My Life Story Sexuality/Religion/Personal Issues/ (depression, addict, Alzheimers)

[TySky]

Thank you for reading this I appreciate it!
Spilling this out has been theraputic for me. I dont have to tell this to people face to face only by internet

I had ADHD -combined type Inattentive&hyperactive. However as I got older
its more inattentive than hyperactive and I also have a mild
mixed receptive/expressive language disorder. I have documentation
that I have this. Plus Ive always had a problem expressing what Im
trying to say but it never comes out right, and it cant be hard to
describe how Im feeling because sometimes I dont know how to describe
it. I also forget my thoughts even more now even though Im 22, it
feels like my memory is getting bad however I remember some of the
major situations that happened which are down below. So it gets very
frustrating that is also a reason why I get anxiety talking to people.

I'm a guy who like guys romantically/physical attraction(sexually
aroused) and I dont like girls (romantically/sexually) however I would
definitely be friends with them. I grew up in a devout jehovahs
witness family and it was hard, not
doing what other people in school could do. I couldnt celebrate
holidays, couldnt see rated R movies, no
participation in school activities like prom homecoming, clubs or
sports, and could really only be friends with people who were jehovahs
witness. I wonder is there a reason why I dont really care that I didnt fit in
with being at a bday party or christmas party at school? At the time
it sucked but I got over it. How come it still sucks, but mostly at
the same time I really dont care and have no emotion of it at all. I
guess the fact that it happened every year I got use to it.
When I was younger Ive been told a birthday is a day when you were
born and you celebrate it every year because its the day you are on
this earth meaning its a special day, since I didnt celebrate it I
felt I wasnt special at all.

When I was younger when trying to make friends to a jehovahs witness
(JW) I would either fade out with them or felt left out and didnt hang
out with them. The only rebellious thing Ive done in school was
joining the Black History Committee to do a annual play for BHM (black
history month) and me visiting gay porn sites and self pleasure.

Thats pretty much it other than that I did whatever my parents told
me to do. My older sister on the other was VERY rebellious having sex
boyfriends, fighting in school,running away from home one time and was
out for a month or 2 living with someone else. My sister was always
opposite from me she was more extroverted and Im introverted. She had alot of friends and
associates, and I didnt have any friends really!

In October 2008 I remember I came home from school and I saw my room
door without not attached it was gone. I saw my mom in my room and my
dad was in the living room and said that my mom is upset she found the
pictures ive printed out of guys who were nude and saw my diaries long
story short instead of throwing them away they made me go to the fire
place and burn them including my journals about my feelings and
watching them burn and turn to ashes.

You have to understand since I was by myself I couldnt attend the GSA
Gay Straight Alliance at school and since at home I couldnt watch LOGO
which is a network for Gays and Lesbians and watching shows being
entertained and learn from them too. Instead of that I had saw a gay
porn pictures and so I went on to the site. Nowadays Im on porn every
single day and I feel like I may have an addiction to it now. Sorry to
be so graphic but when I pleasure myself and add a friend on a xtube I
feel guilty and wish that I havent done that. Even though Im a virgin
and have kind of a addiction to porn I'm honestly a little scared of
sex and have anxiety. Because I would think that why would a guy want
to be with me? I get really nervous around guys, so its going to be a
challenge to me to find love. I want to be in a relationship but Im terrified of them at the same time.
Why is it when I pleasure myself to a person
that I kind of have feelings for goes away after I pleasured myself? I dont
like it or if Im dirty talking to a person on computer or add them as
a friend why do I feel different guilty and regretful after I
pleasure myself?

I came out to my parents 2009 and 2010, they didnt take it well even
though they said they knew. My mom told me that she loved me but never
will accept me and said that I need to have thicker skin. Also pretty
much not to tell anyone and not be open about it. I though about
committing suicide that night to be honest with you. That was in April
of 2010 and I came out to my dad in February 2009 he told me that I
would be destroyed when Armageddon comes and he was pretty mad when I
told him. Yet when I came out to him that I was bisexual in December
of 2008 he was crying a little bit but after that we played video
games after I told him.

In 2011, Ive notice that I became less interested in everything, and
I love movies and interested in Acting and Filming and notice that I
was feeling very emotionless, like I felt like a robot, I didnt feel
anything, just felt so empty, not really sad but empty. But the
feeling of emptiness Ive been feeling that for a very long time. I was
thinking about suicide when I came out to my mom in 2010. I always feel tired,
sometimes I would have 5 hours of sleep and would be awake, but
sometimes I could be sleeping for 9 to 10 hours and still be tired. I
do toss and turn from time to time every night but not through the
whole entire night. Also me wanting to leave SO badly I would actually
by plane tickets to leave for LA but never did so I also wasted money
in the process. I actually planned on living in a homeless shelter for
LGBT youth while going to school. Ive did this 2 or 3 times (buying
plane tickets) in
2011.

