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Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,571,496 times
Reputation: 8044
Quote:
Originally Posted by karenkaye
on 9/30/2014 my husband had a bleeding stroke in his brain and passed within 24 hours. i'm on fmla from work.
I know I need to do things, but i feel so overwhelmed. i get the mail but haven't even opened what are obviously sympathy cards. I looked online and saw a griefshare support group locally about 5 miles away, but when the day came that it met I didn't have enough interest to get dressed and go.
I've been working on a list of things to do, like claim forms, etc, but i'll look out the window and see the grass needs cutting, [something he used to take care of], and then I do something mindless like make another cup of coffee and find an old movie on TCM to watch.
i know this behavior will not help me move forward and if i reach the end of my fmla time nothing will have been taken care of and then i'll have to go back to work with all of these things left undone.
for those of you that have been through this, is there hope of ever functioning normally again, when facing the reality that normal has forever been altered? I'm 55 and we were married 20 years.
Karen, my husband of 36 years passed away suddenly five years ago this month. I'm still grieving. I was here in AZ opening up our condo, and he was due to fly down a few days later. He died in the driveway of our home while scraping the ice off his windshield after shovelling the driveway.
I had no choice but to sell our home that we'd shared for 34 years, and move here where I knew nobody, as we had purchased this condo for our "Golden Years". I couldn't maintain two houses, and since I was 57 at the time, it made sense to move to a condo. I sold the house six months after he died. I wish I'd waited because I made some hasty decisions I wish I hadn't.
Some things to do first (from my experience): Get an Estate Attorney. S/he will do all the grunt work so you don't have to. S/he'll get the Letters Testamentary, the copies of the Death Certificate, will contact the Life Insurance company and advise you how to set up an Estate Checking Account, submit claim forms, and so on. You can take your husband off your checking account, especially if you've set up an Estate Account, but you don't need to. Wait until you're ready. You'll pay bills from the Estate Account that are Estate related (cremation, funeral, burial) and even things farther down the line that should be paid from the Estate, otherwise you'll just use your regular joint checking account. If you get a life insurance settlement, put about $5000.00 in the Estate Account and the rest can go into your joint account, or if you have your own account, it can go there. This is why a lawyer is a good idea. (The Estate pays for him). Don't make any big decisions like selling the house, or taking your husband's name off the car, or selling it. Leave your husband's name on whatever you want ~~ it doesn't matter right now. Don't start cleaning out his closet or drawers. Wait until a few months have gone by as there are things of his you may wish to hold on to for now. Don't even worry about the medicine cabinet or shower yet. All of those kinds of things can wait until you're emotionally ready to handle them. For now, think about you. Do what you need to do. Try to eat, even if it's just munching carrots, drink lots of water or tea. Stay away from alcohol and don't self-medicate. What you need most is time and lots of Kleenex. Be easy on yourself, cry when you need to, and don't think about anyone but you. You need to stay healthy.
Don't worry about the grass. Hire a kid or a lawn service. Don't worry about anyone or anything but you. Being strong and bottling things up is horrible. I know, that's what I did. Take all the time you need to cry, scream, or do nothing. You're still in shock, and the reality of losing your husband won't hit you for a while yet, and when it does, you'll want all your strength. Grief is hard. It's painful, it's gut-wrenching, it's mind boggling. If you're the type who could benefit from one-on-one counselling, try and find a therapist who specializes in grief therapy. Or, you could try your local hospital or hospice as they often have a widow/widowers grief group. If you're not the type who likes going to counselling, then staying here and listening to all these people might help, as might other online widow support sites. Will the people at work be understanding and helpful? Do you have a church or synagogue that has some grief counselling? Can you talk to your doctor about your grief, and maybe get some meds that will help you get through the days. Don't be afraid to rely on people. They will go on as though nothing happened, but you know it did, and while your friends or co-workers may be able to laugh and be light-hearted, don't feel you need to be, too.
