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Almost 2 years ago my longtime companion , fiance and the love of my life for a decade died suddenly at his moms house . I am having terrible trouble learning to live with this ( I will never get over it )
We were 53 and 55 at the time so we were not kids and had been married before . He was a very sensitive man and his mom absolutely did not want him to leave her or her home for any reason and was a major stumbling block in our relationship .
Nevertheless we stayed together . He kept our relationship as far away from her as he could to avoid conflict . I never lacked attention or love from this man but I know the stress was bad .
He called me twice late on a Sunday late , a few hours before he died and first left me a message to please pick up that he was sick . I was already asleep but the first call woke me and when I heard the voice mail , then I spoke to him and he was really afraid . He asked if I really loved him and how much he loved me and that he was really thinking of going to the ER and if he did would I wait up . He made me promise I would wait up so he could call or text me
We lived several hundred miles apart and he also said that he was done with this and he was leaving that next week to finally go with me , he'd made me wait long enough , I told him do not worry about that just go get checked out .
The last thing we said was I love you one last time and he hung up and I never heard from him again .
His mom found him about 18 hours later in his locked room .
Had his sister not intervened I would have just heard nothing again period .
I do not know what happened to him . At all .
It really just tears at me what happened to him . He had not been sick , his mom told me it was none of my business and will also not let his sister have a copy of the autopsy report , which has caused the final rift with them
I've thought about hiring a PI to find out but do not know if that is actually possible . I dont care what it is I just need to know . I was the last person he spoke with .
I have experienced ALOT of death in this life but I am just gutted and am not sure what I can do . If anything .
That final phone call sounds tragic. Do you suspect he may have killed himself?
DutchessCottonPuff you need to get this autopsy.
Hire a PI. Cause i'm thinking maybe the mother thought he was going to leave her to be with you, so she poisoned him.
It could be he died of a heart attack. But you must get that Autopsy and find out.
That final phone call sounds tragic. Do you suspect he may have killed himself?
Probably not outright . Over the years he had let himself go . For him a lifetime of her may have been just too much to overcome . He had so many ideas and plans . He had done so many cool productive things in his life before she had him come back to her house for the last time right after we met .
He'd been a fancy pro skier from Mammoth , sailed around the world on his own boat . Graduated from Embery Riddle . LOVED the wine business . Later I found out that he was never able to go out on his own very long before she would trip out in some way if he did not come back to live with her . The last time was right after we met . He had been renting a room for some years with several other people in a big house in Santa Rosa and had just received a patent for a process to remove smoke taint from grapes and had been featured in Wines and Vines magazine for this .
He'd just arrived back from a winery in Chile when we met and his mom was also afraid he would stay there with the much older very married lady who owned it . This was just not true but the mom was always on guard for other women and why he kept our relationship away from her . I was his longest relationship in life .
He was always afraid I would leave him and I did break up with him a few times because I could just not stand the mom . I couldn't . Then I stopped , it did no one any good and didn't change things , I still missed him and it just upset him very badly . 2 days before he died he asked me to please come get him . That he would be waiting outside with his things and his cat and would leave everything else he could not take . Really REALLY wanted me to come after him that next day and I feel terrible that I did not do it . I was afraid of what might happen . I didn't want her to come to my house at all .
During our visits she would call CONSTANTLY ranting , yelling in to the phone .
At the funeral in Mammoth , that was the first thing I told him when we were alone that he was finally free . Not in the way I EVER in one million YEARS ever dreamed but that he finally made it out of that house and NEVER had to go back .
It was to his closed casket too , in one final turn of weirdness he was not embalmed or cremated after autopsy but rinsed off and wrapped in a shroud totally NAKED in accordance to her bizarre religious wishes and I could not see him . This was no green burial either , sealed casket , very thick concrete vault .
I ended up staying with him alone after everyone left and watched as they actually buried him .
Me , director , backhoe man . Finally some peace .