I know that Ive already came out to my parents and I know that I like
guys, and when it comes to other people who are gay Im accepting but
whats weird about it if I see gay men I feel uncomfortable and I dont
like feeling that way I want to be comfortable around my people.

Ive always had low self confidence and low self esteem and negative
thinking to myself even though I can be up beat and want to tell
people to think positive thoughts when theyre down. I felt like a
hypocrite. I looked up the symptoms I was feeling and it lead me to
depression. But they say depression comes in different ways so I
thought I had it but I dont know.
I told my dad that I will stay but my motives were to save money and
get help. I went to my behavioral doctor and on my sheet it just say
Unspecified Depression (Chronic) . He prescribed me antidepressant
Bupropion (Wellbutrin) for depression symptoms and ADD. Which Im still
currently on.

Now being a jehovah witness Im not really feeling the religion plus
discovering lies that they've made but with me being a JW and with
having trouble making friends outside the church and in church, I just
stayed in my room and was in my own secluded world. So Ive been
isolated and I get nervous around people mostly because with my
receptive/expressive language disorder it makes me sound dumb and
stupid because it would be difficult to explain and articulate, and
having to experience this its embarrassing and it makes me not want to
be around people. Yet I really want to be with people because I want
friends I dont really have a best friend and I want that.

Since time has moved on I still get nervous but not really around women, but with guys I am a nervous wreck esp people around my age. Im a cashier
so I have to say hi to people but I still get even nervous. Even if a
guy is straight I still get nervous, plus I work next to a gym and you
would think it would help me being exposed to athletic men but it
doesnt. Not to mention I do have anxiety in my life time that I can
remember Ive had 2 panic attacks. My first one was at the age of 12 and the last
one was recently in September 2012.

I was at work and I ran to the phone to get the phone call, and then
after the phone call out of nowhere. My breathy became unregular and
my chest started to hurt a little bit, so I just went about my own
business because I didnt want to make a big deal out of it, then I
would say 10 min my chest started to hurt even more and I started to
feel very lightheaded like I was going to fant. at the time I was
wondering if something was wrong with my heart, so I went to my
manager and she said Ill call 911 and I said no because I dont want it
to be a big deal and just let me go to the doctor. To be honest I was
scared of going to the hospital, I dont like hospitals! but then they
said it could be something serious so they called an ambulance for me. My manager told me to go to the back and sit down at this point my chest was still hurting a little bit, but my breathing was still heavy and had heart palpitations and then my body started to get tingly and then on it
went numb I couldnt move, however my chest pain had subsided but the
numbing was intense. The paremedics came and basically told me to calm
down and slow my breathing, I think they knew I was having a panic
attack but they still took me to the hospital. At the hospital they
done xray and a heart scan and the doctor said that everything was
fine but go to the regular doctors and they let me go. That night I
looked up the symptoms I had and it was saying that those symptoms
where a panic attack. But this panic attack had came out of nowhere.


I went back to my behavioral doctor and told him what has happened to
me since my last visit I told him about the anxiety attack and so he
prescribed me Seteraline (Zoloft) but he said we have to watch it
because he doesnt want to prescribe me more medications for my safety.
Ive been taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin and I think its working for the
depression symptoms, however the Wellbutrin is not working for the
ADD. I want to tell my doctor about the Zoloft, it has to be working
because Im more talkative to customers at my job as a cashier, but Ive
been experiencing the side effects for sometime and Ive been on Zoloft
for 3 months and still experiencing nausea, upset stomach and
diarretha and it takes FOREVER to have an orgasm.


When I told my employee about my anxiety attack and she said that I
was shy, she also said that Im the type of person that always thinks
that something is wrong with me, which kind of p***** me off because
she doesnt know what im going through. She also said that I would like
to have all the attention! Thats what is so weird to me, I wish I was
that person that could dance or be extremely talented and have people
looking at me and cheering me, but yet I cant stand in front of people
on stage at church for a reading I HAD to do, Ive done that before it
was a nightmare. Speaking of getting nervous I just know for a fact that I would have anxiety/nervousness in a gym.

I didnt harm myself ever, but one time when I was about 13 or 14 I
remember I went into my parents room went underneath there bed and saw
a bat and I wanted to hit myself with it, I also remember in that
house my room was in the back of the house and behind fence behind the
fence were trees and bushes and it was deep hill and sometimes I had
thoughts never attempted but had thoughts to just jump into the bushes
trees and thorns.


