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The only problem I see here is stepmom doing this. I would NEVER, if I was remarried with stepchildren, touch my stepkids hair without discussing with my new husband and his ex-wife first. I would expect the same in return for my kids.
Hello everyone. My 14 year old daughter came back from her visit with Daddy and family with the hair of her dreams- A sort of reverse mullet with extremely short back, very long front pieces, spikey bangs over her eyes, all of it jet black with thick hot pink stripes and highlights. Whew,that was hard to even describe.
Step mom took her to a beauty salon with an anime character illustration as the goal, and let the punk rock hairdresser have at it. That was in CA and we live in Indiana. My daughter still likes it, but thinks the back is too short, I get the feeling stepmom did not help moderate the style at all. My daughter obviously wants to express herself, which I let her do. However, I am very concerned that my daughter will be judged here in IN, and she has had trouble with depression that has caused her to be unable to attend school, so I will be homeschooling her this year. Please no comments on that, just the hair issue. I am very concerned other parents will now see her as trouble, and it will be hard for her to form new friendships, school and church groups, etc. She is a sweet , very respectful and creative girl.
I had told her she could get a cut and highlights in CA, but nothing too drastic.There was no communication from the other parents, there rarely is. I think it was very irresponsible for step mom - whose own look is very "wives of OC" and whose own daughters have normal hair- to go do this with my daughter. She is in her early 40's BTW, and knows better.
What does everyone else think?
I would rip the step mom a new one... I would be so pi**ed off that I would literally be FUMING mad... I think this was a play to tick you off... especially if there is never communication... sound like a total BI***... I would also drag my daughter to the salon for a new dye job.
I think your daughter has learned a valuable lesson. Or, if she hasn't, this is a great opportunity for a "teachable moment". First and foremost, remember to remind her that hair grows back. With hair, almost nothing is permanent.
It is still summer so there is time to remedy the new hairstyle if she wants to. A good salon can make a world of difference. Perhaps daughter should chip in some to make the alterations, since she wanted the unique do in the first place.
As for step-mom, I don't really think she's a major issue. Sure, she probably could have suggested that this might not be the right do, but ultimately, your daughter made the decision and at 14, she's old enough to have say in how she wears her hair. Sure, she probably didn't look past how the do would be perceived back home but many teens don't have that sort of foresight. Go back to my "first and foremost" point: hair grows back, this change is not permanent .
Regarding how the Indiania folks treat her, I'm assuming you're talking about people who already know your daughter. If they are shallow enough to alter their treatment of her based on her hairstyle, that speaks volumes about their character. Are these folks she'll really want to form long-lasting friendships with? What if she gains or loses a significant amount of weight? What if she'd decided to express herself by getting a tattoo (which is much more permanent than a hairstyle)? What if she gets raging acne? You say she's a sweet, charming, delightful girl. Chances are, she'll continue to demonstrate those characteristics, even with her anime hair.
In any event, as I said, you still have plenty of time to make changes should you and she decide to. Talk to her. Go over the pros and cons of the current do as well as the pros and cons of changing back to what you consider a more "acceptable" style. Share with her your wisdom, based on your experiences. Then, based on your discussion, let her make the choice.
At least, that's how I'd approach it. Hair is so easy to fix.
I don't need to post anything. NN here said it all. Great post, right on with all points.
I see no issue at all with stepmother doing this since the child IS 14 and DID have permission to go to the salon while in CA. If it were a little kid I'd pop a cork, but it's not.
It is interesting that I agree with all the points here. Yes, I think step-mom was trying to tick me off, which is why I did not rip her a new one. I am sure she had her response all ready. However, I do feel after some cooling off that it is one of the easiest things to change back and is not permanent. I love my daughters unique spirit and she has had fun counting the shocked looks she gets( 23 so far ). I have had fun helping her style the new do and she plans on having the hi-lights changed to blonde because her hair clashes with too many of her clothes.
The people who know her will not change their opinion of her, but we will be meeting new people this year and where we live this is an extreme style. If we try to even it out and go back to brown, it will look matronly and plain. I must stress it is very extreme-buzzed in back, 12" past her chin in front. Not the cute edgy bob that is in fashion. I plan on letting her enjoy it since its done. She doesn't have to get a job right now, and you are only 14 once for better or worse.
