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Greetings,
On 9/6/09 my mother passed away. My dad died 4/1/03 from Leukemia. My mom had diabeties since 1990 and the Dr's say she had some heart stoppage that caused her to stop breathing, she started breathing again but was braindead when 911 was called.
My parents were 45/42 when I was born. I never saw them as young and as a kid I always had a "fear" something bad would happen. ( I think this may be common with those of us with older parents?). Anyway, I am now 37 and my sister is 53. Two weeks before she passed I went back home to visit her and tell her I loved her, and I asked her about her wishes. She had a bad high blood sugar attack (1500) and her kidneys failed but they were able to get her back to normal after 1 1/2 weeks. I "knew" that was the last time I would see her alive and I knew she was aware her time was near.
I put on the brave front for the service and burial but I go to work tomorrow and don't know how I am going to make it. I called her everyday on my way home and I have never made that drive without our quick talks. She was such a good friend to me as I became a wife and mother. I am truly devastated. I know she wanted to go and she was tired of dealing with her illness. Can anyone share some coping strategies. I am really hurting right now.
Can adults be considered "orphans"?.
Oh yes indeedy! And, an overwhelming sense of abandonment is very normal under the circumstances.
Be prepared to feel some anger, too. It is normal, and the emotion is valid one. It does not reflect on your innate goodness whatsoever. So please don't feel unhealthy guilt because of it.
You have started the grieving process. Give yourself some time. Some of it will never end.
So sorry about your loss. I partially understand what you're going through. I lost my mother rather suddenly in March of this year. I wish I could tell you that there was some easy way to deal with it, but in reality, I don't know that for sure.
Sometimes (most of the time), I don't feel like I've dealt with it at all. Both of my sisters seem to have already gone through the grieving process. Many times I would get a call from one of them, in tears, missing our mother. I still have yet to experience this for the most part. It's strange to me, that everyone else in my family regularly cries over her loss, and I rarely do. It's been 6 months so far, and I find myself wondering if I'm ever going to "get it out of my system" and have the "breakdown" that everyone says will come. I guess it's just different for everyone and no situation is the same.
Best wishes to you and your family. You will find your own way to deal with this over time, I'm sure of it. It's a rough road, but you just have to remember to be strong and take care of yourself and those around you, after all, those around you will be your biggest support system when you need it the most.
I lost my Mom in 1999. My boss just lost his 3 weeks ago and I had warned him "Nothing in life prepares you for the loss of your Mom" and he did not get what I was saying, she had cancer, they knew it was killing her and had time to accept it and get ready. I warned him again "Nothing in life prepares you for the loss of your Mom". He thought he was ready.
Now he understands fully what I meant and realizes NOTHING prepares you for the loss of your Mom and is having a hard time dealing with it.
I have not warned him yet as I am about to warn you (but I will). The holiday season is coming and this one will be the worst one you have ever had in your whole life. You will think you are going to go crazy and I can not tell you how much you will miss her, over the holidays.
Do you have brothers? Sisters? I could not have made it thru that first holiday without my sister and she wouldn't have made it without me. We were constantly on the phone expressing our pain and feelings with each other. It really helps to have someone who knows exactly what you are feeling and going through and understand. You will need a lot of support and understanding as this year comes to a end. You will NEVER stop missing her but the pain does lessen where it doesn't consume your every thought, every day. The holidays will be the worst, then it will start getting better.
My heart goes out to you, I have been there and know what it is like..still fresh in my memory. I wish there was something more I could say or do for you. What I have already said may sound cruel but it is something you need to know and prepare for and just understand, you WILL get through it, it'll just take time. Mom's are special, they have the biggest role in our lives than anyone else so you can't help but miss her more than you have ever missed anyone or anything in your life.
If you are a only child, I strongly urge you to find a grief support group NOW before the holidays get here.
Greetings,
On 9/6/09 my mother passed away. My dad died 4/1/03 from Leukemia. My mom had diabeties since 1990 and the Dr's say she had some heart stoppage that caused her to stop breathing, she started breathing again but was braindead when 911 was called.
My parents were 45/42 when I was born. I never saw them as young and as a kid I always had a "fear" something bad would happen. ( I think this may be common with those of us with older parents?). Anyway, I am now 37 and my sister is 53. Two weeks before she passed I went back home to visit her and tell her I loved her, and I asked her about her wishes. She had a bad high blood sugar attack (1500) and her kidneys failed but they were able to get her back to normal after 1 1/2 weeks. I "knew" that was the last time I would see her alive and I knew she was aware her time was near.
I put on the brave front for the service and burial but I go to work tomorrow and don't know how I am going to make it. I called her everyday on my way home and I have never made that drive without our quick talks. She was such a good friend to me as I became a wife and mother. I am truly devastated. I know she wanted to go and she was tired of dealing with her illness. Can anyone share some coping strategies. I am really hurting right now.
