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I'm not a parent, but I watched my best friend's mother cope with losing her only child to a lifelong illness far too soon. She did not live very long after the death of her daughter, as she was herself very ill, but I observed the following.
- The pain does not go away, but you are in the worst of it right now. It WILL get better, but it won't ever go away. I know this from losing the both of them, and neither of them was my child. You just lost a huge chunk of your life and shared memories. It's HARD. And the bond between an ill child and their caregiver parent is very special.
- Mourn however you feel you need to, but don't make any big decisions for a while. And do not let this consume you, at least not for too long. It is not what your child would have wanted and it is not productive for you. There is still the possibility for joy and meaning in your life - you just are going to have to search for it a little more than you did before. I watched a woman self-destruct by wallowing in the grief over losing a sibling - eventually she drove away everyone else who loved her with her constant misery and bitterness. She eventually became literally just a husk of a person - like an angry zombie, if you can imagine that. Instead, I suggest you consider how you could honor your child's memory and throw yourself into that.
- Grief counseling is a great idea. There are sadly a lot of other people in your position, and it may be helpful to share the coping process with people going through something similar. An individual therapist is probably a good idea too.
- My therapist and I were just talking about how anger is so much easier than mourning. Just an observation.
-Hold your friends close to you now. Reach out to them and tell them what you need or that you want to talk. They may have the best of intentions and lack the emotional intelligence to know how to reach out.
-Treat yourself well and gently. You've just been through a horrific and draining experience. Rest. Pay attention to your health (especially important for caregivers!). Let yourself be slow and deliberate in what you do.
- Keep a journal of your memories of your child. Anecdotes, random thoughts, etc. It will be something for you to hang on to.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain. You are in my thoughts.
Thank you all for the love and kindness, it really means so much.
I tossed all night, up 5 times and I did see the doctor. I have a sinus infection and was offered meds to boost me out of this hole, but I don't want to take them. He stated that I am still grieving and will be for a while. I made a schedule of things to do daily and to force myself out of bed to begin my day with 30 minutes in front of a bright 5 k light after a morning shower. I always shower at night and never in the morning. After the light, I have to get out for a brisk morning run or walk. Just ordered a treadmill and I am getting a physical soon. Gonna take a trip to the west coast to get away. If I don't do this now, this grieving is going to consume me.
I know something is wrong as I literally could not stand and walk this morning. I'm a big strong guy and I felt very limp and weak and could barely walk.
Time to stop complaining and just try to move forward even if it's in small increments. I just can't believe my only child is gone.
I'm so sorry for those who've also lost someone. I wish I had words, but I don't. I will call your names in prayer.
I really mean it when I say thank you all. If we ever meet, dinners on me.
Born sick, and has been sick since birth with one thing after another. I raised my only child by myself. 30 years later after his 25 surgery, he aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. He was laying there in the hospital, dead, more than the 3 minutes allowed before permanent brain damage occurs He was found, resuscitated, suffered irreversible brain damage and given a 1 % chance to live. After 2 weeks of trying everything medically possible to wake him, I had to make the call to turn off life support. He lived 83 minutes. I felt his last breath and heartbeat.
I'm sitting here numb, and in tears, alone, as I do every night. I've tried everything to move on, but I just can't seem to get out of this dark hole. I never knew grief could be so consuming and I never ever knew one could hurt in the ways I'm experiencing.
I've tried everything, how did you move on if this happened to you.
I uderstand what you are going through. My whole life its been my mom and me. 2 peas in a pod. But on 11/7/17 she passed away. Now its just me. I'm lost and devastated. No one cares about me at all. Its hard when you got no one.
My goodness you don't even realize how strong you are anymore.
That's one comment I've heard many, many times - that I am "strong."
Friends and family know better than to utter that word in my presence now. I'm not strong. I'm crippled by emotional pain so searing and so deep that I can hardly take a deep breath at times.
For many weeks, I begged God to let me pass in my sleep but those prayers weren't answered. And so I slog on through life.
But this is not "strength." This is surviving and going forward one moment at a time - but under protest.
If you think about it, what else can people like us do? Lay down and die? But this is NOT strength. It's just hanging on by our fingernails.
The greatest help in this hellish journey has come from people who've experienced similar losses, and are a little further along this path.
Maybe one day, I can be that person for someone else. Even if that's the case, this hell wasn't worth it.
Thank you all for the love and kindness, it really means so much.
I tossed all night, up 5 times and I did see the doctor. I have a sinus infection and was offered meds to boost me out of this hole, but I don't want to take them. He stated that I am still grieving and will be for a while. I made a schedule of things to do daily and to force myself out of bed to begin my day with 30 minutes in front of a bright 5 k light after a morning shower. I always shower at night and never in the morning. After the light, I have to get out for a brisk morning run or walk. Just ordered a treadmill and I am getting a physical soon. Gonna take a trip to the west coast to get away. If I don't do this now, this grieving is going to consume me.
