Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I tried posting on a suicide forum. I signed up, confirmed the email link, and my account didn't even get accepted, I assume, since I couldn't log in after a week. I posted on the SuicideWatch subreddit, and I got no replies.
This all might sound stupid, but I've come to a realization over the past month or two that has pieced itself together. Bad timing, because I'm trying to get the basic components of my life together right now, and with these thoughts roaming around in my head, of course I get distracted. Because I have to analyze them, and let them sink in. This realization stems from a part of myself that is purely metaphysical and cannot change. This realization could lead to putting myself in danger.
I do NOT have a strict suicide plan in place right now. It is not meticulous. Nor will I likely act out on impulse when in a very depressive phase. I do have a huge dilemma here and very negative feelings about it, and if I come to a conclusion that I just cannot get to a point where I never am confident enough in myself (which is probably the biggest contributor to my success) and feel like I just don't want anything to do with life anymore because of my certainty that this dilemma is impairing me enough to reach my goals, I'm done. I may very well end my life. You could say "Oh, you can just search for new goals!" Well, that's not ****ing easy when your feelings are attached to your goals that were spawned by themselves, your feelings. I can't change my feelings. I've tried, but they always persist, or pop back up. Therefore, my goals persist, no matter how much I suppress them. In that case, a part of me will always feel empty. That probably equals: unhappiness, dissatisfaction, confusion, not feeling like I am remaining true to myself or who I want to be, frustration, 'faking it' and forcing myself to put on a mask and suit that does not manifest authentically, which in itself, leads to being unable to fullfill the goals I could give a rats ass about, etc. Some life that would be, huh. Oh it's cool, I'll just associate myself with other **** just for the sake of living, even though I'm not associating myself with what I WANT TO BE DOING IN THE LONG RUN and I KNOW I'M UNABLE TO!!! That sure works for an existentialist! The list goes on. (short version: feelings ****ing suck, dude!)
(long version) The dilemma: Asperger's Syndrome, or mild Autism Spectrum Disorder as it is called now. I was diagnosed with this when I was five years old due to multiple sensory, emotional, and behavioral issues I was experiencing which ultimately made me somewhat dysfunctional, enough to be placed into special education. Then, after several mood fluctuations, fond childhood memories, a ****ed up situation where my father became a deadbeat and got addicted to pills while abusing myself and my family, homelessness, living with a stranger in his home for 3 years, missing school for those three years because of all of that bull****, and post-bull**** failing to catch up on schoolwork whilst battling depression, anxiety, near-agoraphobia and paranoia, while graduating this past summer feeling like I accomplished nothing, I started reflecting on my past. During this period of say, 6 or 7 years, I observed a lot of social patterns (mainly via the internet) with (I think) mostly unconscious effort. I became consciously aware of the fact that I did have a personality, and I should manipulate it as best as I should. I don't remember ever having to consciously train myself to notice or pay attention to facial expressions, body language, or gestures - one day, I think it just clicked. Long story short, I feel like recognizing social patterns have come naturally, in ways that an "aspie" may have trouble with. I mentioned that I was dXed with it a couple of times but was unsure, and people (that actually knew about it) didn't think I exhibited an Aspie flair. One person, who knew many "aspies" personally was so confident I didn't have it, he seemed to think I was utterly crazy for even thinking I did. So this boosted my confidence in favor of me maybe not being a ****ing "aspie" after all. Maybe my ****ed up childhood behavior was due to a combination of emotional distress, anxiety, strong ADHD, or even OCD?
At this point I've decided to consult multiple psychiatrists and psychologists, even get an MRI, do anything I can to determine that I certainly do not have this disorder. (I haven't yet.) I started gathering information, talking about past childhood symptoms with my mother, even asking my school district for past reports from my childhood. The more information I got the less hope I had. More and more symptoms were in line with or somehow linked to AS, as mild as they were, and other disorders I had co-morbid like ADHD, anxiety, and possibly others might not be able to explain a couple of these. Oh yeah, I also learned that my original diagnosis, as a child, came from THE ****ING DUDE WHO FOUNDED THE CENTER FOR AUTISM way back in the 1950s. I guess there's always room for error, but that shortens my odds by a pretty good margin!
