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I just would have liked to have known what it was like to feel like somebody loved me! Some people seem to have had the experience ten times, lol, but I never have. My ex didn't love me--he just lied and said he did because every alkie needs someone to feed off of, and I guess he knew I was desperate enough and naive enough at that time to fall for it. For a while, anyway. Then I got smarter.
I am sorry you had this experience. I guess both my ex's loved me - at least my second one did until he met someone on the internet he thought he could love more.
I am sorry you had this experience. I guess both my ex's loved me - at least my second one did until he met someone on the internet he thought he could love more.
At this age, it just bothers me because it's become so evident that it's unlikely I will ever experience what love feels like. For many years, when I was young, and then even after my divorce, I thought for sure it would have to happen eventually. I know I'm a little odd and my interests are different from regular people's, and I'm not a beauty queen but don't need a bag over my head either, but geez, I never imagined I was so completely repulsive and unlovable. Having to accept that fact has been very difficult, but I'll get through it and then just proceed with whatever time I have left, I guess. I'm also abnormally tall for a woman--half an inch over six feet, which didn't help in the romance department much. I tried EHarmony years ago when it first came out, and they told me that because of my height, only 3% of the male species would be interested.
I can't imagine ever wanting to get married again. My husband was the "love of my life" and a "needle in a haystack" for me...But I remember how I felt way back when. (Before I met him!) I was "burned out" on love and relationships and never expected to want to get married again...I had been on my own for 12 years after my divorce. I basically "gave up" and planned to live alone until I died. And I came to a place of acceptance about it...Then one day a "cute man" popped into my life and made me laugh and smile. We became friends and best buddies and spent all our time together. We had fun and shared our deepest thoughts and goals and dreams with each other. One day we fell in love while still remaining best friends!...Wow! I felt so lucky! He enriched my life in so many ways! There is no way to replace him and I don't want to try and replace him!....So there is really no telling what the future might have in store for us! I didn't expect to meet such a "cute man" and fall in love again! But it happened to me and it can happen to anyone when we least expect it! This is how I feel anyway!
Exactly. At 43 with the career gone and a divorce I didn't want, it is over. Nobody cares, and I don't care to talk to anyone. Life didn't work out. Had I known 10 years ago I would end up like this, I would have ended my life then. I consider that option daily now. All I have to look forward to is being broke and homeless, and thats no way to live, so why even bother?
I know this isn't what I am supposed to say, but I totally get it. I look around at my life these days and I think, wtf. I'm a bit of a health nut, but I'm starting to think that my love of fitness will keep me alive too long. I ****ed up, and now my life sucks. Yes, many people have it worse than me so that's why I just keep my mouth shut as I get on with life. I think back on my dramatic teen-aged suicide attempts and wish I'd have been successful - it isn't like I've done anything that matters over the last 25 years. And I sit here and realize, this is it. This. This is what it all comes down to. And it sucks because I really honestly believe there are many positive things about me... that makes it worse. Because even what good I have comes up short. I am hoping I am feeling extra bad because of the holidays.
At this age, it just bothers me because it's become so evident that it's unlikely I will ever experience what love feels like. For many years, when I was young, and then even after my divorce, I thought for sure it would have to happen eventually. I know I'm a little odd and my interests are different from regular people's, and I'm not a beauty queen but don't need a bag over my head either, but geez, I never imagined I was so completely repulsive and unlovable. Having to accept that fact has been very difficult, but I'll get through it and then just proceed with whatever time I have left, I guess. I'm also abnormally tall for a woman--half an inch over six feet, which didn't help in the romance department much. I tried EHarmony years ago when it first came out, and they told me that because of my height, only 3% of the male species would be interested.
You're not unloveable! You're a "gem" and a "prize!" This is how I feel about you anyway! I feel lucky that we met here. Your posts have helped me "stay sane" today! Thanks so much! You have a lot going for you! One day you'll meet a man who will love and value and appreciate you!...I know several couples where the woman is much taller than her husband. They don't care! One couple has been happily married for 40 years! I dated guys who were shorter than me when I was younger and it was all fine with me. (And the guys!) How do you feel about it? And you may run into super tall men in the future too. Who knows?....I just wrote another post about how I felt before I met my husband. Anyway I have "good feelings" about you! This is just a temporary "lull" and "void." I went through a very "long stretch" before I finally met my husband.