I know something is wrong as I literally could not stand and walk this morning. I'm a big strong guy and I felt very limp and weak and could barely walk.
Time to stop complaining and just try to move forward even if it's in small increments. I just can't believe my only child is gone.
I'm so sorry for those who've also lost someone. I wish I had words, but I don't. I will call your names in prayer.
I really mean it when I say thank you all. If we ever meet, dinners on me.
Take care of yourselves, and thank you.
No. I'll cook dinner for you, wash the dishes, put them away. After that, we'll watch a guy movie and drink a beer.
My sister's son died more than 20 years ago, and I have to be very careful about mentioning him. Sometimes she just says STOP! OK, but I remember him.
I uderstand what you are going through. My whole life its been my mom and me. 2 peas in a pod. But on 11/7/17 she passed away. Now its just me. I'm lost and devastated. No one cares about me at all. Its hard when you got no one.
So many in my family are gone so I rely heavily on friends I've made over many years. Friends are diamonds and we have to make them. Make Friends. Life Is Precious and we only get ONE I believe. Make the most of it no matter.
I don't believe our loved ones who have gone on would want us to suffer.
Thank you all for the love and kindness, it really means so much.
I tossed all night, up 5 times and I did see the doctor. I have a sinus infection and was offered meds to boost me out of this hole, but I don't want to take them. He stated that I am still grieving and will be for a while. I made a schedule of things to do daily and to force myself out of bed to begin my day with 30 minutes in front of a bright 5 k light after a morning shower. I always shower at night and never in the morning. After the light, I have to get out for a brisk morning run or walk. Just ordered a treadmill and I am getting a physical soon. Gonna take a trip to the west coast to get away. If I don't do this now, this grieving is going to consume me.
I know something is wrong as I literally could not stand and walk this morning. I'm a big strong guy and I felt very limp and weak and could barely walk.
Time to stop complaining and just try to move forward even if it's in small increments. I just can't believe my only child is gone.
I'm so sorry for those who've also lost someone. I wish I had words, but I don't. I will call your names in prayer.
I really mean it when I say thank you all. If we ever meet, dinners on me.
I have not lost a child so I do not know the depth of that grief. I can only imagine. I did grow up watching my parents survive the death of their 8 year old son in a bicycle accident.
Some people told me that it changed my mother forever. My father seemed better able to cope. He was in the army at the time and right after my brother's death - he got an order to transfer to Germany. He still believes that his CO did this to help him and he said it did.
A complete and total chance of scenery - out of the country. Out of the house where my brother lived; away from the little church where they went as a family and there were constant reminders.
I remember my father telling my cousin (after he lost HIS teen-age son) that they can get through this. That it doesn't seem so now ~ but that slowly life will go on. Right about then - my cousin (in the reserves) got an order to move to Puerto Rico which he did for 4 years.
Every year - we would visit our family's gravesite and 40 years after the fact - my mother would still cry on that day. But she did go on to live; to have another child; to travel, and to have friends. I doubt that her son was ever very far from her mind ~ but she did go on.
May peace be with you. Be very, very kind to yourself in the days and weeks to come.
I have not lost a child so I do not know the depth of that grief. I can only imagine. I did grow up watching my parents survive the death of their 8 year old son in a bicycle accident.
Some people told me that it changed my mother forever. My father seemed better able to cope. He was in the army at the time and right after my brother's death - he got an order to transfer to Germany. He still believes that his CO did this to help him and he said it did.
A complete and total chance of scenery - out of the country. Out of the house where my brother lived; away from the little church where they went as a family and there were constant reminders.
I remember my father telling my cousin (after he lost HIS teen-age son) that they can get through this. That it doesn't seem so now ~ but that slowly life will go on. Right about then - my cousin (in the reserves) got an order to move to Puerto Rico which he did for 4 years.
Every year - we would visit our family's gravesite and 40 years after the fact - my mother would still cry on that day. But she did go on to live; to have another child; to travel, and to have friends. I doubt that her son was ever very far from her mind ~ but she did go on.
May peace be with you. Be very, very kind to yourself in the days and weeks to come.
You bring up a very important subject. There are times in your life that you may think that certain people are not understanding, are being complete jerks, are totally insensitive. Sometimes they are, but more often than you might think there is a favor being done.
That CO had an understanding and a type of compassion that many people can't understand. There are times when what you describe is exactly what is needed to allow healing to occur. To be willing to suffer the hatred that can occur by thwarting a downward spiral is truly the gift of a bodhisattva. Some people may call them angels, some may just be confused, but there are many out there who want people to become the best that they can be, to overcome their own suffering and help others. They might come with Sargent stripes, they might be a bum on the street that somehow says the right thing at the right time. Be open to the best in people. Almost always it is there, and when it isn't YOU are being the best for others.
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