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A family member recently opened up to me about her abusive relationship and I am looking for advice on what to say to her. Here are some details:
They've been together for 20 years (she's 50). They are married, but he lives with multiple women part time. He does not want to be seen in public with her, treats her with disdain, and has very little to do with her. Yet, she still hangs on to the relationship and allows him in her life.
Details she has not shared directly with me, but that are obvious and that I've heard from other family members: they are both heavy drug addicts and alcoholics (she starts every morning with lighting up a crack pipe). They both also gamble a lot. He beats her sometimes.
As I said, she's began opening up to me about all of this. In the past I responded along the lines of "get the heck out of that relationship!" but she just shut down. She seems to do better when I just listen and offer compassion and understanding, rather than offering advice. I'm just trying to figure out if there is anything I can say that would make a difference or get through to her. Or do I just listen? I think her opening up about it is a big step for her. She has a huge fear of being judged and really struggles with all the shame she carries. I don't think she wants to face the drug issue. She believes it's okay that she "parties" (her euphemism) because it doesn't hurt anyone else.
That's a heavy burden for you to deal with- but it could be a great opportunity to help. Your relative feels comfortable with you and is reaching out to you for a reason.
It sounds like there are a number issues that are problematic here, of which the abusive relationship is just one. Unfortunately abuse is common in relationships with addicts, and does not exist independent of the drug us issues.
I think the first priority would be to convince your relative to seek help with her substance abuse. Have you thought of an intervention? Would she be open to seeing a doctor or therapist about her behaviors?
Other possibilities would be attending some AA or Al-anon meetings and talking to others that have dealt with substance abuse or relatives with substance abuse and all that that can involve. You could also speak to your own doctor about the best plan of action.
Thanks for the reply and ideas DondeDemonios. I am not sure about an intervention. It's not something I've ever seriously considered. My first reaction was to think there is no way that I have the resources: time-wise, emotionally, etc. It seems like a big task. It's worth mulling over though. I really like the idea of attending Al Anon to try to gain insight and advice. It sounds like a great resource. Thanks again! Take good care.
Yes to Al-Anon although i'd say do that first before you get more deeply involved.
If you don't know how to skillfully deal with the situation, it could take you down.
Thanks for the advice jaijai. I have been hesitant to get too involved for that very reason. On one hand I do want to help if that is possible. On the other hand, I don't want that kind of drama in my life (the kind of drama that abusive drug addicts tend to create). I spent years extricating myself from my extremely dysfunctional (violent, drug addicted, criminal) family of origin and have maintained that if any of them ever want help, they need to show that they are willing to do the heavy work. It seems that Al Anon could be very helpful with reality checking and gaining insight into what my role can and should be in this situation. Honestly, I don't have a lot of hope. However I don't want to turn away if there is an opportunity to help this woman. Thanks again!
Ask her to remember back to a time that was happier in her life; a time before she became addicted to all three things: drugs, alchohol, and her abuser.
Ask her how she would like her life to be. How does she picture herself ten years from now?
Let that sink in for a week or a month; however long it takes. Then, if it appears through your talks that she is realizing her present situation, ask her how she can get that life back, or attain any long-term goals she might have thought of.
Have her try this exercise: every night before falling asleep she should go over the entire day; what he said, what she did, etc. Then tell her to think of herself and her husband as 'characters' in a movie or book.
If that can become a habit for her, then ask her what opinions she has of the 'characters'. I would bet my bottom dollar that her opinions would be totally negative. I eventually saw that the person who said he 'loved' me, really didn't. I mean, no one who loves another beats them up; it just doesn't compute. When I examined my 'character', all I could say was "What is this dumb woman doing? How could she let herself be treated this way?"
It's similar to watching a horror movie, when the audience can see that the creep is just around the corner, but the dumb character is bothering to stop to tie her shoelace, or something like that.
That is how I was able to get myself out of it, without being murdered. Abused people are so far down the hole, they cannot even look up.
The key is for her to look at the situation objectively; totally disconnecting herself from it on a personal level. Eventually, if she continues with the 'characters' thing, she will realize that the situation is very bad, and will take steps to get out of it.
Fox Terrier,
Thank you so much for your suggestion. I will definitely encourage her to do this exercise, in addition to asking her the other questions you mentioned. It seems like a good method of self-evaluation for anyone. Glad to hear that you were able to get out of your situation, and sorry that you had to go through it at all.
While I agree with you attending Al-Anon I don't think you will be able to help her...and to be honest "just listening" is actually enabling her. It may be that she has reached a point of overload and can't deal with anymore. You act as a release for her thus allowing her to accept more...
If it were me..I would tell her In a tough-love way that what she is telling me is having an detrimental effect on my life. That I can not listen to anymore of what she is dealing with until she is ready to do something about it. At that time I would help her in a meaningful way. She may shut down again but it might also cause her to hit bottom...longterm addicts need to hit absolute bottom before they are willing to help themselves. Helping themselves is the key...if they won't help themselves then no one can help them.
I know this is not what you want to hear and it sounds heartless but that is the reality. Another reality is that she may die regardless of what you do.
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