However I have a problem of scalp picking, Ive been doing this since
like the age of 11 or 12 I cant stand the site of dandruff it looks
nasty and I dont want in my head. So I would always scratch my scalp
to see if I have any. I also do it when ever Im nervous or stressed
because I would pick in my head when taking a test or doing homework.
It feels good time to time but I scratch it sometimes when it hurts a
little. I try to stop but its hard!


I dont know if Im totally a hypochondriac because my dad has type 2
Diabetes and had it for years now, but Im not living at the gym and
eating all healthy foods and checking symptoms that is wrong with me,
the only thing Ive done drastic which was stop drinking sodas and its
been 2 1/2 years since I had a Sprite and other soft drinks. Ive been
drinking milk water and lemonade and apple juice. Other than that I
dont worry about the diabetes even though I do need to start eating a
little healthier and exercise more. Plus a hypochondriac always goes
to hospitals to see whats wrong with them and I hate hospitals and I
hate/scared of blood, so in a way I dont think Im a complete
hypochondriac.

I have short term memory and its bad but I dont think have Dementia or
Alzheimers, I sneeze and I dont look to see on the internet if I have
the Flu or like HIV/AIDS or cancer etc...

However idk but I think Im weird at times, sometimes when I think of a
situation in a movie or a song I cry a little bit and then
after like 2 min pass Im like fine, I still get irritable. Or
sometimes I would lay down and have tears coming down for no reason.

When someone in my family is sick I get so annoyed
if they keep coughing or sniffing and other times it doesnt bother me.
When I look at my parents sometimes I just want to hit them in the
face but deep down I know that I love them. If they died (knock on
wood) I would be sad! Or I said I like to have friends but sometimes
when my employees want to hang out, I really dont feel like it, and Id
rather be in bed and just watch TV, yet I want to go out with people
and have friends at the same time. Or sometimes I would get so excited
and then going back to feel calm again. : ) : (

Also to be honest I really think about death a lot now and this is
just me! I even remember when I was 10 I wrote on a picture of mine
1991-2001. My dad saw it and he asked me and I really dont know why I
did it But I just have a feeling Im not going to live long I know its
odd but I feel like Im going to die soon once everything good starts
to happen to me since pretty much my life sucked. Im not scared of
death itself we're are all going to face it one day. Is it messed up
for me to say that if I was given an option to live forever or die. I
would rather die than live forever, I dont want to live forever.

For me I think no one understands me because I dont understand myself
because Ive always done what other people say (esp my parents) always
tell me what to do all the time and sometimes what to think like
saying I suggest you..... or "I would if I were
you". I even looked on google to search "How to find yourself"? I dont
even know what kind of true personality I have.

Plus some people would say Im fine for some reason but for one thing
they havent walked in my shoes and what Ive experienced.

Also Its just I feel like Im not aware of anything or like I don't
feel fully conscious or present in my surroundings. All the time and
Im on a antidepressant and Ive felt like this before I was on an
antidepressant. I dont like feeling this way. Like Im gay but
sometimes I dont have that complete feeling as a gay guy, I think its
because Im still living here in my parents house secluded and not
having a life.

I do plan on moving out by early next year but its going to be
challenging in finding a roommate when I dont have friends and I kind
of want to know people before I move in.

Also I know this is quite strange but I honestly feel like I should be
p***** off at my parents in the past. To the point that I shouldnt be
talking to my parents but I just cant remember. I only remember the
big details like how I explained above.

I also remember my dad and I were arguing but he was mostly doing the
yelling but when I tried to say something that wasnt disrespectful I
remembered he hit me. Also I remember him asking me if I
wanted to be a girl and I said No. But that is all the stuff I can
remember. I think i should be mad but me never expressing myself I
would always just forget about it and ignore it and eventually it goes
away.

Somethings have come up though, even though I dont believe in the
jehovah witness religion, every time when someone says Jehovah or
Jehovahs Witness, my heart would beat fast or my stomach would have
that dropping feeling. IDK I think I might be fearful subconciously.

I dont think Im repressed because I havent been raped or sexually molested.

I feel messed up in a sense because Im writing this right now and my
story and what happened, and my experiences are messed up, yet I feel
as though Im calm and have a nonchalant attitude right now.

I turned 22 3 months ago and it was my birthday and again Im
not celebrating it and facebook made me feel down because a lot of people didnt replied happy birthday and even though most people dont know that I
was raised jehovahs witness. Its kind of depressing for me that I would
wish the friends that I have on facebook a happy birthday but I dont get
the return.

