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Ahh, cyn, I'm sorry about your arm and everything else that is bothering you. If it feels any better, my wife and I have more on our plate than we know what ta do with, really. I have my finger in about 6 pots nationwide now, looking for my RPSGT job. The latest is in Ogsdenburg, NY. 11,000 people, right across the river from Ontario, Canada. Ottawa, the Canadian Capital, is only 60 miles north. The average temperature is 44.6 degrees! I don't know about this one but I like a lot about how their RPSGT job is set up. The Sleep Lab Manager wants to talk to me, so I will talk to her today or tomorrow. There's about 5 others going now in the U.S., with varying degrees of severity. I'm filling out an application right now for a RPSGT job in beautiful Colorado Springs, CO, working for a company that services the USAFA there. Keep the prayers coming! It looks like our son will go to work for Amazon nearby in Edgerton, KS.
cyn - I hope that your arm pain goes away, at least enough for you to work well today.
Keeping all of you in my prayers things will work out for the very best in whatever you are hoping for.
I have been pretty lazy the last few days.Mostly just keeping on keeping on. The usual house work laundry animals. I do have good news. The kitty that has been missing for a week was here last night and talking up a storm. So happy to see she is still alive. I was about to give up on her. She looks fine so I am not sure if it was me painting the front porch or the neighbors dog trying to kill her that made her hide out or run off or whatever she did. I am just so thankful she is back and hope she is here again tonight too.
I have spent quite a bit of time working on my mosaic window. This is the largest flower window I have done and now working in the background. I am pleased with how it is turning out.
Tomorrow I have to take the car in for service so I will also get my shopping done while I am that far into town. also take trash to the dump. I also have several things to drop off at the thrift store or I might just add them to the free building at the dump. Would save me another stop.
Wishing every one well and hope all are staying cool. The brutal heat has let up some. Still hot enough.
I was going to start a seperate three but this one seems to be a bit of a sticky for people suffering the loss of someone dear to them. I recently lost the love of my life to medical issues after a long battle with these and other exacerbating factors. She was everything to me. Without her I'm truly lost. My entire sense of purpose went with her along with my heart.
I still see her, feel her, even smell her in everything I see and wherever I go. I really feel that I've been beaten into submission and can find no reason that this should have played out the way it did. After 20 years of being trapped in an utterly miserable and abusive marriage we came together. We had to fight through some of the worst possible things together and we only had a short 5 years together. I wouldn't trade that 5 years for a lifetime.
She was truly unique. In every aspect. Inside and out. She had an energy I could feel if we were world's apart. I try and distract myself from thinking about all the what ifs, the could have been and I just can't seem to focus. None of my activities hold any attraction any more. I sit at home and just seem to die a little more each day. I'm so exhausted because I can't sleep at night and find myself waking up in my chair and not even remembering closing my eyes. One second I'm awake the next I'm coming to wondering what happened and seeing an hour gone on the clock.
I don't have any other friends I can talk to, that I want to talk to anyway. She was the one who understood me, and me her. We spent our time with each other. She had a couple friends she knew from her nursing days who have been just great, and they do understand how I feel. But they don't really know me. So all these feelings and emotions just build up inside till I feel just a small spark and I'll just vanish in an explosion. I'm not suicidal or homicidal, I just feel as if I'm going to just give way.
It's as if a piece of me is gone and it would be easier to do without my arms legs eyes and ears than without that piece. I could easily just saddle up a good horse and vanish into an oncoming Winter storm without any thought to it. I miss her so much. Her crooked little impish smile, the look in her eyes when she needed me to hold her, the feel of her hair on my face and how good it smelled, her silly little sashay dance she would do when she felt frisky and prancy, the way she doted on her cat. Little things that meant so much because they were the real her. Alone never felt so alone.
The male "friends" I have (all two of them) just tell me I have to get over it and find someone else. Even that I should have bailed out a long time ago when the Troubles came. There was no way I could have done that and I can't bear the thought of even trying to just forget her and move on now. I keep trying to rouse myself and go do something. Take my bow to the range and lose myself behind it for a while, call my son up and go fishing, go volunteer at an animal shelter (she would approve of that) even considered counseling. Theater would be useless though. Same old stuff about getting out and meeting new people etc. I don't want new people. Don't need new people. I need her, and she's gone. I often think I may as well just bleed out.
