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The problem is that most people in an abusive relationship don't look at the things that really matter, they are afraid of being alone, and having to support themselves, and a making a change in living circumstances. They are unhappy, but unwilling to make those big changes, and lack the will to even know where to start or how.
1. Are you happy? What is being "happy"? When is the last time you were truly "happy"? What would make you happy?
Talking about happiness is big. Sounds simple, but it is not, it makes the person really think about what it would take to create that again in their lives. Some people in abusive relationships are co-depedent, or like the drama (sounds strange, but true), so they complain about it, but really don't want to make a change...So, ask her if she wants to make a change, and is serious about it....then, refer her to a counselor. That is what a friend would do...because it would just be too frustrating for you to be her friend, while she goes back and forth about this....
I would try to be supportive while encouraging her to seek a life in which she does not need something outside of herself to be happy.
A therapist and/or drug support group is a great start. In fact, she has already demonstrated that she feels better by talking to someone, so a therapist might be able to help her sort all of this out and gain the confidence to make positive changes in her life.
Ideally, she will eventually enter a rehab facility: it's impossible to kick crack on one's own. However, I would first try to get her into the hands of a professional (therapist) who can encourage her to make the decision to enter rehab, which is a decision that she needs to make on her own.
It's great that she feel comfortable with you--it means that she has not lost the ability to trust--but she needs professional help.
While I agree with you attending Al-Anon I don't think you will be able to help her...and to be honest "just listening" is actually enabling her. It may be that she has reached a point of overload and can't deal with anymore. You act as a release for her thus allowing her to accept more...
If it were me..I would tell her In a tough-love way that what she is telling me is having an detrimental effect on my life. That I can not listen to anymore of what she is dealing with until she is ready to do something about it. At that time I would help her in a meaningful way. She may shut down again but it might also cause her to hit bottom...longterm addicts need to hit absolute bottom before they are willing to help themselves. Helping themselves is the key...if they won't help themselves then no one can help them.
I know this is not what you want to hear and it sounds heartless but that is the reality. Another reality is that she may die regardless of what you do.
I don't mean to sound rude, but do you mind me asking your qualifications? I see the logic behind what you are saying, but I am just wondering whether you are an addictions expert or have gone through something like this personally and experienced success in the method you are suggesting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
The problem is that most people in an abusive relationship don't look at the things that really matter, they are afraid of being alone, and having to support themselves, and a making a change in living circumstances. They are unhappy, but unwilling to make those big changes, and lack the will to even know where to start or how.
1. Are you happy? What is being "happy"? When is the last time you were truly "happy"? What would make you happy?
Talking about happiness is big. Sounds simple, but it is not, it makes the person really think about what it would take to create that again in their lives. Some people in abusive relationships are co-depedent, or like the drama (sounds strange, but true), so they complain about it, but really don't want to make a change...So, ask her if she wants to make a change, and is serious about it....then, refer her to a counselor. That is what a friend would do...because it would just be too frustrating for you to be her friend, while she goes back and forth about this....
Thanks for this insight. It helps a lot to hear these different perspectives because it is difficult to understand the mindset she has been in all these years. I will definitely ask her about happiness, and about whether she wants to make a change. Those are indeed thought provoking questions if she considers them seriously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarlaJane
I would try to be supportive while encouraging her to seek a life in which she does not need something outside of herself to be happy.
A therapist and/or drug support group is a great start. In fact, she has already demonstrated that she feels better by talking to someone, so a therapist might be able to help her sort all of this out and gain the confidence to make positive changes in her life.
Ideally, she will eventually enter a rehab facility: it's impossible to kick crack on one's own. However, I would first try to get her into the hands of a professional (therapist) who can encourage her to make the decision to enter rehab, which is a decision that she needs to make on her own.
It's great that she feel comfortable with you--it means that she has not lost the ability to trust--but she needs professional help.
Thanks for the suggestions. I agree 100% that she needs professional help. The drug issue is huge. She has been a high functioning addict for most of her adult life. I honestly am not sure she is EVER without substance on board (maybe if she sleeps long enough?).
To me it seems there are some positives. She is talking about this stuff for the first time ever, and she has for the first time in nearly two decades taken some interest in self-preservation and self-care (little things, like going to the doctor for a routine physical). Her husband was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year, so I think it has catapulted her into really examining the situation and her life. I am not overly optimistic, but cautiously optimistic. I know there is not a whole lot I can do personally, but if there is any opportunity, I would like to at least encourage her in a direction that will help.
