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Actually its pretty interesting. When I was a wee little one with a cushioned life, I was not just interested in survival stories, but felt like I lived in them. I could go into the heads of these people and understand. I could see their world and feel their feelings and understand their pain. I never told anyone but read the entire biography section in my elementry school and it wasn't small in one semester.
I think I was about twelve when I read about reincarnation. It made such perfect sense to me. I could see how maybe I had this connection with something so foreign to me.
I've been told many times that I'm an Old Soul, and next life hope to go into it without the old shadows to clear away.
I've had much the same experiences and I also started believing in reincarnation as soon as I knew about it. It was and is the only explanation that has ever made sense. And now I feel as if this life has been a turning point for me and I'm a completely remade person from the one I started with. Anyway, glad you started this post b/c it's always healing to write.
I'm gay. I was born in a conservative Midwestern city. I learned growing up that being gay is disgusting and immoral. When I was in middle and high school, people would throw things at me on the bus and say nasty things to me, apparently because they could pick up on the fact that I was gay. I was always bullied because most of my friends were female. I hated who I was so very much. And so I learned quickly to act "like a straight guy."
And honestly - it worked. But what I didn't realize is that I was smothering the person who I actually was. I think that person who I used to be eventually just died. Today, if you met me you would probably never think I was gay because I acted the straight/masculine guy role so long it has just become who I am. The problem is that I've become such a passive person, always trying to please people and obtain approval because I feel like overwhelmingly I need to feel accepted. Now I'm the person who doesn't speak up for himself, who doesn't protest when someone cuts in front of him in line, who just accepts things as they are.
I've come out to my friends and family, who thank God accept me for who I am and I am so grateful for that. But I really hate the person I've become now because I don't feel like I'm anyone, and I don't know how to change. I just feel like I was meant for so much more, but I stifled it. It just really sucks
I'm gay. I was born in a conservative Midwestern city. I learned growing up that being gay is disgusting and immoral. When I was in middle and high school, people would throw things at me on the bus and say nasty things to me, apparently because they could pick up on the fact that I was gay. I was always bullied because most of my friends were female. I hated who I was so very much. And so I learned quickly to act "like a straight guy."
And honestly - it worked. But what I didn't realize is that I was smothering the person who I actually was. I think that person who I used to be eventually just died. Today, if you met me you would probably never think I was gay because I acted the straight/masculine guy role so long it has just become who I am. The problem is that I've become such a passive person, always trying to please people and obtain approval because I feel like overwhelmingly I need to feel accepted. Now I'm the person who doesn't speak up for himself, who doesn't protest when someone cuts in front of him in line, who just accepts things as they are.
I've come out to my friends and family, who thank God accept me for who I am and I am so grateful for that. But I really hate the person I've become now because I don't feel like I'm anyone, and I don't know how to change. I just feel like I was meant for so much more, but I stifled it. It just really sucks
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and that others treated you that way, I certainly understand or at least can empathize because I've never had to deal with being gay or known anyone who has. I don't know how to give advice but for me just being able to voice my feelings here at C-D helps a lot. Two things though that you have going for you.....youth and the fact that your friends and family already know and have accepted it. Now you just have to accept yourself, and be who you really are. You don't have to "act" straight anymore, just be yourself. You're so young, and you don't want to get stuck spending your whole life pretending you're someone you're not. So what if you're passive, that's a very nice quality to have.
You just have to surround yourself with like-minded people, who aren't necessarily all gay but people who have no problem with it. It's a cruel world, no doubt, and I'm struggling with life too but there are people who care out there (somewhere?) but I have been looking in all the wrong places so I'm starting over. Maybe you'll get some input from someone who can give you better advice who's been in the same position.....might want to try the relationships forum. Love yourself and hang in there, and I'm going to try to do the same thing.
Thank you very much, and I'm sorry you had such rough times also. I did something today that I've been putting off for months that will probably improve my mental state somewhat, it will take me a couple of weeks probably to get it all straightened out completely but it's a start. After that, I'll be looking into the volunteering thing once a week and your suggestion to go to the library was something I had thought about also so I might do that. I certainly don't expect to make loads of friends and maybe not even one but just being around animals and a few people will make me feel better.
I did take a look at Meetup.com a few days ago and I was surprised that there were a couple of groups that I might actually be interested in. I can't do that now until I'm in a better place mentally, but I have options and ideas so that's something.