The director saw what was going on with the mom and I and had me stay so I could have some real alone time . Director DID manage to get me a good sized lock of hair ( he had waist length hair ) and had me place my hand prints over his chest area in the loose dirt before we rolled the grass up . Saddest day of my life so far .
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanKelso
DutchessCottonPuff you need to get this autopsy.
Hire a PI. Cause i'm thinking maybe the mother thought he was going to leave her to be with you, so she poisoned him.
It could be he died of a heart attack. But you must get that Autopsy and find out.
Probably not outright . Over the years he had let himself go . For him a lifetime of her may have been just too much to overcome . He had so many ideas and plans . He had done so many cool productive things in his life before she had him come back to her house for the last time right after we met .
He'd been a fancy pro skier from Mammoth , sailed around the world on his own boat . Graduated from Embery Riddle . LOVED the wine business . Later I found out that he was never able to go out on his own very long before she would trip out in some way if he did not come back to live with her . The last time was right after we met . He had been renting a room for some years with several other people in a big house in Santa Rosa and had just received a patent for a process to remove smoke taint from grapes and had been featured in Wines and Vines magazine for this .
He'd just arrived back from a winery in Chile when we met and his mom was also afraid he would stay there with the much older very married lady who owned it . This was just not true but the mom was always on guard for other women and why he kept our relationship away from her . I was his longest relationship in life .
He was always afraid I would leave him and I did break up with him a few times because I could just not stand the mom . I couldn't . Then I stopped , it did no one any good and didn't change things , I still missed him and it just upset him very badly . 2 days before he died he asked me to please come get him . That he would be waiting outside with his things and his cat and would leave everything else he could not take . Really REALLY wanted me to come after him that next day and I feel terrible that I did not do it . I was afraid of what might happen . I didn't want her to come to my house at all .
During our visits she would call CONSTANTLY ranting , yelling in to the phone .
At the funeral in Mammoth , that was the first thing I told him when we were alone that he was finally free . Not in the way I EVER in one million YEARS ever dreamed but that he finally made it out of that house and NEVER had to go back .
It was to his closed casket too , in one final turn of weirdness he was not embalmed or cremated after autopsy but rinsed off and wrapped in a shroud totally NAKED in accordance to her bizarre religious wishes and I could not see him . This was no green burial either , sealed casket , very thick concrete vault .
I ended up staying with him alone after everyone left and watched as they actually buried him .
Me , director , backhoe man . Finally some peace .
The director saw what was going on with the mom and I and had me stay so I could have some real alone time . Director DID manage to get me a good sized lock of hair ( he had waist length hair ) and had me place my hand prints over his chest area in the loose dirt before we rolled the grass up . Saddest day of my life so far .
Alot of our friends think this also .
You can get a copy of the death cert which will list the cause of death. Anyone can. You won’t be able to get a “certified” copy, but yours will have all the same info, it will just have wording on it saying it’s not useable for legal purposes. You can’t claim a bank account, or a safety deposit box with it. But that’s not what you want it for.
And you can order it online via vitalrec.com. There are fees, the state fee for the death cert and their fee, but it might be easier to put info in, than find the appropriate courthouse, type up a letter of request, and deal with all that brings up. As I recently lost my husband, I get it.
I hope your getting grief counseling and group help, too.
__________________ Solly says — Be nice!
Last edited by Tallysmom; 09-24-2019 at 09:02 AM..
You can get a copy of the death cert which will list the cause of death. Anyone can. You won’t be able to get a “certified” copy, and yours will have all the same info, it will just have wording on it saying it’s not useable for legal purposes. You can’t claim a bank account, or a safety deposit box with it. But that’s not what you want it for.
Yes that's the "Informative copy" , which is cheap enough and just fine for what I need . I never even knew these existed . I am very glad the posters here directed me that way .
I am waiting for an appt with my GP because I need a counselor bad . Intensely and probably for a long while .
