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I hear what you are all saying, and agree in sentiment. But realize you are saying what you would want for "your child". My point is not that I want to teach my daughter to be someone who fits in, anyone who knows me knows I am a free spirit in many ways. My point is that there can be negative social consequences to an extreme style and it is a PARENTAL decision to be made by the parent and child.
This post is not about hair styles it is about respect for the discretion of the person responsible for well being of the child- which is the parent.
With a 14 year old moving to a new school, she is already stressed enough. She is probably searching for an identity, and some of the make-up and hair cuts at that age can be pretty crazy looking.
Regardless of whether it came from the step mom or not, it's hers and I'd go easy on her. The less you say, the more apt she'll be to change it. So if I were you, I'd find something else to focus on!
I hear what you are all saying, and agree in sentiment. But realize you are saying what you would want for "your child". My point is not that I want to teach my daughter to be someone who fits in, anyone who knows me knows I am a free spirit in many ways. My point is that there can be negative social consequences to an extreme style and it is a PARENTAL decision to be made by the parent and child.
This post is not about hair styles it is about respect for the discretion of the person responsible for well being of the child- which is the parent.
I'm not in your situation in that respect but I have to wonder if a parent did make the decision. Did your ex-husband approve the style even though it was the step-mom who accompanied your daughter? Your ex and his wife may very well have discussed it prior and he may not have seen a problem with it. Unless you ask, you don't know for sure. And he is your daughter's parent.
Also, I think some of us don't see "an extreme hair style" as enough of an issue as to require deep thought or discussion. Nor do some of us believe that the "negative social consequences" are all that serious. It isn't the same as if your ex and his wife gave permission for a tattoo; that requires parental involvement because it's permanent.
The only way I can relate to the situation is that if my mother took my daughter to have her hair done and they chose that style without consulting me, I'd probably not give it another thought. My only concern would be if it goes against my daughter's private school dress code. Other than that, no problem.
on the hair thing.
trust me its not just a stage that will go away or should be ignored. lack of discipline and order have a crippling effect on kids. lack of discipline results in more aggressive forms of bad behavior down the road. talk to the genetic parent and then move forward. often genetic parents resist discipline and order, bek the genetic parent feels the need to compensate and protect for their marital failures. very few americans suffer from too much discipline.
fabumom07
i understand your frustration and fears related to the now "old' haircut and style. I still think the SM should not be blamed for what happened. if your 14 year old daughter went to CA saying my mom said i could get a cut and color (without you specifying what she can and cannot do), then how is SM-s fault? Most likely your daughter said I want this cut and that was the end of it. It's not SM's responsibility to say 'no that's extreme.' she's not her daughter. all she got was 'i can go to a hairdresser while I am visiting you guys.'
i think you have learned your lesson here, and by the way that style would not be ok for a 14 year old anywhere, big or small city.
good luck
Location: Prescott Valley,az summer/east valley Az winter
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sounds like mom is trying to cause trouble for stepmom~ your attitude is doing you no good! Stepmom well within her rights~ and dauther likes her new cut and mom trying to cut her down for it! If you do not like hairstyle send your daughter back to her dad and stepmom~ at least they are civil with the kid!
I can't even believe there is a discussion about whether or not a girl that age should be able to do what she wants with her hair... she's a teenager, not a seven year old, parents need to put away their anxieties and prejudice and allow their kids to express themselves. A decade from now she may not be able to have the hair she wants due to the workplace, she's at the age now where she should be able to experiment. I did some CRAZY things to my appearance at that age... and it DID limit who I could befriend, it limited my friends to those who could look beyond appearance and judgment and kept me away from the girls who pandered to what others thought.
Just what we need, another girl raised to believe she should please others instead of herself. It sounds to me perhaps the mother is hurt by the fact that the girl went through such a drastic change with the stepmom rather than herself. Or perhaps she is worried that others will judge her parenting ability based on her daughter's hair and now wants to pass those insecurities on to the next generation.
on the hair thing.
trust me its not just a stage that will go away or should be ignored. lack of discipline and order have a crippling effect on kids. lack of discipline results in more aggressive forms of bad behavior down the road. talk to the genetic parent and then move forward. often genetic parents resist discipline and order, bek the genetic parent feels the need to compensate and protect for their marital failures. very few americans suffer from too much discipline.
Hm... I used to have hair dyed every color, sometimes a shaved head, multiple piercings, wore fishnets and punk-rock regalia when I was in my teens... as I am nearing 30, happily married, happily living, earning an advanced degree, and sporting normal looks outside one tattoo and one piercing, I have serious doubt that a) a hairstyle is indicative of a lack of discipline or b) lack of discipline is crippling.
There was plenty of discipline and order in my household, however it was reserved for situations that actually impacted my wellbeing and future, such as grades, manners, self-esteem, and healthy relationships. In addition, I also learned to look beyond appearances, a vital life skill that so many children are never taught.
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