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She Is 96 and Does Not Fear Her Death. But Do Her Children?
The oldest old may be ready to say goodbye. Not everyone is ready for this conversation.
By John Leland
In 2015, The Times began following six people age 85 and up, documenting their journeys through a stage of life that is often invisible...
Death had been a regular part of our conversations over the past five years, as it had been with the others. Ruth had been consistent: she did not worry much about death, but she did think about how she would go. Would it be painful or drawn out? Would she become a burden to her children?
My mom expressed concerns about dying, but she was +85 and had a lot of health issues. She thankfully had a major stroke and never regained consciousness. Thanks mom. Seriously. I had no decisions to make. Her doctor told me that it was just a matter of time. It was one week.
Well, my dad put on a very brave face and typically during his life expressed a "who cares" bravado about dying. He started saying "Well, I'm probably going to go within the next 5 years" back when he turned 60. (He didn't die until he was almost 80.) When he got a terminal diagnosis, he maintained that front, but it was also obvious through his behavior that he really wasn't ready to go and always thought he had a little bit more time. He insisted on buying a new scooter just 6 weeks before the end, and when they brought in a hospital bed for him for hospice, even though he was in constant pain and could no longer walk, he said, "I think this is too soon?" (He was gone five days later.)
I think most people are probably conflicted, or at least, of mixed mind about it. I also tend to have a "who cares, bring it on" attitude, but my father's case should probably be instructive to me.
I reflect that one of us will be the survivor and will have to deal with the others passing. The prospect of that seems monumental. My wife has not driven for about 6 years, which would make shopping a chore. We have not tried grocery shopping online, although we do buy other things online.
Both of our "kids" live in 3 story townhouses which would not work for my wife at all and not well for me, if we could not manage in our condo..
We are 84 and 85 now with birthdays coming up this month.
My mom is 91. She had a quad bypass four years ago and went on dialysis at the same time, which was expected, as she has a genetic kidney disease.
Between August and November of last year, she went to the ER six times for different things. She was so weak that I did not think she would see Christmas. But, she's bounced back once again, relatively speaking. Last month she lost her youngest and last remaining sibling. She was the oldest of four and has outlived them all now.
She has a very upbeat attitude about her life, and seems to find it humorous that she has lived as long as she has. Even when her brother died, she said she was sad but that he was 81 and had lived a full life and that when you get to be their age, death shouldn't be a surprise.
I spoke to her on the phone the other day. She was very excited because she'd been watching that Rick Steeves travel show and got to see Andalusia in one episode and some French castles on another, and she thought it was just wonderful that she could sit in her recliner and see all these amazing places she never visited. Then she told me about a book she had just finished reading and how much she enjoyed it.
She can't get out much and has to have an ambulance service transport her to dialysis because she hasn't been able to drive or get in and out of a car since a fall in August.
I don't think my mother fears death one bit. I think she wakes up every day, realizes she is still here, and then just gets whatever she can get out of the day, be it reading a book, playing cards or Scrabble when someone visits, or traveling the world through the wonder of a TV show. I just know that as someone who took care of so many family members through illness and into death in her life, she would probably prefer not to be the one on the receiving end of that type of care. It may not be avoidable, but in my heart I hope that one day I simply get a call from my brother saying he found Mom asleep in her chair for the last time.
My mom is 91. She had a quad bypass four years ago and went on dialysis at the same time, which was expected, as she has a genetic kidney disease.
Between August and November of last year, she went to the ER six times for different things. She was so weak that I did not think she would see Christmas. But, she's bounced back once again, relatively speaking. Last month she lost her youngest and last remaining sibling. She was the oldest of four and has outlived them all now.
She has a very upbeat attitude about her life, and seems to find it humorous that she has lived as long as she has. Even when her brother died, she said she was sad but that he was 81 and had lived a full life and that when you get to be their age, death shouldn't be a surprise.
I spoke to her on the phone the other day. She was very excited because she'd been watching that Rick Steeves travel show and got to see Andalusia in one episode and some French castles on another, and she thought it was just wonderful that she could sit in her recliner and see all these amazing places she never visited. Then she told me about a book she had just finished reading and how much she enjoyed it.
She can't get out much and has to have an ambulance service transport her to dialysis because she hasn't been able to drive or get in and out of a car since a fall in August.
I don't think my mother fears death one bit. I think she wakes up every day, realizes she is still here, and then just gets whatever she can get out of the day, be it reading a book, playing cards or Scrabble when someone visits, or traveling the world through the wonder of a TV show. I just know that as someone who took care of so many family members through illness and into death in her life, she would probably prefer not to be the one on the receiving end of that type of care. It may not be avoidable, but in my heart I hope that one day I simply get a call from my brother saying he found Mom asleep in her chair for the last time.
Frankly I'm ready to go....And I'm only 58 with long life genetic makeup. I got killed once before and spent a long time in the hospital. My loved ones know I won't do that again. I have DNRs everywhere and medical instructions that no heroic things will be done to keep me alive, feeding tubes etc....When it comes... if I see it coming... I truly believe I will face it unafraid............
I am 87,have had triple bypass in 2010,just had echogram all o'k.
My BP took a turn for the worse in 2016 and have been fighting to keep it under control,up and down with meds.
My main worry is my wife of 65 years,now with total loss of short term memory.
She is dependent on me for my pension and healthcare which will terminate at my death,she will have medicare and my S.S.
Tomorrow I go in for CT as a precaution because of light headedness etc.I hope I can last awhile longer.
Modern medicine just seems to drag out the inevitable. Not dead just half alive in some cases. But then again a lot of people never had the opportunity to live long lives for many reasons. So we beat the odds.
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