I have been very sick for almost a year and most of that has been due to everything that happened . I went from 135 lbs to 99 . and have been very sick with what they called "Adult Failure To Thrive " . Am currently back to 116 and learning to eat again with a gastro and dietitian help.
My kids /friends etc just wanted for me to move on. Drop it , stop talking about it etc . Recently one of my friends noticed that I was crying as I was walking my morning mile , I do 2 miles a day plugged into my music and I didn't even REALIZE I was crying until they asked what was wrong , I said nothing why ?? She said well you are just crying . That was just weird . I have never done anything like that before.
Last edited by DutchessCottonPuff; 09-24-2019 at 10:07 AM..
Contact your attorney. They can often access information that private citizens can't. They can also advise you about possible legal action if they suspect foul play, and will find any insurance policies or joint accounts that existed.
I agree. Please contact an attorney.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would not be surprised if the attorney discovers a life insurance policy or joint savings account that he kept hidden from his mother (or that his mother his from you after his death).
I am so sorry for your loss. I would not be surprised if the attorney discovers a life insurance policy or joint savings account that he kept hidden from his mother (or that his mother his from you after his death).
Thank you Germaine . You may be right , his mom still is a very active licensed Ins agent and he worked for her off and on alot of his working life .
Yes that's the "Informative copy" , which is cheap enough and just fine for what I need . I never even knew these existed . I am very glad the posters here directed me that way .
I am waiting for an appt with my GP because I need a counselor bad . Intensely and probably for a long while .
I have been very sick for almost a year and most of that has been due to everything that happened . I went from 135 lbs to 99 . and have been very sick with what they called "Adult Failure To Thrive " . Am currently back to 116 and learning to eat again with a gastro and dietitian help.
My kids /friends etc just wanted for me to move on. Drop it , stop talking about it etc . Recently one of my friends noticed that I was crying as I was walking my morning mile , I do 2 miles a day plugged into my music and I didn't even REALIZE I was crying until they asked what was wrong , I said nothing why ?? She said well you are just crying . That was just weird . I have never done anything like that before.
You used the term “complicated grief“. I’ve been reading a lot about grief, and yes, that’s a real thing. You can’t just “get over” grief. You really can’t get over complicated grief. I don’t know where you are, but I would think, everywhere has free counseling grief therapy groups. Try asking your health insurance company. They might know the resources. If not them, your local hospital.
My husband had a GBM, brain cancer, and our insurance was not only helpful in his treatment, they also understood the stress the caretaker was under, and I was also offered services. After his death there was an outpouring of services offered. I was very overwhelmed, and needed a break from that which they respected. I told them to give me a month, and a month later they started asking me about services again. I took them up on it.
DutchessCottonPuff you need to get this autopsy.
Hire a PI. Cause i'm thinking maybe the mother thought he was going to leave her to be with you, so she poisoned him.
It could be he died of a heart attack. But you must get that Autopsy and find out.
Autopsy is only done when the death was suspicious, i.e., not of natural cause. Even if you cannot get the autopsy report, you can find out if they did one which will tell you it was suspicious.
You used the term “complicated grief“. I’ve been reading a lot about grief, and yes, that’s a real thing. You can’t just “get over” grief. You really can’t get over complicated grief. I don’t know where you are, but I would think, everywhere has free counseling grief therapy groups. Try asking your health insurance company. They might know the resources. If not them, your local hospital.
My husband had a GBM, brain cancer, and our insurance was not only helpful in his treatment, they also understood the stress the caretaker was under, and I was also offered services. After his death there was an outpouring of services offered. I was very overwhelmed, and needed a break from that which they respected. I told them to give me a month, and a month later they started asking me about services again. I took them up on it.
Great points. I attend a free widow/widower grief support group that is ran by a local hospice association. While most of the participants were part of long term marriage there are several people whose fiancé died or live in partner died and they are welcome to join the group, too. They also have free short term 1 to 1 counseling.
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Solly says — Be nice!
