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I finally got some answers from a medical school! So, I've decided I want my body donated to the medical school (they just have to be contacted within 24 hours of my death and then they arrange for pick up and transportation through a local funeral home). Then the creamated ashes will be sent to my family.
This thread has given me much to consider and while I still would love for a green burial, I want my family to have options too and with my body being donated I feel good knowing it will go towards research and teaching future doctors that will save lives!
I also talked to my hubby and cousin and told them while *I* find it frivolous for them to take money away from my children to grieve/throw a funeral that I loved the idea some of you here had- a small party. Preferably a vacation. It would make me so happy knowing my kids and hubby were being given a memory of vacationing in remembrance of me and it brings me happiness knowing they are celebrating life rather than mourning it. (Plus a vaca can be done cheaply- far less than a typical funeral)
I went with giving my Dad a regular one time wake for my daughter and I. That is who it was for, us. Dad didn't want a wake and funeral but I gave him one anyway for us. I could afford it with the money he left me.
When hubby died, he had made me promise not to do a wake and funeral like I did Dad. I promised and just had him cremated and put in the National Cemetery. No muss, no fuss and I was okay with that too.
I do have my husband as my executor and my cousin as an alternate. While both say they'd honor my wishes, I've heard that it is ultimately up to them and no one would know unless it was contested in court. For example if I specified I wanted to be buried in a certain cemetery, but then my hubby went and buried me elsewhere, if my family had an issue with that they could contest it in court. I specified I don't want an exorbitant amount of money spent on funeral costs and that I want my body donated to science but I did put in there that I understand sometimes that isn't an option and a creamation would suffice. I just feel like my hubby and/or cousin will get bullied into a huge funeral service because when people are grieving they are vulnerable
OK, I understand now. Hopefully your husband would honor your wishes, especially now that you've gotten the agreement from the medical school.
I can tell you I've two people in my life who had no services whatsoever: A friend who died in her 50's after a long battle with cancer, and a cousin who died in her 40's after a short battle with cancer. In both cases, I felt kind of lost....dazed and confused comes to mind....and I know the other friends/relatives felt that way, too. We had no way of saying goodbye, no way of paying our respects, no way of honoring our loved ones, sharing memories or leaning on each other for sympathy. Others may disagree, but that is the way I feel -- I wish there had been some type of memorial service, even if not a full-blown funeral.
As for me, I did the perfect funeral for my mother. And now that she's gone, I don't care what is done for me. My son is not capable of organizing a funeral, and I have no siblings. I would have to place the burden of doing that on a cousin or friend, and I wouldn't do that nor do I think they would appreciate the stress of having to do it. Nor do I presume to think I am so beloved that people would want to attend a memorial service for me. My luck, no one would show, LOL. So I plan on having the least complicated/costly method available. Maybe I'll write my own obit and give them instructions on where to place it. I also feel that whatever money I have left should go to my son and I wouldn't want to waste it on a funeral. Whatever it is, I have got to get my act in gear and get it in writing because the clock she is a-ticking.
I actually have several Morticians in the family. They do have to go to schooling for such. Right? HOW do you think they learned what they needed to learn?
I've already made my stance well known with my adult kids. I want to be donated to Science. Whether that be a body farm? or whatever. I really don't care. Afterall.... I'm already DEAD! MY BODY ISN'T GOING TO FEEL A DARN THING!
It disgusts me just how much money is involved with Death, and my Mortician family would cringe hearing me say that. LOL
A cheaper end funeral use to be $3500k so folks that couldn't afford that would go with cremation $1500K. Now a cheap cremation is $3500 around my parts that is a lot of money for poor to lower income folks to raise. In the meantime the funeral homes are more than happy to 'hold' your loved one for a mere storage fee daily until can pay their fees. It has gotten ridiculous the charges we had a family member's favorite lipstick changed after it was brought to the funeral director. Fee for doing so $75.00!!!!!
If the funeral is for the living--which I agree it is--then why not let them mourn the way that they wish?
People need to grieve in their own way, and in different ways.
While everyone is out to make a living-and some industries charge exorbitant prices/just look at holiday vacation prices-I think the grieving process is both personal and familial.
