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You and your best friend have each other, Kathryn. That is (possibly the only) good thing to come out of these two tragedies. No one can know your feelings like someone who is suffering the same thing, so you may be able to serve as grief counselors for each other. I have been thinking of you a lot and feel glad that your family is rallying around and that you and your best friend can let out your thoughts to each other as you would not be able to do to anyone else.
I know Kathryn is probably not your real name - I guess you may have to change your name now since over 150 people have written you with that name and kept you in their thoughts.
Kathryn, while I'm sorry that you and your friend are in the same situation, I'm also grateful you have each other to lean on. It's a blessing that you each will have someone to cry with at 2:00 a.m. when it gets really bad.
Grief is never logical, so please be kind to yourself. I wish there was a straight line out of grieving, but sometimes you feel like you're in a washing machine set on "spin" as you cycle through the different emotions over and over again until you want to yell, "Just stop already!"
This is the hardest part, when life goes back to normal, but there is no normal yet. Do what you can to get through this, and I'm sure we'll always be here at City-Data to be your sounding board whenever you need one.
My best friend's husband passed away at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME one week after my husband. Now - he was under hospice care and his death was expected but still...what are the odds? And my friend was so devastated that she called me at 5:30 am crying as she was driving herself to the facility he was in, because of course she wanted me to meet her there and of course under normal circumstances I would have, but I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry - but my car is blocked in by about three other cars and I can't get it out and don't want to wake up anyone here." (Because it was the first night anyone had slept much.) She said, "Why are there cars in your driveway?" I wanted to say, "BECAUSE WE BURIED MY HUSBAND LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO AND FAMILY IS STILL IN TOWN!" but what I really said was "My kids are still here for the funeral. But I will be over later."
Anyway, the stress has been unbelievable. She's coming over today and we are going to just try to be there for each other. It's like I told her - when we met each other 20 years ago, God knew our husbands would die a week apart, even though we didn't know it. He knew we would walk this path together. Of course neither of us expected to be widows at this point in our lives but here we are so we have to learn how to do it. And we'll learn.
Yeah, after my husband passed I spent a lot of time screaming responses in my head, and then the most calm polite things came out of my mouth.
I'm glad you can be there for each other, and I am glad you are surrounded by family and friends.
It is a whirlwind, the first year was a minefield for me of sneak attack emotions. The year of firsts..
I'm so very sorry.
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You and your best friend have each other, Kathryn. That is (possibly the only) good thing to come out of these two tragedies. No one can know your feelings like someone who is suffering the same thing, so you may be able to serve as grief counselors for each other. I have been thinking of you a lot and feel glad that your family is rallying around and that you and your best friend can let out your thoughts to each other as you would not be able to do to anyone else.
I know Kathryn is probably not your real name - I guess you may have to change your name now since over 150 people have written you with that name and kept you in their thoughts.
You're right about that! Good thing I really like the name Kathryn!
Just remember everyone grieves differently, and while you may be good friends, grief manifests in different ways and that can make the others more difficult to navigate. Hopefully that won't be the case, but it sometimes helps to be aware.
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Well, today I HAD planned to be doing laundry and otherwise cleaning up the house getting ready for my husband to come home from working out of state, so I won't be doing that. And I was so excited because this was a "lucky" year when he would be home for the anniversary of our first date (Wednesday), his birthday, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas, and my birthday too! We were super excited about all that. Oh well. The best laid plans, right?
Anyway, I am just so tired. And empty - that's the exact feeling. The numbness has worn off, though it may come back, who knows. The anger is nudging around my head. The reality, the awful reality, is setting in. I'm waking up at 2 am thinking "Do I qualify for healthcare coverage through the ACA website? How do I apply? What are my options?" I do not have to do ANY of this right this minute. Oh, and I also got up at 2:30 am when I realized "I can't sleep," and tore my house up looking for a silly ROSARY (which I found this morning in 2 minutes but I couldn't find last night in an hour). Oh, and I was also thinking "I need to go to the Social Security office and find out stuff you're supposed to find out." OK. Not on freaking Labor Day and not before I have a death certificate, which I still don't have because it was out of state - and Labor Day happened - and the USPS is losing it's mind anyway. I mean, there is no rush on anything - but there's a whole lot of "things" that I have to do, and all I really want to do is go grocery shopping and clean up the house and hang the sheets outside to dry because my husband loved that scent of sun dried sheets, and pretty up and wait for my husband to show up in the driveway. Which he will never do again.