I've been letting so many things go for so long that it seems impossible to get it all done, but I'm going to try a little each day. I HAVE to get my house and other affairs in order first, there's just really no excuse for me not to have taken care of things other than the depression has gotten so bad I just didn't care. I still want to throw my hands up and give up, but I can't tolerate the way things are any longer either. I'll have to force myself and eventually maybe I'll want to do it. I accepted help today from a cousin and that was a big step for me. I've done so much for her in the past with no reciprocation but I broke down and let her know how bad I was feeling and she offered to help so I jumped on it. It was embarrassing for her to see my mess and this giant "thing" I can't mention, but I had to have help if it was ever going to get done.
I took her to Burger King and we're done for the day and I really do feel somewhat better, even though my house has been turned completely upside down. But, it's a start and I will be doing the things I said I was going to do whether I feel like it or not. I've got to or something bad is going to happen. So thanks again for your kind post and suggestions, I'm taking everything into consideration that people have suggested instead of blowing it all off like I normally do. Change starts with me.
Actually, you've done a great deal for yourself. You might think you "just" went to Burger King, but that was a big step. You forced yourself to get up and get out. It takes a few steps at a time. Thank God I had my mother to help me out of a bad time. She passed away several years ago.....
Keep on doing what you can. One caution---you will start feeling better once you start on your self-help paln, but, it will reach a plateau and go backwards for awhile. In essence, you will transfer your negative feelings onto your new activities. You will think this new person, or activity, is your problem. Just be aware this will happen, and try to stick it out.
Also, another idea, perhaps join a gym? Be careful about contracts, etc, but it does provide an outlet!
I try not to feel this way, as life is as its been and there are no do overs, but now and then I get mad.
I am disabled officially due to bp2.
I really wanted to feel productive, to DO something. I recognize now that the bp2, always in the depressive side, hampered any attempts. I don't want and will not take meds. Weight gain caused a complication to my ostomy which if I everBut I want something to do.
And I want to let out this anger that I LOST OUT on life. I'm hoping for therapy/counseling. But any thoughts on this? I know I must not be alone. How do others cope with the idea that its too late now, and what's lost will never be?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright
Sounds like I could have written this, except that I'm BP1. Life has been very unkind to me, and it is not getting any better.
sorry to seem stupid but what does bp1 and bp2 mean?
Thank you very much, and I'm sorry you had such rough times also. I did something today that I've been putting off for months that will probably improve my mental state somewhat, it will take me a couple of weeks probably to get it all straightened out completely but it's a start. After that, I'll be looking into the volunteering thing once a week and your suggestion to go to the library was something I had thought about also so I might do that. I certainly don't expect to make loads of friends and maybe not even one but just being around animals and a few people will make me feel better.
I did take a look at Meetup.com a few days ago and I was surprised that there were a couple of groups that I might actually be interested in. I can't do that now until I'm in a better place mentally, but I have options and ideas so that's something.
I've been letting so many things go for so long that it seems impossible to get it all done, but I'm going to try a little each day. I HAVE to get my house and other affairs in order first, there's just really no excuse for me not to have taken care of things other than the depression has gotten so bad I just didn't care. I still want to throw my hands up and give up, but I can't tolerate the way things are any longer either. I'll have to force myself and eventually maybe I'll want to do it. I accepted help today from a cousin and that was a big step for me. I've done so much for her in the past with no reciprocation but I broke down and let her know how bad I was feeling and she offered to help so I jumped on it. It was embarrassing for her to see my mess and this giant "thing" I can't mention, but I had to have help if it was ever going to get done.
I took her to Burger King and we're done for the day and I really do feel somewhat better, even though my house has been turned completely upside down. But, it's a start and I will be doing the things I said I was going to do whether I feel like it or not. I've got to or something bad is going to happen. So thanks again for your kind post and suggestions, I'm taking everything into consideration that people have suggested instead of blowing it all off like I normally do. Change starts with me.
This all sounds good, Ilene. I know when I have a giant mess, which is most of the time, or something that seems so huge that I have to do, the only way I can do it is to break it down into little pieces and do one little piece at a time. Example: I have an old carpet that was here when I bought my condo two years ago. I can't afford new carpet--I'm thinking maybe that's something I can do in five years. I have cats and the carpet has gotten dirty from when they throw up, etc., plus I've spilled stuff myself. My oldest sister gave me a carpet steam vac that she no longer needs, and it's been sitting there for six months. Finally yesterday I did a search on Google to see if I could figure out how to use it, and I found the answer on Yahoo Answers of all places. So I tried it, and I managed to clean a patch of my carpet! A very small patch, mind you, maybe 6' X 8'. It was exhausting. BUT I DID IT. And tomorrow I'll move the table back to the side I cleaned and do the other side! And then I'll move on to another area.
My younger sister does our genealogy, and I have all these ancestors who worked as live-in maids in other people's houses. I have no idea how I come from such stock, since it takes every bit of energy I have to clean my own place.
I do go to the library just to be around other people.
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