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I know plenty of guys who waited to find the right one- and found her- at 34, 37, 39, and 40+.
The biggest red flag in your first post was that you're not all that attracted to her. You may develop a friendship kind of love over time, but you are NEVER going to become more attracted to her. Guarentee it. Don't you want a lifetime of sex and cuddling on the sofa with someone who makes your heart beat faster?
Also, think about your future kids. Don't they deserve to live in a home where mom & dad provide a good example of what marriage is? It's more than just two roomates raising kids together.
Agree, my best friend met her husband when she was 34 and he was 43. She pretty much had given up on finding the one but sometimes when you stop looking, the right one appears. Her husband is 53 and their youngest is 5 y.o. but it is what it is and they wouldn't change a thing.
If you don't have that initial attraction -- please don't do it in fairness to the woman AND yourself! I've been married over 20 years and we're a good partnership and still love each other. Good luck!
Maybe you can find some helpful words of advice from the person who continues to have children well into his 70s, the great Larry King. What's wrong with being 50 when your kid is 13? Are you afraid of not being able to physically keep up? Biological age is more important than the chronological one, anyway. These are much different times from the previous generations, and what is true today will most certainly change in the next 15-20 years. So when you imagine the future, don't make the mistake of applying the social norms of today to tomorrow. When it's all done and said, I think you will find yourself surprisingly close to average - which means you'll pull the trigger prematurely, spawn children, invest in a house, only to find yourself at the divorce court. Take your time. Do you cringe from hearing the word alimony? You should. Consider just how much more time is at stake of being wasted should you find your next ex-wife.
There was a thread about marriage in NYC and women and their biological clock. I thought it was very informative and wanted to start a similar thread from a male's point of view.
I am a male, 33, successful, nice body, pretty good looking, athletic, great apt. Until about the age of 31, I enjoyed going out and partying in this city and random hookups (have lived here since college at age 17). I had a few serious relationships--one of which, in retrospect was the love of my life (age 24-27). I gave it up though because she wanted to get married and I was not ready.
Bad decision. When I hit 31, I hit the same "time-bomb" in my head that usually only afflict women. I became obsessed with marrying before all the nice girls are off the market. I have every intention of being married and having children. I know 33 is still somewhat young, but if I meet the girl of my dreams tomorrow (in the best case), we get married in the Spring of 2012, she gets pregnant a year later the baby pops out 9 months after that and I am 37. In the best case. Then when he/she is 13, I am 50. Sounds a little old to be having kids, my youngest would be younger.
I don't know why it never occurred to me earlier in life...the time just flew by so fast. If I had this mentality at 26, I would be married by now.
I have searched for a decent girl--just someone who I find attractive (doesn't have to be stunning, but I should be attracted), interesting and would make a nice mother and wife. This is not an easy thing to do. Girls in this city all have their guards up against random strangers, meeting your future wife at a bar is unlikely and many of the nice girls I meet already have boyfriends/husbands. On-line has resulted in mediocre success.
I am now considering starting a relationship with a really great and sweet girl, but who I am not in love with. We have a LOT in common and I know she would make a great mother, but I do not know that I would be excited to go on vacations with her. And while she is pretty, I do not feel sexual attraction for her.
Am I being crazy? Any other guys out there feel the way I do?
Do yourself and the girl a favor and do NOT get involved. Plenty of other fish in the sea and you will hate yourself in a few years when you are married to someone you don't love and are not attracted to when you meet a woman you are attracted to and could love. What will you do then? Stay in the loveless, attraction-less marriage? divorce? cheat?
Also - just wanted to point out a little red flag in your post. The only description you choose for yourself besides your age is:
successful
nice body
pretty good looking
athletic
great apt.
Three out of 5 (nice body, good looking, great apt.) are kind of on the shallow side. Whatever happened to:
sweet
intelligent
considerate
funny
kind
you know - the important things.
You may be those things, but it's telling that you didn't think to mention any of them, or anything related.
Anwyay, good luck and don't date a woman who you won't love and be attracted to. It's really not worth it!