I know she wouldn't want that. I know I need to honor her, not just give up. I don't want another relationship with someone. My heart is gone. I've got nothing to give someone else. The working with animals sounds like something I could actually put something worthwhile into. Helping innocents that can't help themselves. It seems as if I can perhaps share some of what she gave me. I'm babbling aren't I?
Thus far I've manged to pose a fairly good front of keeping it together. I've only fallen apart in front of others once. In solitude it's a different picture. I'm truly glad I don't drink. That's the last thing I need and falling to that would greatly displease her. I can hear her voice in my mind and feel her little hands slapping my face even thinking about that path. I suppose I just needed a place to throw all this out. Sharing it all with strangers in a place where others are doing the same. Tomorrow is another day and maybe the light will come on. Maybe I'll take that ride out to the animal shelter and take her with me. Since I have her heart I side me where my own used to be and she had so much to share in it I can keep her alive by letting it out. Giving it to creatures who truly appreciate and understand it instinctively, and accept it without any judgement or suspicion.
I know I'm not alone here in all these feelings. I'm just trying to fill a hole with a shape that can never be duplicated. It's shaped just like her. There will never be another form anywhere close. She's up there. Watching. Maybe feeling a bit alone herself. Till I can get there and hold her hand as she walks. At any rate thanks to anyone who reads this and can relate to it. My best to everyone who is feeling these same things. Those we love are never truly completely lost to us so long as we remember and honor them. They take our hearts with them but they leave theirs with us. That's a gift. One that lasts. Something that is not seen but felt in no uncertain terms. Also an exchange that we keep for eternity.
I guess I've babbled on enough. But it did feel good to put it all out there even if it sounds nonsensical. It all made sense to me, and probably to at least a few other folks as well. Good luck to all. Maybe there's a glimmer of light in the dark out there. I like to think the first star I see rising in my night is her. Letting me know she's still there. Waiting for me to come take her hand, hold her close, do her little silly dance. And then we can laugh again....
I know I'm not alone here in all these feelings. I'm just trying to fill a hole with a shape that can never be duplicated. It's shaped just like her. There will never be another form anywhere close. She's up there. Watching. Maybe feeling a bit alone herself. Till I can get there and hold her hand as she walks. At any rate thanks to anyone who reads this and can relate to it. My best to everyone who is feeling these same things. Those we love are never truly completely lost to us so long as we remember and honor them. They take our hearts with them but they leave theirs with us. That's a gift. One that lasts. Something that is not seen but felt in no uncertain terms. Also an exchange that we keep for eternity.
I guess I've babbled on enough. But it did feel good to put it all out there even if it sounds nonsensical. It all made sense to me, and probably to at least a few other folks as well. Good luck to all. Maybe there's a glimmer of light in the dark out there. I like to think the first star I see rising in my night is her. Letting me know she's still there. Waiting for me to come take her hand, hold her close, do her little silly dance. And then we can laugh again....
Aw NVPlumber. My heart aches for you. I am sure as you say so do many others here. That empty feeling is so hard to fill. I lost my husband of 31 years last August to pancreas cancer after 4 years. Just tears a person up.
Everything you wrote makes perfect sense and also reflects a lot of what others are feeling here. Many times friends not in your shoes or having experienced what we have are just totally clueless or they would not make those kind of comments. And you are a better man for sticking with your Love. I know many times it would not have been easy for you or any of us.
You have found the right place to talk about your feelings. Maybe too soon to even consider there might come a time when things will get better. I do not mean going out and finding some one else. More you can look back on your memories and smile and some of the pain of your loss becomes lighter. I lost my first husband when I was 21 also to cancer. And even though years later I re-married to my Joe and lost him too. I never forgot the first. You never will either. I am so sorry this has happened to you and all of us here. Stick around and feel free to let it out because we are all there right with you and some times a person just really needs to talk to some one else that gets it. Do not blame your friends for not getting it. I honestly think they believe they are trying to help you. They just do not really understand how this really feels until it happens to them.