OngletNYC, I hear ya. I still have it better than most. Thats only because I saved money my entire career and now I'm living off of it. It will be gone over the next year and there will be nothing left. Then I won't be able to say I have it better than anyone. My plan is to just end my life at that point, if not before. All the education, trying to do the right thing, hard work, self improvement efforts, etc. is just wasted. I've tried to increase my faith in God. It sounds bad because it was out of desperation and brokeness (even though I've always believed). But it doesn't matter. God isn't with me. You're right, it is worse during the holidays. It makes you think about all the people who have abandoned you (for me, my wife, who I adored). I'm more alone now than ever and I just want the pain to stop.
I am sorry you had this experience. I guess both my ex's loved me - at least my second one did until he met someone on the internet he thought he could love more.
Sorry about your negative experiences with "love" in the past. I sure had plenty of yukky experiences too!...Your life sounds wonderful and peaceful! It's the type of life I'd like for myself in the future. I want to get away from big city life and be closer to nature. (With my son and all our cats!) I'd like to have even more animals too! And grow and "can" veggies etc.
OngletNYC, I hear ya. I still have it better than most. Thats only because I saved money my entire career and now I'm living off of it. It will be gone over the next year and there will be nothing left. Then I won't be able to say I have it better than anyone. My plan is to just end my life at that point, if not before. All the education, trying to do the right thing, hard work, self improvement efforts, etc. is just wasted. I've tried to increase my faith in God. It sounds bad because it was out of desperation and brokeness (even though I've always believed). But it doesn't matter. God isn't with me. You're right, it is worse during the holidays. It makes you think about all the people who have abandoned you (for me, my wife, who I adored). I'm more alone now than ever and I just want the pain to stop.
I'm sorry about your pain and disillusionment with life...I go through all kinds of feelings and pain at times because I miss my husband so much and I'm scared about my son's health etc....Life has lost a lot of "luster" and meaning to me and I have to struggle to go on everyday...Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings here. It's not good to feel obligated to put on a "brave front" and "happy face" all the time. It's best to be honest. This is how I feel anyway.
I know this isn't what I am supposed to say, but I totally get it. I look around at my life these days and I think, wtf. I'm a bit of a health nut, but I'm starting to think that my love of fitness will keep me alive too long. I ****ed up, and now my life sucks. Yes, many people have it worse than me so that's why I just keep my mouth shut as I get on with life. I think back on my dramatic teen-aged suicide attempts and wish I'd have been successful - it isn't like I've done anything that matters over the last 25 years. And I sit here and realize, this is it. This. This is what it all comes down to. And it sucks because I really honestly believe there are many positive things about me... that makes it worse. Because even what good I have comes up short. I am hoping I am feeling extra bad because of the holidays.
I hope it's just holiday blues, too. I think there are a lot of positive things about you, Onglet. I've read your posts over time, and you have had a lot of intelligent, valuable things to say.
You're not unloveable! You're a "gem" and a "prize!" This is how I feel about you anyway! I feel lucky that we met here. Your posts have helped me "stay sane" today! Thanks so much! You have a lot going for you! One day you'll meet a man who will love and value and appreciate you!...I know several couples where the woman is much taller than her husband. They don't care! One couple has been happily married for 40 years! I dated guys who were shorter than me when I was younger and it was all fine with me. (And the guys!) How do you feel about it? And you may run into super tall men in the future too. Who knows?....I just wrote another post about how I felt before I met my husband. Anyway I have "good feelings" about you! This is just a temporary "lull" and "void." I went through a very "long stretch" before I finally met my husband.
It's been a really looong lull and void! Really, I didn't attract men even when I was young--never had a date in high school or anything, didn't date until I was 18 and old enough to go to bars and then found out I had a good capacity for alcohol...and men there were actually attracted to me! They were called Alcoholics. I married one. I didn't realize what alcoholism really was at the time--my parents didn't drink, and I was not an addictive type myself. I was just so happy that I was going to have the chance to get married like a normal girl. After the divorce, I dated a bit--did the online thing mostly, and met...more alcoholics. That's really only all that's ever been available to me, and I'd rather be alone than do that again.
By the way, the height requirement isn't mine. My ex is about 6'4" and a mean jerk, so that's what that particular characteristic is worth, lol.
But thank you for the kind words. I enjoyed this thread today. Although I am not happy to see how many people are suffering and feeling alone, the people on this thread are far more interesting than most people I come across in "normal" social situations.
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Then I got smarter.
After the divorce, I dated a bit--did the online thing mostly, and met...more alcoholics. That's really only all that's ever been available to me, and I'd rather be alone than do that again.