Well, today I HAD planned to be doing laundry and otherwise cleaning up the house getting ready for my husband to come home from working out of state, so I won't be doing that. And I was so excited because this was a "lucky" year when he would be home for the anniversary of our first date (Wednesday), his birthday, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas, and my birthday too! We were super excited about all that. Oh well. The best laid plans, right?
Anyway, I am just so tired. And empty - that's the exact feeling. The numbness has worn off, though it may come back, who knows. The anger is nudging around my head. The reality, the awful reality, is setting in. I'm waking up at 2 am thinking "Do I qualify for healthcare coverage through the ACA website? How do I apply? What are my options?" I do not have to do ANY of this right this minute. Oh, and I also got up at 2:30 am when I realized "I can't sleep," and tore my house up looking for a silly ROSARY (which I found this morning in 2 minutes but I couldn't find last night in an hour). Oh, and I was also thinking "I need to go to the Social Security office and find out stuff you're supposed to find out." OK. Not on freaking Labor Day and not before I have a death certificate, which I still don't have because it was out of state - and Labor Day happened - and the USPS is losing it's mind anyway. I mean, there is no rush on anything - but there's a whole lot of "things" that I have to do, and all I really want to do is go grocery shopping and clean up the house and hang the sheets outside to dry because my husband loved that scent of sun dried sheets, and pretty up and wait for my husband to show up in the driveway. Which he will never do again.
Oh Kathryn, I am so very sorry. I remember the pain, and remember there is no way past it but through.
It's always good to vent, and share your feelings, and stay in contact. (((hugs)))
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Well, today I HAD planned to be doing laundry and otherwise cleaning up the house getting ready for my husband to come home from working out of state, so I won't be doing that. And I was so excited because this was a "lucky" year when he would be home for the anniversary of our first date (Wednesday), his birthday, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas, and my birthday too! We were super excited about all that. Oh well. The best laid plans, right?
Anyway, I am just so tired. And empty - that's the exact feeling. The numbness has worn off, though it may come back, who knows. The anger is nudging around my head. The reality, the awful reality, is setting in. I'm waking up at 2 am thinking "Do I qualify for healthcare coverage through the ACA website? How do I apply? What are my options?" I do not have to do ANY of this right this minute. Oh, and I also got up at 2:30 am when I realized "I can't sleep," and tore my house up looking for a silly ROSARY (which I found this morning in 2 minutes but I couldn't find last night in an hour). Oh, and I was also thinking "I need to go to the Social Security office and find out stuff you're supposed to find out." OK. Not on freaking Labor Day and not before I have a death certificate, which I still don't have because it was out of state - and Labor Day happened - and the USPS is losing it's mind anyway. I mean, there is no rush on anything - but there's a whole lot of "things" that I have to do, and all I really want to do is go grocery shopping and clean up the house and hang the sheets outside to dry because my husband loved that scent of sun dried sheets, and pretty up and wait for my husband to show up in the driveway. Which he will never do again.
I've read through this thread and wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for what has happened. So many truisms, like how we all grieve differently and how the emotions can play tricks on us, like just when we think we're feeling better, there it is, right back in your face.
One thing is that these trivial tasks like handling the social security and the rest of the paperwork do keep you busy for a while. That can be good. I'm glad you have family and such helpful neighbors. It must make a big difference. Don't try to stay strong; just go with the flow and, as you know from too much experience, there will be ups and downs. The whole thing is totally unpredictable. Just do what you can and be sure to take care of yourself too.
I am just feeling the nudgings of that "angry" side of grief. It's there - I have known all along it was there and would rear it's head. I woke up this morning thinking "Why aren't you here with me? Did you get that choice we read about - could you choose to go or stay and you chose to go?" Now of course that doesn't make any sense logically but I felt it anyway.
I don't want to be strong anymore. But I am strong. It's just who I am. So I guess I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep pressing forward.
That is natural and to be expected. But just be KathrynAragon! Not whoever others want you to be. And I did DM you contact information if you ever need to talk.
Jim (jbgusa)
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