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Post your humorous military life anecdoes. In the Navy they called them sea stories. Here's one.
High seas.
Invariably, if you served aboard ship, you hit high seas. No getting around that. Sometimes you get advance warning and you secure for sea. How do you secure for sea? You're already at sea. Well, you strap down anything that can topple over or fall. If you are in the galley (kitchen), there's the plates, cups, bowls. In your workspace, there may be a TV, VCR, etc. Everything on your desk. One thing I could never understand - here we are on a ship, and almost all of the chairs have wheels. It's funny watching them roll across the room and smash into everyone and everything when the ship goes rocking - so a piece of string / line ties it to the desk.
If the seas get so high that it's not safe to walk about, the Commanding Officer / Captain will announce that all unnecessary personnel lay below to their rack (bunk bed). That's right, if you're not on duty / watch, go to bed. And since all of the plates and cups and bowls are tied up, it's paper plates and plastic forks for meals.
You can tell the new guys walking around because they'll have a trash bag hanging out of their back pocket, to catch their "cookies" when they toss them. The old salts will seek them out with their cigars and tins of smoked oysters to get them to toss early. Sometimes all you have to do is stand in front of them and sway with the ship. The color turns to green and the cookies get tossed.
You also learn the aviation terms pitch, roll, and yaw, which perfectly describe the motion of the ship in heavy seas. We used to tape a piece of paper on a file cabinet and straighten out a paper clip and hang it so it can swing and then mark hash marks to measure the roll. A 90 degree roll means you've just rolled over on your side (a bad thing) and you've capsized (a very bad thing). I've been in > 20 degree rolls and you hope and pray that the roll stops. During World War II, in Nimitz' Task Force, ships were ordered a Fleet course in order to get the hundreds of ships to a battle / beach landing at the same time. Back then there were no forecasting of typhoons (western Pacific) and one caught the group unawares. Ships followed Fleet course and to their detriment many were lost: 3 destroyers capsized and went down with almost all hands, 790 lost their lives.
Drug burnout named Pauly was magically qualified engine room lower level watch. While at sea, he was missing from his watch station. We searched the berthing, the heads, the escape trunks, and we were on the verge of calling man overboard when I looked into the bilge and saw his head come out from behind the main condensor sea water overboard discharge pipe. I looked at him and asked, "Pauly?". First words out his mouth, "I wasn't beat*** off".
Hitting rough seas. Most had sense enough to know how to handle chow, but some had to learn the hard way even after being told several times. Young guy gets his tray of food and glass, puts his tray down at the table, then walks away with the glass for his drink. Ship takes a roll and without saying a word to each other, all of us at the table quietly lift our trays to allow his to slid and hit the deck. Then we put our trays back down and continue eating.
Navy Nuke school. Nuke ET wanted to go to sick call for a headache. Officer asked why he has a headache and he says he was sniffing freon. Officer asked why was he sniffing freon and he said, "well, I'm too young to drink and it's illegal to do drugs so I had to do something to catch a buzz". Well, as the officer began reading him his rights, the ET said, "but sir, I wasn't the only one!" Total of 15 enlisted potential nuclear sailors were all discharged for illegal use of a controlled substance.
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don't know if I should relate this one. Ship pulled into Subic Bay. CO said I must attend his party ashore before I checked out on leave. So showed up at his party with this Philippine lady with me. Most of the other attendees also had their Philippine ladies with them. After a few comments I introduced them to my wife. After that things were quite sticky for me for rest of my tour. Guess they were afraid my wife would talk to their wives.
Navy Nuke school. Nuke ET wanted to go to sick call for a headache. Officer asked why he has a headache and he says he was sniffing freon. Officer asked why was he sniffing freon and he said, "well, I'm too young to drink and it's illegal to do drugs so I had to do something to catch a buzz". Well, as the officer began reading him his rights, the ET said, "but sir, I wasn't the only one!" Total of 15 enlisted potential nuclear sailors were all discharged for illegal use of a controlled substance.
When I joined in the late 70s, early 80s, drugs were rampant, until the hammer came. That's the nickname of the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO) at the time, Thomas B. Hayword. Mandatory drug testing cleaned house. Here's an article of what went down:
When I joined in the late 70s, early 80s, drugs were rampant, until the hammer came. That's the nickname of the Chief of Naval Operations (CNO) at the time, Thomas B. Hayword. Mandatory drug testing cleaned house. Here's an article of what went down:
A new Ensign just being aboard our ship told the quarter deck watch to be sure to tighten up the lines on a camel tied to the outboard side of the ship when the tide comes in.A true story
World War Two..... Two Canadian Corvettes, both arriving in London Derry, Ireland.
Entrance to the harbour has a boom vessel that opens and closes the anti submarine net.
Canadian ship number one, slows down to allow boom vessel to open sub net. Ship number two doesn't slow down and hits number one in the stern, causing serious damage.
Signal from number one to number two, by loud hailer......
If you touch me there again, you will have to marry me.
Yes, that really happened, July 1942. Recorded in log of ship number one. HMCS Kitchener. K 176.
Drone aircraft, pulling a target, for training of air gunners, over Lake Ontario, summer of 1943.
After a couple of rounds went through his tail, the pilot radioed this message.
Boys, I 'm pulling this thing , not pushing it !!!!
September 9th , of 1939, day after the war is declared. Recruiting office of the 48th Highlanders of Canada ( My Old Regiment, by the way ) in Toronto..
A man comes in and wants to join up. The Sgt Major says, "you look a bit old for active service, what year were you born ? 1895 he says. That makes you 44 years old . Are you sure that you are ONLY Forty four ?????
Well I did serve in the first world war, after all. Turns out that he was actually a veteran of the Boer War, in South Africa in 1898 and the First World War , as well. . On that day he was actually over 70. He had died his hair with Kiwi black shoe polish, which began to drip down his face, in the heat of the office. He was thanked and told he could help out in the office, but he wasn't going overseas.
Final one. At a Regimental dance, the Regimental Sgt Major is approached by a middle aged woman, who has had " A few too many to drink " . She asks the RSM, who is a tall and imposing Scot..... Just what is worn under the kilt ? After a few seconds of thought, the RSM say " Lassie, there is nought worn under my kilt.... its all in fine working condition ".
The alternate answer, as I was taught as a young soldier in a Highland Regiment is " hose tops , socks and boots ".
Jim B
Toronto.
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