Advance directives is where you make your choice alone, about the choices you can't make when seriously ill.
However, to not allow your family to grieve and have ritual to help them along the process--in their best way--feels somewhat unfair.
After all, you'll be dead, so what will you care?
I can't help but wonder, if when that times comes, in your love for them, if you might want whatever makes life easier on them.
Who says the ritual of looking at their dead body, sitting through a tear jerking eulogy, and then watching a casket or urn lowered into the ground is the way that everyone wants to grieve?
Personally I have always disliked the visitation and going up to pay respects to the family with the dead body right there. EWWWWW. And I work in the medical field, have seen lots of dead bodies, done autopsies, been there when beloved patients have died. But the ovewhelming smell of lilies and a roomful of crying people does not help me remember the good times I've had with the deceased. I think if the family would like to have a small intimate viewing before internment, then they should invite whoever they know would like to be there...and call it a day.
Where we live most people choose to be cremated and be returned to a place that they found special. There is usually a memorial service a few weeks later after the family has had time to come to terms with everything and settled some of the affairs. Most of the services have some religious readings, a few words from their pastor, and then time leftover for friends and family to share their memories with the audience. I find that I laugh and cry, but it is so insightful about the life of a person that I have not known for a lifetime. I was particularly moved to attend the service for a past employer. He was a bit special to me, shared his wit and wisdom about marriage and raising kids when I had them. He was quite the outdoorsman (said nature was the only church he needed) but it was held in a nice local Protestant church due to the weather. His gun dog slept at the foot of the alter just below his master's photo at the feet of his wife. His fly rod and hunting gear was propped up along the altar rail. After the ususal bible reading it was time for memories. We laughed out loud when his childhood friends told about how they egged the butcher's garage and got caught and had to clean it up, but even the clean up was a party for them. His college buddies told about the deliberations amongst themselves, vetting future spouses. His wife felt great comfort to hear, after all these years, just how much he truy fell in love with her all those years ago. His daughters told about how their dad would take them fishing or hunting every weekend and that was their time together to work out the meaning of life. We laughed until we cried when they told about the time dad left the gun dog in the pick up while they went in for a rare restaurant breakfast to fill their bellies for a cold day of hunting. They didn't notice anything strange until dad had been walking around in his waders for a while and felt "squishy" in them. Apparently the dog did not take well to being left out of the bacon and eggs fest and left his calling card in the waders! We laughed and we cried. And his wife was beaming the whole time. It was exactly how he wanted to be remembered.
On the other hand, neither of my parents has many living friends and we have a very small and geographically dispersed family. I doubt that 25 people showed up to the viewing for my dad. My stepmom arranged for a luncheon after the service in the church dining hall. There were a few additional neighbors who came over for that but on the other hand, some of the people who came to the service had to leave to go back to work. Honestly, I did not find any part of it comforting. I spent the whole time consoling crying people and was totally worn out emotionally from the whole experience.
My mom is now debating whether she wants a funeral, burial or cremation, etc. She has very few living friends or relatives. She has never remarried so there is just my sibling and myself. I live 2500 miles away. I would be surprised if there were more than 20 people at a service or visitation. And although my father chose to be buried, I have never been to his grave. I could only be in town for a few short days and the internment took place after I left. And with either of my parents or any other family member I have never found comfort in visiting a gravesite. But to each his own and I will respect her wishes as long as the money is there to pay for it.
As for myself, I would like to be cremated, memorial service if my daughter or husband want it, and then just spread my ashes in the lake where I have enjoyed many hours of fishing. My daughter would also like a small vial of my ashes on a necklace so I can always be with her. I want to go out of this life quietly and peacefully with no fanfare.