I just have a feeling that Im going to have a mental breakdown when I move out of this house. Me being extremely sheltered in my life and not ready
for the world but eventually im going to have to dive in the pool.
However recently I remember just going to the bathroom and just
started to cryi because im going to be moving out and being scared and
anxcious.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My personality
I dont know how to describe my personality its very mix and I feel
like its very complex, I feel like I have another personalities in me!
One part of me who I would explain myself i
Tylers personality
is very nice and kind helpful to the best of my abilities and with
that also I get shy and have social anxiety! Loyal and very friendly
but insecure! Try to be positive and be happy and I smile a lot
(people like my smile I get complements) Obedient and a little bit of
a follower and feels disconnected with in life and I feel absent
minded, even though I have ADD.

Personality #2
Another part of me is what I call crazy but I just imagine stuff I
feel mentally unstable for example
When I watch Harry Potter I pretend that Im really there and fight
against the death eaters or would pretend that I had supernatural
powers when watching the X-Men or
Harry Potter! lol It seems funny as I write this but its true I do it
and I think its weird.
I would pretend that I am in a relationship with certain celebrities
but then snap out of it and back to the real world
A little aggressive (not violent) but tell it like it is attitude,
very blunt and a little jealous, but never show it, and a little
obsessive.
Plus I would pretend and imagine scenerios that could happen to me or
if that would happen to me how would I feel or another person! Drugs,
death, suicide, Now with that I write them down and may can write a
story about characters I think in my head.

Personality #3
Another personality of me is apathetic, gloomy, regretful and a little
cold hearted, like when my dad asked if I will take care of him when
he gets old, and I didnt say anything, I really don't want to, I
prefer him and my mom to live in a small 1 story house in a gated
community for seniors, that way my parents can still be independent
but looked after as well. So that they are really not alone, and I
visit them if I feel like it!



Before I got on the antidepressant I was experiencing these
Mentally:
Apathy just felt SOOO empty
Low Confidence
Low Self Esteem
Ive lost my interest Im really into Movies and kind of into acting but
started to become less interested in
Worthless
Helpless
Negative Thinking
Isolated
Brain Fog
Thinking of death all the time and wondering kind of obsessed where do
we go when we die
Thoughts of committing suicide after I came out to my parents in April 2010
Tired all the time I would still be tired if I have 10 hours of sleep
Unaware of my surroundings/in my own bubble
Self Image issues

Physically:
Experience back pains time to time
Eating was off schedule Sometimes I wont eat most of the day and then
would just sort of binge
Lack of energy
Tired all the time
Worried of my weight I use to weigh 210lbs at age 14 now Im 22
weighing 158 I was 148 before

CURRENTLY: I mean I do have some positive things around me such as going to
school now and having a job. BUT Im still in a slump

Even though Im on an antidepressant mentally I still have low self esteem and confidence and feel emptiness and apathy, a little brain fog, self
images issues, irritable and still have anxiety at times. I do have
say I was feeling very irritable to the point I wanted to cry. My
sister and my niece are staying here for a little bit but they dont
even flush the toilet and clean behind themselves in the bathroom. I
dont understand it, at this point I really want to lock the bathroom
door so no one will go in the bathroom. I just want to clean it up and
no one can go in but me because I want it to keep it clean. Im not
even a neat freak but at least I pick up after myself.
Also sometimes I have thoughts like "What is the point of living if
we are going to die anyway?", and "What is the point of life?" "What
is my purpose on this
earth?" Yet at work I can smile in your face and be "happy" all the
time, yet you wouldnt know how I really feel. Still feel lonely
isolated and still no real friends.
I dont love myself and I dont know how to love myself

I know this is weird too but sometimes often I feel like Even though I have ADD sometimes most of the time I feel like I dont have an emotion at times!It can be difficult to describe how I feel. With the religion and experience I just tend to forget about them. Sometimes I think that really my raw emotions is really in my subconscious mind and is blocked by my feeling of emptiness/numbness, plus having a short term memory assist with it too.

Physically: I have bad innsomia and tired all of the time
Thought of loosing my weight would help with my self esteem intensely
but just only a little bit, but overall its still low meaning I have
other deeper issues that I have because of a person who lost this much
weight would be happy and Im not. Mostly I still feel the same.


How can I get over these issues I'm having? I just dont feel healthy like a regular physically/mentally healthy person.

[purehuman]

TySky...I'm sorry you're going through such turmoil in your still young life..It must be very difficult having religious parents who won't accept who you are. You sound like a very kind person...I think if there is any way at all that you could get a place of your own you should. I think you are daily experiencing the negativity from your family who refuse to see who you really are. I don't think you are a bad person in any way..just a person who seeks some peace in their life...I hope you can find it TySky, everyone deserves to be happy.