Welcome NVplumber! As sorry as I am for your reason for posting here I am very happy you decided to do it here! It is a safe place and the people here all help each other. Most have been through very similar situations as you and we each struggle with it. Only time helps and each person has their own length of time for healing. It's one day at a time my friend. Your friends have obviously not experienced what you have gone through. I'm sure they mean well. What you have done here by posting a great deal of what you are feeling is a great way to get it out. Very important for healing. Please keep coming back as the others here do care and we will all help hold you up and be here for you! You are not alone!
NVPLUMBER< Many of the friends here know exactly how you are feeling. I lost the love of my life, my best friend a month ago and I am still trying to find my way. He was my everything, the most wonderful husband ever. No one could ever live up to him and I won't even bother looking. How do you get through a day? For me I try to have a plan for the next day. My dog is my lifeline right now. She is the reason I get out of bed each morning. As much as I would love to curl up and die, she needs me.
Just got word this AM my daughter's mother in law passed. She is 1500 miles away and the father has dementia. It never seems to end.
NVPlumber - your words are so beautiful they are tearing me up. I've lost granmothers, grandfathers, relatives of all sorts and...my Mom and Dad. And several animals. But to lose my wife? Ahh, man. I am so sorry. I am a man of faith - I do preach to others, it is something I started learning how to do right after we married. I love my wife so very, very much.
All I can say is keep coming here, NVPlumber, your words make perfect sense to me. And no doubt to pretty much all of the others. I can tell you this - what we're in now, on the earth, is not the end all of everything. Just know that God is watching, keeping track, and will make things right. I won't go on a lot about that, I have to share that with you, though, so that you can have hope of seeing her again. John 5:28, 29 explains it all.
Everyone have the very best Friday's they can have!
Ellwood and elko--many thanks for your lovely posts! NV is so in need of all of us to provide that much needed understanding! Yes, we are all or have been going through similar things and the struggle is just that--a struggle.
Ellwood. my animals keep me going too....they need me so that is good reason to get up everyday!
Have a blessed day everyone!
Well the sun is up again. Another night spent grabbing a few minutes blessed sleep where I can get it. Funny how I don't really feel tired even though I'm just exhausted. I want to thank everyone for the caring replies. It's somewhat comforting to have the realization one is not alone and has a safe place to reach out. I've done a lot of posting here on CD that focused on the trials, tribulations and deep, deep feeling that are involved with my lady and I.
She has been the sun, moon and stars to me. Our time together as a couple was so short. We K ew each other and we're very close friends since 1992. That's when we met. The first time I laid eyes on her I was a goner. At that time we were both involved with other people and our kids were just little. When I got out of the horribly abusive marriage I had been trapped in for far to long we sort of just crashed together. Feelings that we had both stifled for so long just came flying out. In this last short five years we loved a lifetime. Went through some seriously brutal battles together, faced all odds. Fi ally we both experienced real Love. That sort of Love where you just know in your heart of hearts that laying down your life to defend it is taken for granted. For my part, I just knew beyond any glimmer of doubt that there was nothing that could tear me away. Nothing I wouldn't face down. No way that I wouldn't stand by her through anything that life could throw. Life made me prove it to. And I would do it all and more again with no hesitation.
She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Inside and out. Totally unique in all aspects. Pulled straight out of my dreams. She was almost two years older than I, she would have been 55 in June. And she still had a girlish look , impish, Elvish even. An aura of mischief of the very best sort. Both of us had suffered horrible accidents when we were young. She had a bad car wreck and me a motorcycle We often theorized that those accidents are what started us on a collision course with each other. They happened at the same time period, and we're very similar in severity. We both carried the scars of those wrecks. We often joked that we didn't need rings on our fingers as those scars spoke louder than anything ever could. Oh how I miss her! Having had Love like that I just know that she was the very peak of my life. I can never even aspire to climb higher. I'll be perfectly fine to just sit here on this mountain top and watch her star rise every night. Again, I want to express thanks to everyone and offer my condolences to all for their losses as well. We meet on the same mountain at the same level. Heaven has new angels. The World is diminished, but is still a better place for our dearest ones having been here.
Last edited by NVplumber; 07-14-2017 at 10:59 AM..
What a romantic lovely post NVplumber. Very touching. You are so fortunate to had had this love with your lady--now you have those memories! Embrace them!
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