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I am so sorry for your loss, and wish I could say something to comfort you. I know that as hard as it has been for me, looking back, one of the hardest things I had to do was to tell my husband's mother that her son had died. I can't even begin to understand how that feels, so please know that there are people out there praying for you too.
I haven't begun to understand much yet, and like your son's case, was puzzled by my husband's death. There was such confusion about it, that slides of his biopsy were sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion, and we just got the results this week (just over 2 weeks after his death). It seems as though he didn't stand a chance, had several things wrong with him. (too complex to go into here)
I wish I knew why, but I accept that I will never know and my faith tells me that there is a reason, even if it's out of my grasp. So instead, I just keep trying to keep my promise to him to take care of his children and cats, all of which he loved. I'm starting to believe that I need to worry more about the things that I can control instead of the things that I could not. However, it doesn't make me any less sad.
Sometimes a good nights rest helps until I wake with a start or until I move around. I understand the waiting game. The pathology on my son will not be back for 8 weeks. I spoke to the medical examiner, aside from the heart damage, he has nothing to ad yet. Like, what do I want to hear anyway!
I moved to NEPA to be closer to my mom in her old age thinking my children were fine, not I feel so very far away from them. In the last email from my son, he was picking on me.." how do you like the mountains now Mom.."..the temp was -12.
I am also very concerned about my daughter, Riches sister. She had to break the news and drove 2 hours to get to me. ...I was out of cell range for most of the day. I will visit her tomorrow. She has a good support system but I don't know ladies, sometimes I think our kids still need mom,dad,sis,brother.
I guess this detached feeling is normal?
I am so VERY sorry for your loss. I have a daughter 17 and a daughter 21. Their loss would be far more than anything I have right now. My heart goes out to you. My kids are truly my life.
Even though my Dad was 82 and lived a good, long life...I still questiond the 'why's" when he died. I did find that that passes. There is a grief process, and this is one of the first things....I come to realize that this was God's plan for him. It doesn't matter why. My Dad had a minor surgical procedure on his leg veins 2 weeks before he died. Although no autopsy was done because of his age and general health, we are pretty sure he died of a blood clot going to his lungs. So...I question the leg procedure. But I've gotten past that now. For a while, looking at every older man would bring me to tears..sometimes it still does.
Loosing a sibling at a young age must be devastating. Yes...kids always need their Mom.
I'll say a prayer for you.
In this day and age, grief recovery resources are a must. There is no reason to go through this experience alone. You do have to reach out though. Join a grief support group. See a grief counselor. Acquire good reading material that will help you navigate grief. You've had many losses. Like the prize fighter who has been knocked down 1 too many times, you're going to need help to get back on your feet. Grief is the singlemost challenging emotional experience that we have to endure in this life. No one escapes it, although many try to avoid dealing with it at their peril.
I'm a retired grief therapist. Take my word for it. Get the help you need. No one does the Biggies alone!
Maurice Turmel PhD
Grief Recovery Specialist
[url=http://www.howtocopewithgriefandloss.com]How to Cope with Grief and Loss[/url]
I think I read this post last month and avoided posting to it...it came to close to my heart. First of all, you have my sympathies and my prayers. I might have DM'd you, I can't remember.
My year from hell was 2005. I was laid off from my work of 18 years and my oldest, dearest sister, my best friend was siagnosed with uterine cancer. She died in Nov. of 2005, my Dad died the following Dec. after a long illness. The following spring my brother died, all the while I had to handle my sister's estate , assist in my mother's care taking, all amid family contention and controversy. It was harrowing. After a previous job was compromised bu my grief and family obligations, I got a seasonal position close to home. Then that summer my brother's ex-wife,mother to my niece, whom I had known and loved for years, passed away.
I can now look back with some tears, but at least not totally incapacitated. Life's rapid events intrude and you end up with no choice but to go on. In the long run you realize that you are meant to go on. God or Fate has blessed you with the love that you've experienced to enhance your relationships with the living.
Don't be afraid to ask for professional help. Nowadays a good therapist or counselor takes the role that family and friends used to before the hands-on dealing with death was out-sourced to strangers.
