Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
No one said this is the way everyone wants to grieve. What has been said by many is that people find comfort in varying things, and I would rather let my family do what works for them, whatever that may be.
The family may not know what they want when a loved one dies unless it is discussed prior. Even if it is an expected death, it may send people into shock and they can not fully function. Money should be discussed, as well as what type of send off would be best for all concerned.
Hi all,
This is exactly the thread I was looking for. My brother just passed away and we are in the midst of a horrible family argument. He was an alcoholic suffering from severe depression for many years. My mom and I are the only ones that have stuck with him throughout this time. Been through hell and back with him, but were, for the most part, always there. He and my mother had talked and his wishes were to be cremated, have a private, non formal memorial, than spread ashes in his favorite spot. My mother would like to abide by his wishes, but my other brother and his wife disagree. They tell me that we are disrespecting his memory and the memory of our deceased father by not allowing our fathers siblings to be with us during this time. My mom can't stand her in laws and doesn't think they should be here (involves traveling cross country and so on) they are high maintenance and while my brother says they will "host" the family, it will still be a lot of work. My question is....where were these people when my brother was living and in need of help? Why didn't anyone reach out a hand then? Are we wrong in not wanting them here? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Since your mother is the decision maker for your brother, she should proceed with the plan she thinks best, according to his wishes, without interference from others. Any other family member who wants to, can have a memorial service, or a gathering of some kind later. If I were you, I would hold off scattering the ashes until you are sure everyone has come to terms. Sometimes, the scattering upsets people, so make sure that you don't want to bury them in one spot instead.
Everyone's emotions are high right now, and maybe the relatives could have done more for your brother, and maybe they couldn't. That is not for you to say, it's between them and their consciences.
Hi all,
This is exactly the thread I was looking for. My brother just passed away and we are in the midst of a horrible family argument. He was an alcoholic suffering from severe depression for many years. My mom and I are the only ones that have stuck with him throughout this time. Been through hell and back with him, but were, for the most part, always there. He and my mother had talked and his wishes were to be cremated, have a private, non formal memorial, than spread ashes in his favorite spot. My mother would like to abide by his wishes, but my other brother and his wife disagree. They tell me that we are disrespecting his memory and the memory of our deceased father by not allowing our fathers siblings to be with us during this time. My mom can't stand her in laws and doesn't think they should be here (involves traveling cross country and so on) they are high maintenance and while my brother says they will "host" the family, it will still be a lot of work. My question is....where were these people when my brother was living and in need of help?[b] Why didn't anyone reach out a hand then? Are we wrong in not wanting them here? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
My condolences on the loss of your brother
Not sure how much help one can offer while living at a distance. Abiding by your brothers wishes, a show of respect. If they choose to join you and mom for a non formal memorial, fine. Remain firm, I wouldn't argue or allow them to dictate and derail your brothers wishes. This is your mothers son, not her in-laws. Worst that could happen, they don't show up; from your post it wouldn't be a loss.
Hi all,
This is exactly the thread I was looking for. My brother just passed away and we are in the midst of a horrible family argument. He was an alcoholic suffering from severe depression for many years. My mom and I are the only ones that have stuck with him throughout this time. Been through hell and back with him, but were, for the most part, always there. He and my mother had talked and his wishes were to be cremated, have a private, non formal memorial, than spread ashes in his favorite spot. My mother would like to abide by his wishes, but my other brother and his wife disagree. They tell me that we are disrespecting his memory and the memory of our deceased father by not allowing our fathers siblings to be with us during this time. My mom can't stand her in laws and doesn't think they should be here (involves traveling cross country and so on) they are high maintenance and while my brother says they will "host" the family, it will still be a lot of work. My question is....where were these people when my brother was living and in need of help? Why didn't anyone reach out a hand then? Are we wrong in not wanting them here? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I think Your deceased brother's wishes should be followed. Out of respect for extended family members, they should be invited to the memorial, but your mother has no obligation to go out of her way to provide hospitality to anyone she doesn't want to.
I agree. Your mother should stand firm. She and your brother discussed this prior for just this reason. She should not waiver just because your other brother and his wife think otherwise.
I think the whole issue of having a funeral is ridiculous...and I'm not saying anyone is wrong for having one, I'm simply sharing my thoughts on the subject.
I hate funerals...period, and my son has strict orders on this subject as I wrote up a will.
I want him to spend as little money of mine on something like that.
I don't and won't attend many funerals...they literally give me a headache...as I hate to see people suffer the loss of their loved one.
when my mother died suddenly 35 years ago, we were all in such a state of shock. she did not want to buried, my parents weren't social so no real friends to notify. she didn't really want a fuss made so we didn't do anything except be in shock. a few days later the family went to back to their respective lives. none of us children or her husband felt any closure. I think had we at least got together for a gathering to remember her life it would of helped. no need for anything elaborate but to not do anything leaves things unsaid, and feelings bottled up that should be expressed.
when my mother died suddenly 35 years ago, we were all in such a state of shock. she did not want to buried, my parents weren't social so no real friends to notify. she didn't really want a fuss made so we didn't do anything except be in shock. a few days later the family went to back to their respective lives. none of us children or her husband felt any closure. I think had we at least got together for a gathering to remember her life it would of helped. no need for anything elaborate but to not do anything leaves things unsaid, and feelings bottled up that should be expressed.
A lot of people feel as though a funeral is important to bring closure, but I think it depends upon the situation. My mother died suddenly too, and my siblings and I did not attend the funeral. I'm not sure what my father's thinking was, but I had a very hard time coming to terms.
I am more of a "no funeral" type, myself, but I think the living should decide what will make them feel better. It really doesn't matter to the dead person.
Hi all,
This is exactly the thread I was looking for. My brother just passed away and we are in the midst of a horrible family argument. He was an alcoholic suffering from severe depression for many years. My mom and I are the only ones that have stuck with him throughout this time. Been through hell and back with him, but were, for the most part, always there. He and my mother had talked and his wishes were to be cremated, have a private, non formal memorial, than spread ashes in his favorite spot. My mother would like to abide by his wishes, but my other brother and his wife disagree. They tell me that we are disrespecting his memory and the memory of our deceased father by not allowing our fathers siblings to be with us during this time. My mom can't stand her in laws and doesn't think they should be here (involves traveling cross country and so on) they are high maintenance and while my brother says they will "host" the family, it will still be a lot of work. My question is....where were these people when my brother was living and in need of help? Why didn't anyone reach out a hand then? Are we wrong in not wanting them here? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I think his wishes trump anyone else's. As for the informal memorial, I would let them come to that if they wish, without putting yourselves out in the least. They can show up or not, you can "let them be with us" for those couple of hours. The ashes part I would keep private. You, your mother and any other friends or relatives you think he would want there.
My sister is pretty adamantly opposed to funerals. I'm sort of neutral other than I think they are environmentally unfriendly. I think some sort of memorial get together is nice though. To remember them, share stories, contemplate your own life and future death.
I think it can be hard for family to honor final wishes if they are for frugality, low key etc. The living end up feeling guilty (especially if they have something to feel guilty about like not enough time visitiing in the nursing home etc), which of course makes it about them, not the dead. Seems to me if you did or didn't do what you were supposed to do at least you can honor final wishes!
Me personally, cremation, ashes placement and informal get together would be my wishes. Maybe a mass, but no one has to attend.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
