How Do You Deal With Your Grief?

[CatwomanofV]

It seems that in the last 6 years, my family has lost so many. It started in Feb. 2008 with the lost of my grandmother who was 99 1/2 years young. Yeah, it was hard losing her but she lived to a ripe age and I was able to handle it ok. Then in Nov. 2008, we lost my oldest sister. She was only 54 years old. While I wasn't that close to her, her death hit me super hard. I went into such a depression.

On April 11th, 2012, I lost my father & my husband's father-ON THE SAME DAY!!!! My father's sister died about 4 months before he did. Then one April 21st, 2013, I lost my mother.

One of my sisters has it even worse than I do. She lost her brother-in-law, & uncle-in-law who she & her husband were VERY close to.

I just feel like my grief weighs me down sometimes. I feel like I wear it every day. I try not to think about it but it is always there. And I am so afraid of losing my husband which I know will happen since he is 17 years my senior.

How do you deal with your grief and can anyone give me any pointers on how I can deal with mine any better because I feel like I am not dealing with it very well.

Thanks.


Cat

[Flamingo13]

I wish I could help - I'm sorry for you losses - I just lost my husband recently, 3/1 (he was 10 yrs. my senior) - I'm looking at NO income, can't work due to illness, feeling sorry for myself today and I don't have anyone I feel like I can call to unload because I don't even know what all I'm feeling.

I'm sorry this isn't supportive, but you aren't alone.

[CatwomanofV]

Originally Posted by Flamingo13

I wish I could help - I'm sorry for you losses - I just lost my husband recently, 3/1 (he was 10 yrs. my senior) - I'm looking at NO income, can't work due to illness, feeling sorry for myself today and I don't have anyone I feel like I can call to unload because I don't even know what all I'm feeling.

I'm sorry this isn't supportive, but you aren't alone.

I am so sorry. I wish I had the words to ease your pain.


Cat

[Faith2187]

I think about her legacy.... I lost my mom in 2012, three days before Thanksgiving. She committed suicide, and I found her body. She did leave a letter explaining her decision and as odd as it sounds I understood it and even knew that she would eventually do it. I suppose there was just as much anguish and heartache and pain, and confusion and grief prior to her committing suicide because two years prior she had started to change and engaged in many actions and did many things that caused a lot of us of pain and fear. I suppose in that regard she prepared us for what she knew she was going to do, in the first place.

Anyway, someone told me, the whenever someone passed away close to her, she would think about their legacy--as in what did that person stand for, what was that person always known to do, and how can you apply that to your life? A friend of mine lost a friend, that was someone who always did exactly what she set out to do. She didn't "talk" the talk, she walked it. And so the legacy this friend took was "to just do it" and that is what she does, constantly thinking upon her friend who just did it.

My mother had many many legacies for me, that I won't go into, but I often think about her, what she stood for, what she would say in certain situations, etc. Most of all, I think about all that she taught me, the strength she gave me, the woman I am today because of her, and half of the time I feel like she is with me--just in spirit instead of the flesh.

Anyway, there are days where it's very difficult, and I let myself feel the pain and heartache and I cry and I miss her. And then I think about her legacy, and happy moments and I almost always smile, especially since I have the knowledge that she is in such a great place right now and is very happy and that I'll join her and see her again, when my time is up too.

In the last three years, I've lost an uncle, my mother, and most recently my grandmother(my mother's mother), and all of them effected me in different ways. I do know that life is too short, and that the people you lost, that love you, would want you to move forward and make the most of the time you have left here.

[Cubanchic]

I lost in DIL and really good friend who was sister's boyfriend all in the same year,the same year I dealt with divorce. That was 1999.

After all these years, you move on and the pain of missing them is still there, I miss her every day, but I am at peace. More from her then from me, they want to move on. Ihom.

My friend always now comes to me when I need him when I am struggling, but it is a stage in my life, if I don't do it he goes away, he lets me do my choices.

I am comfortable to let go of life, only if I did everything or at least attempted it,right with those that I live with. I know that they told me to work on the living. But I mean that after the time you need to let go of the life of the person...meaning knowing they are in the spirit world.

[Gerania]

How Do You Deal With Your Grief?

I really had to think about it. I guess that I wallow in grief, throw a pity party for a while, then indulge myself in small ways. I shirk responsibilities for a while and do something which pleases me. Those people -- the ones I love, who loved me -- would want me to be happy. If I died tomorrow, would anyone really care that I left a few dishes in the sink because I wanted to read for an hour? I don't think so.

[juneaubound]

Originally Posted by CatwomanofV

.
How do you deal with your grief and can anyone give me any pointers on how I can deal with mine any better because I feel like I am not dealing with it very well.

Thanks. Cat

It doesn't really matter how someone else deals with grief because what works for one person won't work for another person. Some get counseling, some read to better understand what they are going through and what to expect next in their grieving process, some drink to escape, some cry, some pray, some have close family and friends they can vent with/cry with/talk to, some reach out to people in this section of the forum who have also experienced great loss and who are struggling to find their way through it. Etc etc and etc.

Ask yourself what you need and then seek it out. If you need to talk, find someone safe to talk to. If you need to pray, pray. If you need alone time, then take the time you need. If you need to cry, then cry all you want. Nothing will change the reality of death or the depths of despair the death can cause those who are left behind, but you need to find a way to get whatever it is you need, to cope with the loss.

Me? I needed a lot of space and to be alone a lot, and I have that. If I didn't have my husband and a son who desperately needed me to be OK, I would have drunk myself contentedly into oblivion. Look inside yourself, figure out what you need (which may be changeable from day to day) and then find a way to find it.

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.............Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

[East Coast Wanderer]

I tend to withdraw and keep to myself for a period of time.

[ipaper]

There is no simple answer because everybody grieve differently. Since 2008 I have also gone through a lot deaths to close family members including my parents, close friends, and church members. My mom died in june of last year and I sometime find myself dealing with that as if it just happened. I'm thankful that my mom no longer have to suffer and that my aunt didn't suffer at all, she went suddenly and quick. I just cherish the good time I had with them and try to keep the memories forever in my heart. I talk about the good times with my siblings and other family members and it helps to talk and laugh about the things they did or said. Exercising and long walks in the park also helps me. Also keep in mind that this is a natural process in the journey call life, and we all have to take that trip soon or later. You have to keep on living in the meantime, our loved ones wouldn't want us to stop living and grieve for them forever. It gets hard sometimes, but the best thing we can do for them is to try to live our days to the fullest and keep their memories alive within us.

[Flamingo13]

Can anyone help with sites to read, etc.? I'm not sure of proper Google terms/phrasing, but that isn't working - I need something to research, friends say "call anytime" but I'm a person that doesn't want to "intrude", even though they say it isn't - I know it is - they have their lives. I find myself drinking to dull everything, that makes me more depressed - I don't even know where to start (it's been 2 weeks, I need to pick up remains and can't bring myself to do that, I'm not religious so folks that say such things aren't helping) - sorry to put things out - I just want to go back to how things were, crawl into a hole somewhere, pretend it isn't real, thoughts are all over the board.