Can adults be considered "orphans"?.
Awwww. I am so sorry.
What a tough thing to deal with.
My friend lost her son a few months ago. He drown on a school field trip. She was so messed up. Well, I saw her the other day and she was sad. I asked if it was something that was said to her. Her daughter said, "It is (son's name) birthday today. Man. What do you say to someone that is greiving from the first birthday without her son. I just held her hand and told her we would see him again really soon. She said, "I just miss him so much."
I know you miss your Mom and Dad but very soon we will see them both. The Bible foretells a time when they will be ressurected from the dead. Brought back to life. (John 5:25, 28)
The only comfort I can give to you is what I know from the Bible. They are both resting in God's memory. You are the one that has to continue on. They don't know what's going on for they are just asleep. (John 11:11-14)
You need to do some serious praying. Heartfelt prayers to God for his holy spirit to help you cope with your loss. He will here you. (Psalms 34:17,18)
my mother died the same way...her heart stop and she wasnt getting any air to her brain....they resucitated her but she was pretty much a vegetable for 6mos....worst experience of my life...i missed her something awful (sniff!)
Dear bigbluelandrover, I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I have no idea what I can say to lighten your heart on the death of your Mother. I can only tell of my experience of loosing mine. My mother had a massive stroke that left her paralyzed on her right side, and was unable to talk. She lived this way for 2 years. In that time she saw her Granddaughter get married in her back yard, my husband and I move out to the country place of our dreams. My girlfriends and I gave her the best birthday of her last year of life, by taking her out to dinner, showering her with laughter and gifts. Four months afterwards she had a massive heart attack, and was revived by EMS after my Father called 911. She lay in the hospital, brain dead for 5 days, allowing her niece, sister an my Father and I to say our "goodbyes" and we will be okay, and see her soon up in Heaven. She died peacefully surrounded by her loved ones. I feel her presence every day looking out for me, guiding me, and loving me. Please know that you and your Mother will someday soon be reunited in the arms of love.
I have no place to actually give advice on this as I was blessed with the longevity of my parents because they had me very young. But they are getting older and I think of the loss of my mother every so often and like yourself she is my best friend and we talk about everything.
I think the hardest thing for you is when the phone doesn't ring at that special time or it does ring and it won't be her on the other end and since you talked to her daily you may want to take that time you had each day on the phone and divert it to a new ritual to celebrate her life and love. Stop and toss pennies in a fountain, go have coffee somewhere you know she'd like, if you have children do something special with them - just anything to replace the telephone ritual you had each day. That in and of itself would tear my heart apart.
Just know you are her legacy and value what you learned from her and pass it to others. Recently, my 93 year old god mother died. The woman practically raised me and growing up I saw her everyday. She taught me so much by example and I read the following at her funeral and pull it out every so often to read as a reminder of what I need to continue to do in her honor and that her efforts with me never went to waste:
Time Tested Beauty Tips By: Sam Levenson
For attractive lips, speak only words of kindness. For lovely eyes, see only the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge you never walk alone ...
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. In time, you will discover, that you have two hands. One, for helping yourself, one, for helping others.
Always remember people, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed, redeemed and redeemed. Never throw anyone away.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Having lost all my family the process of grief is not unknown to me. Please let me tell you it is a process.
Go on line and search the "7 stages of mourning" or "stages of mourning". You will find a great deal of information. I hope it helps.
My thoughts are with you.
Greetings,
On 9/6/09 my mother passed away. My dad died 4/1/03 from Leukemia....I put on the brave front for the service and burial but I go to work tomorrow and don't know how I am going to make it. I called her everyday on my way home and I have never made that drive without our quick talks. She was such a good friend to me as I became a wife and mother. I am truly devastated. I know she wanted to go and she was tired of dealing with her illness. Can anyone share some coping strategies. I am really hurting right now.
Can adults be considered "orphans"?.
I am so sorry for your loss; in just this past week I would bet to you it seems time has stood still? Your wound is still so new - please go easy & take your time.
I lost my father when I was twenty & he was only 55. I am closer to my mom & know as the day approaches, it will be harder to say goodbye.
I lost my husband 3 years ago, & that has been my toughest battle - to move on. It was a rocky marriage that was finally getting on solid ground....
his death took away the chance we had to make things right.
So when you ask for coping strategies, I will tell you what my niece has told me. She lost both her parents - her father first to cancer & her mother to a brain tumor. Then she made it out of the second tower on 9/11 only to have to face the sadness that most of her co-workers did not. She is the orphan, alright.
I had a rather hard spell a few months ago & questioned her about how she gets thru "those" days - for me they just don't seem to stop showing up uninvited. Here is her advice:
"One foot in front of the other. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far you get - just put that foot out and move. You are not the one who died, so live your life in a way that will make them proud. They do look down on us, & their spirit is always with us...so keep moving, knowing you are not alone."
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