I wish you the best. There are a lot of us who've lost our spouses, too, so don't be afraid to post and ask any or all questions. I wish you peace......
Some things to do first (from my experience): Get an Estate Attorney. S/he will do all the grunt work so you don't have to. S/he'll get the Letters Testamentary, the copies of the Death Certificate, will contact the Life Insurance company and advise you how to set up an Estate Checking Account, submit claim forms, and so on. You can take your husband off your checking account, especially if you've set up an Estate Account, but you don't need to. Wait until you're ready. You'll pay bills from the Estate Account that are Estate related (cremation, funeral, burial) and even things farther down the line that should be paid from the Estate, otherwise you'll just use your regular joint checking account. If you get a life insurance settlement, put about $5000.00 in the Estate Account and the rest can go into your joint account, or if you have your own account, it can go there. This is why a lawyer is a good idea. (The Estate pays for him).
I would suggest talking to the Clerk of Court and people at the courthouse first..
I was not required to set up an estate and did not need an estate attorney...
Laws are different everywhere and the Clerk of Court can tell you where to start..
Karenkaye, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first husband at age 29, we had been married 10 years. Looking back, the first few months were a total blur. I do know that what got me through the initial weeks was support from friends and family. My mom came and stayed a few days and helped with the funeral arrangements but after that it was mostly relying on friends since all of my family lived several states away.
People want to help, but they truly don't know what to do. Sometimes having someone just drive you somewhere to take care of something is really helpful. I like the idea of making a list -then call and enlist the support of someone who can drive you or go with you. You're more likely to get out of the house if someone is there to pick you up.
It is overwhelming - just take it one day at a time. Make a plan for that day and don't worry about the stuff that's not on today's list.
My heart goes out to you - you have a tough journey ahead and I hope you find the strength to handle it.
I would suggest talking to the Clerk of Court and people at the courthouse first..
I was not required to set up an estate and did not need an estate attorney...
Laws are different everywhere and the Clerk of Court can tell you where to start..
Mine was so easy I was shocked...
I meant settling the estate was easy, certainly not the grief process...
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,571,496 times
Reputation: 8044
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237
I meant settling the estate was easy, certainly not the grief process...
My husband was an attorney, so his estate was extremely complicated as he was a sole practitioner and I had the business to close.
But, that being said, for his personal Estate, I did have to have a separate Estate account for things that were just in his name. I had to sign and endorse checks as "My Name, Personal Representative for the Estate of His Name". He owned a truck in his own name, and I had to sell it. The proceeds had to go into the Estate account until the Estate was settled, as the truck wasn't mine, therefore the money wasn't mine until the Estate was completely probated. There were other things in just his name that I had to transfer to my name, and when there was money due, or received, it had to go into the Estate Account. All of this is for tax purposes, as all legal fees and other Estate expenses were used as deductions on our joint income tax return that was filed after his death. Having an Estate account made it easier to separate Estate items from the joint account or my personal account.
The Clerk of the Court was of little help and advised me to have an Estate Attorney so that I wouldn't overlook something. As it was, I would have overlooked many things and I wouldn't have done some things correctly had I relied on the Courts without an attorney.
I did not have to set up an estate because of our will I beleive ...Things just passed to me ...
I was surprised that I could just sell boats, trailers, a house, land & truck land years later with both our names on the deed..
But real estate attorneys & such all confirmed it was fine..That may differ by state..
My point is that the clerk of court and Estate office at the court is the one that
told me in the beginning what to do..
A long time ago the clerk of court & estate division helped me settle my dad's estate (I was executer)
It was uncomplicated and I did it myself, but it did need an estate set up ...
But time & time again the Clerk of Court has been a huge resourse....
I didn't open an estate when my husband died, because everything was in joint names, except for his IRA, of which I was the beneficiary. So there was no need for an estate.
I did consult an attorney, who did the necessary paperwork so that I can eventually sell our house, which was also owned jointly.
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