This is not to compete with your heartache. I just want to illustrate that the loss doesn't diminish, but it does become more bearable with time. Many times I posted to these forums with small hurts and found that the many caring voices helped me carry the burden when those close to me were all tapped out. All your responsibilities will seem like life is coming at you like a steamroller; be sure to allow yourself little pleasures, a well timed walk, a spa diversion, a funny movie or pla, toohelp you commit to the here and now. Life does offer you more happiness. It will be waiting there for you when you are ready.
I lost my Dad March 5, 2008. The grief is still very real...but I have noticed some progress. I never thought it would be this hard for this long. I think I might be stepping over into 'depression' but how does one recognize the difference from the normal process of grief and clinical depression?
Well, most psychiatrists use a diagnostic manual called the DSM. There are a series of symptoms, and if you are experiencing them for more than 1-2 months after loss of a loved one, you will be diagnosed as depressed.
However, in my opinion (not a doctor but well-read on the subject), grieving is different for everyone and even normal grieving can take a long time. If it shows no signs of getting better, it could be depression. If nothing you do brings happiness, maybe depression. Sometimes, normal loss and sadness can trigger depression if you are predisposed to it.
I suggest, if you are concerned, going to talk to a psychotherapist/psychologist. They don't prescribe medicine, they use talk therapy to help people with their problems or disorders. Try this before going to a doctor that just gives you meds, that can be a tricky road to go down.
I'm so, so sorry for everyone who's posted here about going through grief. I think that, for many of us, the reason it hurts so much and so long is that we dont want to let go of the grief. Letting go of the grief seems synonymous with letting go of the beloved person we lost. And we dont ever want to do that.
Everyone here has given great advice. What works for one person may not work for another. Time is truly your ally in getting through the grief. One day you'll realize that you havent felt so sad and despondent for 30 minutes...then 60 minutes...then a day. You'll be able to do something or go somewhere that reminds you of the beloved without feeling the sharp stabbing pain you now feel. Then you may feel guilty because you're "letting go". That's ok. It's natural. Eventually, you'll be able to enjoy those things without feeling guilty.
If you're feeling suicidal, you probably do need professional help. but the most important thing to remember is that you shouldnt reprimand yourself for any feelings. It's ok to feel as though you're wallowing in grief. Later, it's ok to feel angry with the deceased for leaving you. And, even later, it's ok to not feel so bad again.
Oh how I do know where you are right now with your grief. I do not think in my lifetime I have felt anything any more gut wrenching than losing a spouse. If you have heard this once you have more than likely heard it a thousand times, "it takes time". No one is going to give you an answer or a timetable or a secret recipe for getting over your losses. My theory has always been that no matter how badly your heart has been broken, it will heal at its own pace and in its own time. All those emotions you are feeling now..FEEL THEM. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to cry.
After my husband died, I would pull the car into the driveway and just sit there and cry for maybe an hour. I felt totally alone. My son had begun to talk about moving into his own place with his girlfriend and that saddened me too because I was not ready to be totally alone. I did get invovled with outside things, played on a woman's softball team, went out with friends and my sisters. Visited friends. Kept busy.
Since losing my husband, I have lost my Mom, an 18 month old niece, a 25 year old nephew, my favorite Aunt in Maine and her husband and just recently the best Father In Law a girl could ever have. Yes, I remarried after my husband died but not for a very long time.
So, losing loved ones is as much a part of life as giving birth. It happens and although it breaks our hearts, the heart does heal and your life will go on. Just take your time don't feel that because maybe someone says to you "oh you just have to get over this"..that you do. Chin up, it does get better.
I lost my mother to strep at age 3 and father at age 5 heart.Coming up 4/14 it will be 19 years ago we lost our 30 year son to brain cancer.He got to where he wanted to be in life and his life was snatched away.The impact of the loss will never leave,you think of the happiness he brought.We think an accidental death would be harder to accept.For us life is for the living.My brothers and sisters are 80 plus and have had a good life.We are all married more than 50 years.Very sad for us but do not dwell on it. thank you
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Thank you
...I was out of cell range for most of the day. I will visit her tomorrow. She has a good support system but I don't know ladies, sometimes I think our kids still need mom,dad,sis,brother. 