Then I started getting really disturbing thoughts, getting more severe the more I found out. Depression amped up. Couldn't concentrate on anything but this problem and my feelings. Soon I started imagining all of the different ways I would commit suicide. In front of people, family. Blowing myself up. Running myself in front of a car. Whatever. I even went around in my head when depressed thinking in words "I'm definitely thinking about committing suicide" here and there. I can't look at myself in the mirror without flipping myself off, or verbalizing self sabotaging thoughts. "You're a worthless ******! You got nothing, might as well kill yourself now! You're ugly, no desirable girl would want you!" You name it.
The main reasons why I'm considering killing myself, if I turn out to be autistic, are: as a PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) this is my brain. I can't fix, or cure my brain. I can't cure a part of myself. Furthermore, I have to cope with my brain, a part of myself. Do you realize how ****ing depressing that sounds? There's a good chance my brain will end up causing most, if not, ALL of my problems in life, and I don't want to know that a genetic part of my body, something out of my control, is the root of them all. Another big reason is an abstract impression I have gotten of Autism in general, from numerous observations IRL and on the internet, converted into perceptions and standards, a feeling, something intangible that I cannot shake no matter how much more insight I acquire on the phenomena. If I'm autistic, I become a part of this complex perception I have of autism, and those standards will hold true to me, to an extent. And that will take a huge toll on my self esteem, confidence, and myself. As I said before, confidence and healthy self esteem will play a big role in achievement of my goals and overall success in life. Goals are very important to me. One of these goals is very subjectively focused on the external world, to the point where it is out of my total control of the outcome. This particular goal is stereotypically near-impossible for the average "aspie" to accomplish, and empirically, I'd guess it's a hellhole for them to achieve as well. Other goals require social skills to an extent as well. I REHASH: As an existentialist, if I cannot achieve my goals, there is no ****ing point to my life at all. Combined with the other two reasons, and experiencing more problems in life to which I am sure my autism is causing, I just cannot go on. I know that will heighten my anxiety and depressive symptoms, and I can't live most of my life dealing with that, without the positive desirable components in my life/in myself.
I mean, I can still function, sorta. I can even distract myself from this with certain things. But it's undoubtedly the theme of my life right now. I can't shake this until I've determined I'm autistic or not. This is also really interfering with certain small goals I am trying to accomplish at the moment which are crucial and possibly hit-or-miss.
So, is this intense? Like the title suggests, I want to know if this is something to actually take seriously, even though I could be just entertaining all of this. Could it be a sign of major clinical depression, OCD, or other ****?
we are not doctors here
call suicide prevention hot line if these thoughts keep coming
get on meds if need be get into a therapy group and quit letting your mind cripple you
I am an insect survivor
also come out of domestic violence, alcoholism and drug abuse
trust me I have been suicidal before
I got sober and clean went to lots of meetings worked the steps with a sponsor and stayed in therapy
today I am sober 15 years and my life is good I have more than just coping skills I have a way of life that helps me face life on life's terms I am no longer a victim am relationship free by choice have 2 small businesses and do not get insane thoughts of self destruction any more
there is always help if we are willing
take it one step towards the solution one day at a time!!
we are not doctors here
call suicide prevention hot line if these thoughts keep coming
get on meds if need be get into a therapy group and quit letting your mind cripple you
I am an insect survivor
also come out of domestic violence, alcoholism and drug abuse
trust me I have been suicidal before
I got sober and clean went to lots of meetings worked the steps with a sponsor and stayed in therapy
today I am sober 15 years and my life is good I have more than just coping skills I have a way of life that helps me face life on life's terms I am no longer a victim am relationship free by choice have 2 small businesses and do not get insane thoughts of self destruction any more
there is always help if we are willing
take it one step towards the solution one day at a time!!
