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It may be a matter of timing. At first when Frank died, I could not look at any photos. A few months later, I was sorting through some (digital) photos and there he was, not only him, but wonderful days spent in the magic place where he lived. For the first time, I started to remember what he looked like before he got sick (he was a six-foot-tall man over 200 pounds, strong and solid who in less than two years wasted away to maybe 75 pounds of skin, bones, and sores) and I was able to smile.
It would have hurt too much in the first weeks and months to see those photos.
My wallpaper on this laptop is a photo of my mother with my daughter, so I look at Mom every day.
Your bolded statement really hit home for me. When your loved one has slowly deteriorated before your eyes, it is very painful to have the final sickly images of them always in your brain. For me, I had to do anything I could to replace those bad images with the healthier, happier images. Looking at old photos and videos helped me to do that. The bad images still appear from time to time, but most of the time now, I see the more vibrant images in my minds' eye.
I agree that timing matters. I understand how difficult it is for some to see photos right away. I'm the opposite. I had to see photos right away because I couldn't deal with the fact that one day they're here and the next they're gone. I'm not one who does things cold turkey, I need to do things gradually.
MQ, I'm sure your logging of emails is bittersweet. I love the music connection because my husband and I had something similar (he had been a radio DJ for a while years ago and used to make cassettes for me.)
I have a screen on my fridge that rotates out photos and some are of my late husband, some are of my late parents, some are of my late brother, some are old, some are newer, etc. Many of my kids, who are thankfully quite alive. Some vacations, etc. I think it links to my phone.
I have a couple of pics that I see every day. They make me smile with remembering a couple of good times together. Having those, I rarely look at videos or other pics. There is a balance between living in the here and now, remembering the loved, and getting stuck. Where and when people find that balance varies.
I haven't looked at photos that much. He died in August and the only family is his son and grandson back in the UK.
I did find albums that he had of himself when he was a lot younger and photos of people in the UK from long ago. I plan to send those to his son along with a few copies of us here in the USA.
But I find it extremely painful to look at any of it. Maybe it would be good for me, but right now it just releases pain, anger, sadness. However on the LR wall I've still got a framed photo of him when he was about 3 years old next to a similar framed photo of me at the same age. Those don't bother me. Neither does his teddy bear.
But it's the pictures of us, arm in arm, grinning, standing outside a pub with his old friend back in England that I cannot look at. Back when he was so happy and so strong. I can sort of coldly look at the pictures I intend to send to his son, but I can't look at them for very long.
It's not helpful for most people grieving that kind of loss.
I agree with this and it is certainly the case for me. Portraits or pictures around the house are fine , but videos or picture albums, especially the ones that died tragically, I just don’t go there.
One of the odd things I do, I never delete anyone’s phone number out of my phone, because they died. I like to think briefly of them when scrolling through looking for a number to call. ( I will delete or block someone that is alive in a heartbeat)
My ex-girlfriend was basically the love of my life. We had a lot of problems, but loved each other deeply. She died in January 2022 at 27 - I was 35.
We had been broken up for a couple of years, she moved out of state with her parents during COVID, but we talked a lot - she'd FaceTime me a few times a day. I had another girlfriend by the time she died. It wasn't right, but she had a lot of issues, and I still loved her. Nothing sexual happened.
I never really got to mourn my ex. My current girlfriend basically wanted me to put her in the past and not care. The family had no burial or funeral service, which was against the ex's wishes.
I go back every week or so and look at our pictures. I miss what we had and what could have been. I have all of our digital photos and videos encrypted in a hidden folder on my phone with a different passcode than I use on anything else. They're also backed up to a secondary cloud account no one else knows about, and where there are no saved credentials, a portable SSD, and on a USB stick in my filing cabinet where the physical pictures are.
I love my current girlfriend, but I feel like part of me died when my ex died. I always figured I'd outlive her, but I never thought she'd die at 27. In some ways, I still haven't moved on. I don't know if I ever will.
His son had a pic of him which was enlarged and framed that was displayed at the memorial. It was given to me. I put it on the mantle. I say good morning to him everyday, like I did when he was here. I say good night to him everyday, too and blow kisses at him like I did when he was here.
I watch videos, look at pictures and cry. And when I don't look at the videos and pictures, I still cry.
I wish I had video with my dad but the only one I have is when his body was shutting down, my sibling had him change his will which was recorded. My dad couldn't even recite his social. He was a numbers guy, so you know he was in bad shape. I saw it one time, I will not watch it again if I don't have to.
I've had a few photos of him with me, with my kids that were in my office. I also had our last Christmas photos on facebook which I've used as my profile pic every so often. That is the extent of me looking at photos of him.
I was not able to mourn my dad when he died due to family drama. I think of him a lot during the day, he's been gone since February 2006, almost twenty years. It doesn't seem like that long ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation
My ex-girlfriend was basically the love of my life. We had a lot of problems, but loved each other deeply. She died in January 2022 at 27 - I was 35.
We had been broken up for a couple of years, she moved out of state with her parents during COVID, but we talked a lot - she'd FaceTime me a few times a day. I had another girlfriend by the time she died. It wasn't right, but she had a lot of issues, and I still loved her. Nothing sexual happened.
I never really got to mourn my ex. My current girlfriend basically wanted me to put her in the past and not care. The family had no burial or funeral service, which was against the ex's wishes.
I go back every week or so and look at our pictures. I miss what we had and what could have been. I have all of our digital photos and videos encrypted in a hidden folder on my phone with a different passcode than I use on anything else. They're also backed up to a secondary cloud account no one else knows about, and where there are no saved credentials, a portable SSD, and on a USB stick in my filing cabinet where the physical pictures are.
I love my current girlfriend, but I feel like part of me died when my ex died. I always figured I'd outlive her, but I never thought she'd die at 27. In some ways, I still haven't moved on. I don't know if I ever will.
I'm sorry for your loss. It hurts a lot more when someone young like her dies. It is hard on a relationship when one person has a lot of health issues like she had. My daughter is the same way, her health has really declined in the last two years.
I can't count how many people I know who died that did not get a viewing, nor did they get an obituary. One person in my family was cremated when that was not what they wished. It made no sense to me because she planned to be buried where her husband and son were. Her name is on the headstone along with theirs. I don't know if her family will eventually bury her cremains there.
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