Being Quiet/Reserved in Minnesota (Duluth: new home, college, place to live)

[Dr.drew]

People can be friendly and talkative, but Minnesotans, especially in rural areas can be really nosy.

[Glenfield]

Originally Posted by Cleverfield

I am not the type of person who likes to make chit-chat, go around saying hi to everyone, smiling all the time. If I am not too busy or have something interesting or important to talk about, I'll talk, and I can actually be in a pretty lighthearted mood when I don't have a lot of things going on to worry about. But much of the time, I like keeping to myself. I've noticed that people don't really respond to that well here. On multiple occasions I've gotten the cold shoulder from people. I feel badly, because I feel like I've offended them somehow, but it truly isn't that I dislike them, I just am a somewhat private person. Is it possible to not be overly friendly, without being a social outcast here?

Ok, I think I see the disconnect here. Generally, Minnesotans are very private and reserved people. We do not like to share our feelings, and sure don't want to hear about someone else's. But we are pleasant, amiable people. That means we do like to chat about the weather, sports, etc., just nothing personal. By avoiding the chit chat, it is likely that you are seen as unfriendly. We don't like unfriendliness. It makes us even more uncomfortable than sharing our feelings.

So my recommendation to you is to learn to make some idle conversation, and you will be allowed to keep your feelings to yourself.

[slamont61]

I'm a transplant. I've seen big city and country living previously and now rural MN. I find the people here in rural towns to be quite friendly. Most want to talk, small or in detail and seem genuine.

It would be in your best interest to at least make an attempt for even small talk. Otherwise you may come off as snobbish or anti social. The grape-vine network around here is pretty aggressive, so a reputation as such could spread to even those you haven't personally come across. Can't at least comment on the weather??

[Dr.drew]

People are friendly for the most part.

[supreme21]

Originally Posted by Glenfield

Ok, I think I see the disconnect here. Generally, Minnesotans are very private and reserved people. We do not like to share our feelings, and sure don't want to hear about someone else's. But we are pleasant, amiable people. That means we do like to chat about the weather, sports, etc., just nothing personal. By avoiding the chit chat, it is likely that you are seen as unfriendly. We don't like unfriendliness. It makes us even more uncomfortable than sharing our feelings.

So my recommendation to you is to learn to make some idle conversation, and you will be allowed to keep your feelings to yourself.

This hits it square on the head.

[Cleverfield]

Hence why Minnesota isn't the right place for me. Although I don't like to talk a whole heck of a lot, I actually like sharing my feelings and hate small talk. This just confirms what I have sensed since I've been here. Glad to be leaving in a few weeks. Will miss the weather though, strangely enough...

[yakimono]

So, if you're leaving, why did you post?

Feeling a need to do a post-mortem on your failed rxp with the state's people?

You are who you are and don't need to apologize for it. Just don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out. And leave the lights on.

Just for the record, I'm a native MN'n and I find the culture to be only a so-so fit for me. Except for pockets of minority groups, folks here strike me as a bit...maybe parochial would be the word.

[Glenfield]

You do come off as a tad unfriendly. I hope you find a place where people like to listen to an unfriendly person spill their guts from time to time.

[Cleverfield]

Originally Posted by yakimono

So, if you're leaving, why did you post?

Feeling a need to do a post-mortem on your failed rxp with the state's people?

You are who you are and don't need to apologize for it. Just don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out. And leave the lights on.

Just for the record, I'm a native MN'n and I find the culture to be only a so-so fit for me. Except for pockets of minority groups, folks here strike me as a bit...maybe parochial would be the word.

I posted because I was trying to understand the culture more, and might have considered staying or coming back here someday, but now that I understand that that's the culture and not just a few isolated incidents, I know it's not right for me. I hate the feeling of not knowing whether someone is acting nice to you because they really like you, or just acting that way because it's the expectation. I also hate the passive-aggressiveness like you and the other poster are showing, where you're afraid to actually confront people, and instead make passive aggressive insults and give people the cold shoulder. That culture is just a breeding ground for dishonesty and repressed emotions, which for me feels unhealthy, although I'm sure it's great for some people.

[sholomar]

I'm like that too, OP. It's why I like larger cities vs smaller ones even though I live in a smaller one. It's easier to be anonymous without everyone expecting to say "hi" to everyone they come across like people do in smaller towns. I'm fine with informal politeness, it's small talk and getting to know the mundane details of everyone's life that I have trouble with. Though honestly it would be worth learning.... I may take it up, think of it as a life skill, job, or hobby that I improve at..... Perhaps I need to take another read of Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

I'd say if you have that sort of personality, stay near the twin cities and out of the western part of the state, or move to eastern WI where people are a bit more like that. Basically higher population density, less tendency for people to wave at each other in cars, and say hi to every person they come across... lower population density, a tendency for everyone to know one another.

I think of a higher population area as like being a 'fly on the wall' which is the way I prefer it.

I think 'nosy' as another person put it would be the right term. At work it seems like a big chunk of the people have formed a clique and anyone who's not in it is kind of a 'foreigner' of sorts. Also, everyone has to be in each other's business, whether they realize it or not. If you don't fit into that perfect societal mold that has every co-worker as part of the clique that goes out together on the weekends, you are seen as sort of strange.

Poster was right about the 'grape vine network' and reputations spreading. Like mentioned already, it seems like everyone has to know each other's business and even in a plant of 900 people everyone does.

parochial is another great term, but again I think it's more a function of population density rather than geographic location. You will get similar behavior in smaller towns and more isolated areas all over the country vs living in a metropolitan area. I used to lothe big cities in my youth but find the idea of moving to Chicago and relying on their public transportation and a bicycle and ditching the car somewhat appealing actually. Lots of interesting and varied people and places.... in areas like rural South Dakota people are pretty much the same... nice people no doubt, but rather simple.

To me the twin cities seems a big enough metro area to avoid grape vine issues, though maybe I'm wrong and it's human nature to want to know everything about everything and everyone all the time. That's why facebook has become so popular, people love telling about their latest trip to the grocery store... read dale carnegie's book and it will help you figure people out.