I was in a psych hospital about two months ago for about a week. Felt slightly worse coming back home. Therapy doesn't help, since pretty much have nothing to talk about but the same thing over and over again which keeps giving leverage to the cycle.
Call a suicide hotline ASAP. Start shopping around for a therapist. You are obsessing about suicide and that's not healthy - you need to train your brain to stop doing that.
Um, what's the big deal if you're mildly autistic? There are tons of Aspies on these boards, and I know a lot of Aspies who are amazingly gifted people. I'm severely ADD, and like many Aspies, I have found that there are certain strengths that come with my disorder. My career success stems from it, to a certain degree. If you ARE an Aspie, you might as well embrace it and learn how it can be a strength.
Frankly, given your troubled childhood, I think that your experiences then are really what's driving your current issues and you're focusing on the autism as a distraction. But that's just an armchair psychologist's view.
Call the hotline now. The rest you can address later.
Call a suicide hotline ASAP. Start shopping around for a therapist. You are obsessing about suicide and that's not healthy - you need to train your brain to stop doing that.
I'm sorry if I'm nitpicking, but I don't think I'm totally obsessing over suicide? I hinted at it as an alternative possibility if things get really ugly, and simulate often, but I wouldn't say I am obsessing over it just yet. I can alternate my thoughts between reality and a maladaptive fantasy world (the avoidant coping mechanism).
I've seen two therapists within the past three years, including the new one I just started seeing. Like I stated above, since I am often too anxious to get out of my own home if I'm not shopping for food, I have no life experiences or flexibility in my life which equals nothing new to talk about, just rinse and repeat and remastered. It's never really gone anywhere. I've also had some atypical beliefs about classic therapy but I'll save that for another time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Um, what's the big deal if you're mildly autistic? There are tons of Aspies on these boards, and I know a lot of Aspies who are amazingly gifted people. I'm severely ADD, and like many Aspies, I have found that there are certain strengths that come with my disorder. My career success stems from it, to a certain degree. If you ARE an Aspie, you might as well embrace it and learn how it can be a strength.
I'm not sure if Asperger's/Autism/PDD's can actually be a viable set of strengths to compensate for the weaknesses that the media obsesses about. While it's true that they can be overconnected to the cortex which can lead them to develop exceptional talents, their social defecits can lead them to be clueless on how to utilize their talents and interests in many areas of society. Social/interaction skills are very important in a lot of areas when it comes to navigating life and society - promoting, IRL social networking, to name a couple. They can be used to create opportunities. The social deficits can make it much, much harder to integrate into society. They can definitely learn, but it seems like it would be a very mentally exhausting process for most Aspies (which could lead to other problems). I'm not totally sure, but as a general rule, it doesn't sound like it would be worth it. For me at least.
I'm not speaking for every person with AS because every person with AS is different, with different goals and ideals - and I'm sure some have reached them. But some of mine are atypical for the innate Aspie to accomplish. It's like I'm raising the bar too high for my potential circumstances. There is fear that I might not reach them, and if it's because of AS, that's going to make me feel very empty for a good chunk of my life. Living and seeing people who have accomplished them will fuel my inferiority complex further. I don't want to just settle for something. I don't want to become the next Bill Gates and invent something that will paradoxically make human society even lazier. I just want to live the way I want to live, in the end.
Summarize a big picture of other people's personal experiences with living with AS here: Aspergers
Sounds quite somber.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Frankly, given your troubled childhood, I think that your experiences then are really what's driving your current issues and you're focusing on the autism as a distraction.
Unless you mean the traumatic situation I dealt with thanks to having a deadbeat dad, if that's the case then why shouldn't I try and figure out if Autism or something else has caused all of this? Wouldn't that be a big step towards solving the problem? It only makes logical sense.
You need immediate medical intervention, as has been advised.
Long term, I would recommend CBT to learn more positive methods of thinking. Narrative Therapy would probably help you, as would EFT (to work on the negative feelings).
Good luck to you.
In the meantime, get help and when the negative thoughts arise, change the channel. Think of good things, go for a walk - just break the chain of negative thinking in whatever ways works for you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