When I die I want the least amount of money spent on me. I want my body donated to science and if that isn't an option then I want a "green burial" (for those unfamiliar with that, this is what it is Green Burials,...Return Naturally )
I loathe the funeral business and their outrageous costs. Even a creamation can cost upwards of $3500! I also feel that funerals and wakes are for the living, not the dead. If people want to mourn my passing then that is fine but to pay an exorbitant amount just to have it immediately preceding my death at a funeral home just seems insane. I really want my family to have time to grieve, sort out finances and whatnot, then remember me how they want- whether it be a small get together at a family member's home, going out to eat at a restaurant, listening to my favorite songs, watching a favorite movie of mine, or (ideally this is what I want people to do) to go on a vacation and relax and enjoy time with each other by living in the moment and appreciating our time on earth. I feel using money (and time/effort) on my suggestions versus holding a funeral or wake is a better alternative.
Personally I don't like the idea of forcing people that otherwise wouldn't socialize to meet up after my passing and cry and mourn like that. I also feel that people shouldn't feel obligated (due to societal pressure that comes with knowing someone you were once close with passed away) to "pay respects" especially if said people weren't actively in my life. I feel like friends and people come and go in life and that is part of what makes our life unique and special. But just because we worked together 8 years ago or because we went to high school together doesn't mean I want you to be mourning my death in the presence of my family and friends. I especially don't want people that weren't in my life (I have family members that are real jerks!) suddenly showing up like they care. I am a firm believer in making every day count- if I am important to you then you'll make time for me in your life (and vice versa in regards to how I feel towards my friends). I have never been a fan of funerals or wakes.
My husband is completely on board with this. He wants the same for himself when his time comes. The problem is that I expressed my wishes to family and they are livid. They are telling my husband that if he were to honor my wishes that they'd go behind his back and plan a memorial service in my honor and have a "proper" wake. What the heck! Why can't they just be respectful of what *I* would want? Which also happens to be what my husband is most comfortable with as well.
What are your thoughts?
I completely agree with you. I don't see the need for funerals myself. I especially am against the display of corpses. Not my thing.
What a great thing to do for the people that love you.
Just leave them hanging.
You are certainly entitled to your opinion like everyone else, but the 'tone' of your comment is rather dramatic. I have a family who has 50% regular type, COSTLY burials been done and the other 50% (for 2 generations) have done the cremation and ashes scattered in the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico off the SOFL coast. NOT ONE OF US is left behind and 'scarred' by this. I think it's the ways that you look at life & death, a learned behavior, that your families teach you. I'm not sure what 'being left hanging' IS in respect to the ways people choose to be remembered. Just because you are cremated doesn't mean your family couldn't or wouldn't have some type of memorial service or 'party to celebrate your life'. I feel it's a GREAT thing cutting out the OUTRAGEOUS EXPENSE of burial and THAT service for family, whether I pay for it or they do. I've never understood it and nothing you can say nor trying to belittle me for doing so will change that. I'd rather be celebrated IN LIFE by my loved ones. It's my opinion and I wouldn't think of asking you to make it yours.
Are you maybe a Funeral Home operator?
Who says the ritual of looking at their dead body, sitting through a tear jerking eulogy, and then watching a casket or urn lowered into the ground is the way that everyone wants to grieve?
No one said this is the way everyone wants to grieve. What has been said by many is that people find comfort in varying things, and I would rather let my family do what works for them, whatever that may be.
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we had a family member's favorite lipstick changed after it was brought to the funeral director. Fee for doing so $75.00!!!!!
You are certainly entitled to your opinion like everyone else, but the 'tone' of your comment is rather dramatic.
I have a family who has 50% regular type, COSTLY burials been done and the other 50% (for 2 generations) have done the cremation and ashes scattered in the Atlantic or Gulf of Mexico off the SOFL coast. NOT ONE OF US is left behind and 'scarred' by this. I think it's the ways that you look at life & death, a learned behavior, that your families teach you. I'm not sure what 'being left hanging' IS in respect to the ways people choose to be remembered. Just because you are cremated doesn't mean your family couldn't or wouldn't have some type of memorial service or 'party to celebrate your life'. I feel it's a GREAT thing cutting out the OUTRAGEOUS EXPENSE of burial and THAT service for family, whether I pay for it or they do. I've never understood it and nothing you can say nor trying to belittle me for doing so will change that. I'd rather be celebrated IN LIFE by my loved ones. It's my opinion and I wouldn't think of asking you to make it yours. 