I appreciate support that step-mom and dad should have discussed it first, but they also talked her into quiting her depression meds without my or her pediatrician and therapists' input. Too many issues for fashion n beauty forum, but I am trying to see what the general opinion of the hair thing is W/O other issues attatched. Thanks for all the honest opinions.
Last edited by fabumom07; 08-06-2008 at 09:16 PM..
Reason: type error
I don't think you should have told her she could get a cut and highlights in California. You put yourself out of the loop right there. You should have done it on your watch, under your eye.
Giving a 14 year old permission to do something away from home (even though you told her not too drastic) when she's under other people's care is just setting everyone up for failure.
You kind of abdicated on that one. Well, live and learn. Thank-God it's just hair and not a tattoo!
Yep, I do have a few regrets. But as I said, Step-mom is the one who took her and her look is not alternative, so I did not imagine anything so extreme.But my daughter loves the extreme look. Actually as I write this, it is actually growing on me. It brings out her inner pixie.
Sooooooo very important! And how wonderful that she has the self-confidence to express herself (in a non-threatening way, of course).
Quote:
Originally Posted by fabumom07
Actually as I write this, it is actually growing on me. It brings out her inner pixie.
Awwwww how sweet! Glad to hear it!
((Not so happy to hear they convinced her to get off her meds without getting any input from home, but you're right. That's fodder for a different thread in a different section of the forums.))
Devil's Advocate here. Is it possible that your daughter took the opportunity to be a little rebellious so far away, knowing that you couldn't do anything about it and that SM would probably let her get away with it?
That's not to let SM off the hook, but I think you need to consider that your daughter might have been full party to the decision making. And I don't think she should be punished for that, rather that could launch a discussion.
Yep, I do have a few regrets. But as I said, Step-mom is the one who took her and her look is not alternative, so I did not imagine anything so extreme.But my daughter loves the extreme look. Actually as I write this, it is actually growing on me. It brings out her inner pixie.
If she's happy with it, then let her have it. Hair is not permanent. Hair will grow out. Color can be removed easily.
Now if she wants tattoos and piercings, tell her that she has to wait until she's got a job and can pay for them by herself.
As far as the expressionism, you should be applauding her for being so comfortable in doing this! Since the back is too short, go ahead and show her how to spike it. I've seen that done really nicely.
An interesting tidbit: What you describe sounds like a Concave bob - like what Posh Spice had.
There was no punishment for my daughter to be sure, and yes this was the hair of her dreams, as I said. I had planned on discussung more spikey edges and some colored tips. The most shocking was probably the "manic panic magenta " thick stripes, and that is fading fast to a strawberry milkshake color.
I guess as her mom I wanted to help her find a way to express herself without alienating herself too much or open herself up to unfair judgements.
I feel life stepmom just let her have the super-fun all out moment without having to deal with the day to day outcome during the school year. I feel that being 14 is still a child in many ways, and at 16 or 17 she will be better prepared to deal with those judgements.
Example: We took her to the optomotrist, an older man, to have an exam for contact lenses. He very sternly cautioned me about SOME teens not being ready to deal with the responsibilities that come with contacts. I must say he looked skeptical. I really think that my of a few months ago with long brown hair and subtle hi-lights would have been seen as responsible enough. I got contacts at 13 and no one ever made me feel unable to deal.
It would be nice to just be her friend and say "way to go " on the super- funky hair, but I cannot drop the "mom hat" and ignore all the possible ways being judged as deviant could affect her young life. I have been her advocate in school, fighting for her to have a normal life when she has been unable to attend, finish work, etc. Even though I don't have a good relationship with step-mom, I have to trust her to act as mom when I am too far away to do so. She took the opportunity to be the buddy, without wondering how my daughter's day to life may be affected .Then she sends her back to mom to deal with real life issues.
But, yeah, at the end of the day it is just hair. Just like it is just skin color, and a million other things people prejudice against. And I am the one who raised a daughter to never view others with prejudice, so in the end I guess it is my responsibility. And my daughter is my pride and joy
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