Thanks for the advice jaijai. I have been hesitant to get too involved for that very reason. On one hand I do want to help if that is possible. On the other hand, I don't want that kind of drama in my life (the kind of drama that abusive drug addicts tend to create). I spent years extricating myself from my extremely dysfunctional (violent, drug addicted, criminal) family of origin and have maintained that if any of them ever want help, they need to show that they are willing to do the heavy work. It seems that Al Anon could be very helpful with reality checking and gaining insight into what my role can and should be in this situation. Honestly, I don't have a lot of hope. However I don't want to turn away if there is an opportunity to help this woman. Thanks again!
Yes, and it's one thing to help / be involved with an addict who is in active recovery (or who at least wants to begin the process of recovery) but dealing with a crack addict who is not even at a point where she acknowledges she has an addiction and who is in an abusive relationship .... wow ... that's a lot to deal with but i understand that you want to help her if it's possible.
My Mom was in an abusive relationship, and ahe is also an addict. Every week she has a new drama she would dump on me, and I was constantly upset. I was sick I was so upset all the time about her issues. Finally, I told her I really loved her, but would not talk to her when she brought up all her problems, because it was too upsetting for me. I told her to see a counselor, there is free professional counseling at our church.
So, then when we talked we discussed her cats, my kids, very superficial. We maintained a relationship. I would have never done any type of "tough love", that seems very manipulative to me. I think people thinking about making a change in their lives need support.
My Mom was in an abusive relationship, and ahe is also an addict. Every week she has a new drama she would dump on me, and I was constantly upset. I was sick I was so upset all the time about her issues. Finally, I told her I really loved her, but would not talk to her when she brought up all her problems, because it was too upsetting for me. I told her to see a counselor, there is free professional counseling at our church.
So, then when we talked we discussed her cats, my kids, very superficial. We maintained a relationship. I would have never done any type of "tough love", that seems very manipulative to me. I think people thinking about making a change in their lives need support.
The situation with your mom sounds very painful . It sounds like you handled it effectively and compassionately, and it's great that she is able to respect the boundaries you set. Good luck to you both.
She did finally break up with the jerk, he was a control freak, and psycho. It took years of drama though. She would throw him out, he would come back, he would leave her, she would take him back. It was insane. Why would anyone live that way is beyond me. It is an illness.
I don't mean to sound rude, but do you mind me asking your qualifications? I see the logic behind what you are saying, but I am just wondering whether you are an addictions expert or have gone through something like this personally and experienced success in the method you are suggesting.
My daughter was a meth addict..I tried to get her into counseling, rehab...you name it. She would sneak into our house at night to eat and shower (our youngest let her in) but really she lived on the street. She and her boyfriend decided to move to Montanna or Wyoming or some such place...I didn't hear from her for over 3 months which was common for her..got a call at 2am from Vegas..she is strung out, the boyfriend has been arrested she has no where to go, can she come home? This all started when she was 13 and like I said I had tried everything...She was an adult and my heart couldn't take anymore drama, anymore lies or excuses. I told her no...But if she was truely serious then I would call Grandmother and Grandfather and ask if she could stay with them. She had hit bottom..she was ready, she was 20. She quit doing drugs and never looked back. This is just a very small part of a very long episode of our life as a family.
Last edited by Chanygirl; 09-30-2011 at 10:53 PM..
My daughter was a meth addict..I tried to get her into counseling, rehab...you name it. She would sneak into our house at night to eat and shower (our youngest let her in) but really she lived on the street. She and her boyfriend decided to move to Montanna or Wyoming or some such place...I didn't hear from her for over 3 months which was common for her..got a call at 2am from Vegas..she is strung out, the boyfriend has been arrested she has no where to go, can she come home? This all started when she was 13 and like I said I had tried everything...She was an adult and my heart couldn't take anymore drama, anymore lies or excuses. I told her no...But if she was truely serious then I would call Grandmother and Grandfather and ask if she could stay with them. She had hit bottom..she was ready, she was 20. She quit doing drugs and never looked back. This is just a very small part of a very long episode of our life as a family.
Thanks for sharing. As a mother, I can only begin to imagine the heartbreak you endured. So glad that your daughter pulled through.
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. It sounds like you handled it effectively and compassionately, and it's great that she is able to respect the boundaries you set. Good luck to you both.
