag out because of the shape of the urn, so I had to pour some into a Ziploc bag to take to CO. Seeing his ashes pour out slapped me in the face that this was HIM. My husband. This was all that was left. I didn't want to "throw him away" down a hill in the same aspen grove from where the wood for his urn came. But, it's what he wanted. I filled a 1 gallon Ziploc storage bag, and that wasn't even half the ashes. With the ashes there was also a burned coin with a number on it, and a certificate of cremation. I hadn't know they were in the urn. Anyway, it was extremely disconcerting to be able to see recognizable chunks of bone and realize they were Bob's. That was all that was left of him. And I made a macabre observation, too. There were no teeth, so no skull. I guess they don't give you that part. I put the Ziploc bag into a velvet bag I'd made and had sewn a Denver Broncos logo and a Colorado Rockies logo on it, along with logos from his favorite dive shops in Hawaii. I packed the bag in tissue paper and will mail it to Bob's sister where I'll be staying.

I didn't get rid of anything of Bob's until this past Spring, when I was able to give his Dockers and shoes to Goodwill, and some of his really nice long sleeve dress shirts to a consignment shop. I kept a lot of his short sleeve dress shirts and all his t-shirts as many of them fit me. I also kept some of his sweatshirts for the same reason. I kept his bathrobe as he wore it every morning, and every night before bed. It's an ankle length, navy blue velour with a tie belt. I haven't washed it and I'll often sleep with it next to me. I have all his jewelry, his wallet, all his ID cards~~Driver's license, Bar Association membership cards, Scuba certification cards, etc. And I took over his cell phone so I kept his voice message. When I want to hear his voice, I call my cell phone. That just destroys me, but I love it. He's still a very big part of me. I have a 4x6 picture in a frame in every room, and I talk out loud to myself, him, the cats, the dog, the turtle.....so I hope he hears me. He stops by every once and a while in a dream, or a whisper in my head when I least expect it, so I know he's still with me.

I'll be keeping busy packing, organizing Andrew's packing, helping him close down his apartment, taking the Yorkie to Petsmart Hotel, and paying bills ahead of time...all the things that need to be done.

I'm going to have to figure out how to make an album here on C-D or else figure out an Instagram account and upload my pictures from the computer....lots of things to put in place before we go.....

[CArizona]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

Hi all my dear friends,

Someone marked they liked my post that I posted a year ago, right after my husband passed away. Wow, reading it scared me. I was not in a good place that is for sure.

Fast forward. So many changes took place on all levels over the past fourteen months. At first, I felt I wasn't going to make it without my husband, his loss devastated me but over months realized he wasn't coming back. I think of my life, as sticking my toe In a pool of cold water, once my toe becomes use to the cold water I submerge my foot into the cold water until it feels comfortable, so on and so forth. Life is worth living but right now I am existing and taking one day at a time. I am not happy but I am okay with that.

I have had much time to discover about myself. I am alone in this world with no family and no nearby friends. I am independent and strong. I do not live my life to please others so they will like me. That really felt like chasing my tail. I am lonely but not desperate if that makes sense. I am mostly a loner. I march to the beat of my own drum. People don't make me happy, I make myself happy.

I will never be the same person I use to be, that is for sure. I see life clearly now and not through rose colored glasses.

The grief is less, I am not as sad and I am more optimistic and I like to focus being positive.


I don't believe there is one size fits all, I just muddle through life nowadays.

Keep on!!

Smilin

Smilin...Good way to put it...I feel like I'm "muddling" through life right now too. Still doing "day-by-day."...Congratulations on making it through the past 14 months! Grief can be such a "bumpy road." Don't you think?...I'm looking forward to more "smooth sailing" but I know that I still have obstacles and "set-backs" on the horizon...Good luck to you on your journey. And congratulations for "weathering" all the "storms." You've come a long way!

