Revealing the manner of death in a suicide... - Grief and Mourning -Bereavement, healing - City-Data Forum

sayulita · 06-19-2015, 02:01 PM

Not sure what to do here. A week ago my younger sister ended her life by hanging herself. When I gave the terrible news to her two grown daughters and my mother, I pretended not to know the manner of death and was purposely vague when asked specifically what it was. I kind of made it sound like it was a drug overdose. I wish I didn't know how she did it, but I do. I don't see how it would be beneficial for them to know the truth.

Am I wrong to withhold this information? It was such a violent way to go and I want to protect them from this knowledge. Although she had a rocky relationship with her daughters (ages 29 and 37) it was still a huge blow to them. It's very hard for me to think straight these days, so I'm looking for some guidance.

Thank you.

maggie2101 · 06-19-2015, 02:07 PM

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think they have a right to know and you should tell them. They will probably see the death certificate at some point. I would tell them ASAP just to get it over with and move forward.

sayulita · 06-19-2015, 02:28 PM

She died in another country so they won't be seeing the death certificate unless they ask for it, which I doubt they will.

There's now way I will tell them right now as they are reeling from the loss. I may tell them a few months down the road when they are feeling a little more stable. But telling them right now feels very wrong.

fluffythewondercat · 06-19-2015, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayulita

Am I wrong to withhold this information?

In my opinion you are doing the right thing.

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you have someone to help you cope.

In your situation there is one thing I would consider. Before the funeral, quietly pass the word amongst the mourners that it was a suicide. We received word that a friend (not close) had passed and a celebration of her life would be at such and such a place. None of the mourners knew our friend had committed suicide until her daughter told the assembled group. You could see the shock ripple through those attending. One woman fainted.

But no one has to know how. Not now. Not when they'll be replaying the scene in their mind.

sayulita · 06-19-2015, 03:04 PM

Thanks so much for your kind words. I just don't see where them having that image in their heads has any benefit whatsoever.

There won't be a funeral. She died in another country and her husband, per her request, had her cremated and ashes buried on their property. Sadly, the only mourners are her family and we are scattered all over the U.S. and Canada. She was troubled and fought depression all her life and didn't even have a group of friends where she was living.

I am blessed to have many friends and a brother nearby who are helping me cope. My relationship with her was a very difficult one. I am more sad for her daughters and our mom.

sayulita · 06-19-2015, 03:06 PM

And to be clear, they all know that she took her own life, just not how she did it.

maggie2101 · 06-19-2015, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sayulita

Thanks so much for your kind words. I just don't see where them having that image in their heads has any benefit whatsoever.

There won't be a funeral. She died in another country and her husband, per her request, had her cremated and ashes buried on their property. Sadly, the only mourners are her family and we are scattered all over the U.S. and Canada. She was troubled and fought depression all her life and didn't even have a group of friends where she was living.

I am blessed to have many friends and a brother nearby who are helping me cope. My relationship with her was a very difficult one. I am more sad for her daughters and our mom.

With this extra info I think waiting is the right thing to do.

sayulita · 06-19-2015, 03:09 PM

Thanks Maggie. I really do think that there might be a time in the future where, if they found out, it would be easier to take. I don't know if I'll ever be able to bring myself to tell them. Like I said, I wish I didn't know but it's too late for that.

maggie2101 · 06-19-2015, 03:17 PM

I understand. My cousin and sister-in-law committed suicide. It was hard for all involved.

sayulita · 06-19-2015, 03:31 PM

It's really hard. I can't imagine what it's like to be in such a dark place that suicide is the only way out. Her husband, whom I hardly know, is having an awful time with it. He's the one who found her. I think that was really cruel of her. She could have gone to a hotel and have a stranger be the one to find her.