[Avalon08]

Originally Posted by Marcy1210

Thank you, MSR. I had a very shaky experience with his ashes today. I did decide to keep some here in his urn as it's so beautiful. A friend made it, and it's shaped like a ginger jar, but hand carved from from a downed aspen tree in our yard, and it has turquoise and silver inlays to represent our Arizona life in the winter (now my home). It's big, 14" high and 6" wide. I hadn't opened the urn before, but today I did. Inside was a plastic bag with his ashes. I couldn't just lift the bag out because of the shape of the urn, so I had to pour some into a Ziploc bag to take to CO. Seeing his ashes pour out slapped me in the face that this was HIM. My husband. This was all that was left. I didn't want to "throw him away" down a hill in the same aspen grove from where the wood for his urn came. But, it's what he wanted. I filled a 1 gallon Ziploc storage bag, and that wasn't even half the ashes. With the ashes there was also a burned coin with a number on it, and a certificate of cremation. I hadn't know they were in the urn. Anyway, it was extremely disconcerting to be able to see recognizable chunks of bone and realize they were Bob's. That was all that was left of him. And I made a macabre observation, too. There were no teeth, so no skull. I guess they don't give you that part. I put the Ziploc bag into a velvet bag I'd made and had sewn a Denver Broncos logo and a Colorado Rockies logo on it, along with logos from his favorite dive shops in Hawaii. I packed the bag in tissue paper and will mail it to Bob's sister where I'll be staying.

I didn't get rid of anything of Bob's until this past Spring, when I was able to give his Dockers and shoes to Goodwill, and some of his really nice long sleeve dress shirts to a consignment shop. I kept a lot of his short sleeve dress shirts and all his t-shirts as many of them fit me. I also kept some of his sweatshirts for the same reason. I kept his bathrobe as he wore it every morning, and every night before bed. It's an ankle length, navy blue velour with a tie belt. I haven't washed it and I'll often sleep with it next to me. I have all his jewelry, his wallet, all his ID cards~~Driver's license, Bar Association membership cards, Scuba certification cards, etc. And I took over his cell phone so I kept his voice message. When I want to hear his voice, I call my cell phone. That just destroys me, but I love it. He's still a very big part of me. I have a 4x6 picture in a frame in every room, and I talk out loud to myself, him, the cats, the dog, the turtle.....so I hope he hears me. He stops by every once and a while in a dream, or a whisper in my head when I least expect it, so I know he's still with me.

I'll be keeping busy packing, organizing Andrew's packing, helping him close down his apartment, taking the Yorkie to Petsmart Hotel, and paying bills ahead of time...all the things that need to be done.

I'm going to have to figure out how to make an album here on C-D or else figure out an Instagram account and upload my pictures from the computer....lots of things to put in place before we go.....

Marcy, I probably mentioned this before, but the funeral home had given me a small container of Mom's ashes when I was leaving for FL to settle her affairs -- I had told them I wanted to scatter some on her favorite beach. I was surprised when I saw the ashes. I guess I had expected something that looked like cigarette ashes. But they were flesh-colored and very coarse. I didn't see any bone fragments or anything, but I guess they had sifted through them for the small container. I did scatter some right where she used to sit at the beach. There were some newly-planted palm trees there, which was nice because I know exactly where her ashes are. I have not opened the urn, as it's very heavy marble (actually a rectangular box) and it doesn't have a lid. I guess it opens from underneath, somehow.

So you are mailing the ashes ahead of time? Didn't want to take them on the plane? Anyway, your friends here are thinking of you as you go through this emotional process...

[Marcy1210]

I didn't want TSA going through my carry-on and asking what they were, or, having a TSA agent going through my checked bag and removing them. So, I mailed them overnight Priority mail, no questions asked, and they're going to be at my sil's tomorrow (Wednesday). I told her she could open the package, but she declined...politely.

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by Marcy1210

I didn't want TSA going through my carry-on and asking what they were, or, having a TSA agent going through my checked bag and removing them. So, I mailed them overnight Priority mail, no questions asked, and they're going to be at my sil's tomorrow (Wednesday). I told her she could open the package, but she declined...politely.

Marcy,

I think you've made wise choices for the right reasons. I hope you can feel your husband's love for you as your love for him and honoring his final wishes is evident.

I wish you the inner strength, peace and everything else you need to have your carefully planned event be exactly like you desire.

Best wishes and keep in touch with your CD Family is here for you.

MSR

[Marcy1210]

I found out today that our old house next to the land where we're going to scatter the ashes went on the market today. I saw the pictures posted on realtor.com, and the people who bought it from me three years ago (in my opinion) totally changed the integrity of the house in an effort to modernize it! They probably put about $75K into the house just to close off the open concept and make separate, small rooms. Fortunately, we won't see that from the road. It's sad that the interior no longer resembles what it used to be, what we built it to be back in 1975, so I'm glad I have my photos and memories.

View of where we'll be standing when we scatter the ashes.

What we'll see when we're standing on the road scattering the ashes