You are right--I did pick the shallow ones--these are the things that I feel are most important to women. But I do think I am sweet, romantic, intelligent, etc.
I just think that so MANY people, especially in other cultures, settle. Even many Americans settle, but dont say it. Not everyone falls in love or can marry the person they do fall in love with. Think of Jewish cultures, some Italian, Chinese, Indian---many in these cultures are match-made. Yes, ideally we would all like to find a wonderful person with whom we can spend the rest of our lives. But it may not happen for me.
I have several friends who are older and single, and I just think I dont want to be them. One friend just turned 37 or 38, and she wants nothing more than to fall in love and get married. But it hasn't happened for her yet--and I have seen her turn down several perfectly good guys, because they were too short or for whatever other reason. Then I have guy friends who are turning 37 and they have the chance to marry a girl they like, but they just want to continue having fun for awhile. I dont want to be them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Henna
Do yourself and the girl a favor and do NOT get involved. Plenty of other fish in the sea and you will hate yourself in a few years when you are married to someone you don't love and are not attracted to when you meet a woman you are attracted to and could love. What will you do then? Stay in the loveless, attraction-less marriage? divorce? cheat?
Also - just wanted to point out a little red flag in your post. The only description you choose for yourself besides your age is:
successful
nice body
pretty good looking
athletic
great apt.
Three out of 5 (nice body, good looking, great apt.) are kind of on the shallow side. Whatever happened to:
sweet
intelligent
considerate
funny
kind
you know - the important things.
You may be those things, but it's telling that you didn't think to mention any of them, or anything related.
Anwyay, good luck and don't date a woman who you won't love and be attracted to. It's really not worth it!
You broke up with the life of your life and now expect that you will find someone? You gotta be kidding me, this girl was probably so heart-broken, it's not even funny, and the bad karma is still there, although she probably has been happily married for years. So, here is what I suggest-get in touch with her, and ask for her forgivance. Then maybe good karma will come your way and you will meet someone special. And no, I am not a sick person, but have you heard the expression "Hell hath no fury as the woman scorned?" No offense.
You broke up with the life of your life and now expect that you will find someone? You gotta be kidding me, this girl was probably so heart-broken, it's not even funny, and the bad karma is still there, although she probably has been happily married for years. So, here is what I suggest-get in touch with her, and ask for her forgivance. Then maybe good karma will come your way and you will meet someone special. And no, I am not a sick person, but have you heard the expression "Hell hath no fury as the woman scorned?" No offense.
Well, in truth she broke up with me, because she thought I would never propose and wanted to move on. It was very hard for both of us. I came close to proposing many times after that, but everyone told me that if I am not ready, I should not do it or would regret it later. But you are right, I do regret it. I don't want to intrude on her life--I know she is very happy with her husband and child and I could not be happier for her. The are living down south somewhere. I only wish it were still possible to spend time with her--I do miss her; but I know that it can only complicate things for the worse for both of us. No, we have both moved on.
Did not mean to be mean, I do think, though that perhaps calling her and just letting her know might provide some sort of a closure, I don't think it would be intruding. In terms of that other girl, if there is no passion, don't do it because just as luck would have it, right after you might meet the real love. Just keep on looking, ppl here gave very good suggestions on meeting ladies.
Well, in truth she broke up with me, because she thought I would never propose and wanted to move on. It was very hard for both of us. I came close to proposing many times after that, but everyone told me that if I am not ready, I should not do it or would regret it later. But you are right, I do regret it.
I know guys who have been through something similar. Being ready was synonymous with monogamy. They loved their gf but wanted to date and have sex with other women. When they did, they felt guilty because the gf was "nice" and too decent to be cheated on. Other guys think something better is just around the bend, given the huge pool of available, sexy young women. As long as the see dating as a contest of conquests, they don't settle down. A lot of these guys have never married and are now in their 40s or they married the woman they thought was better, only ending up unhappy and divorced.
Find yourself someone who complements you. Maybe through your happily married friends or relatives. Good luck.
You just described me exactly as I was when I was 29. And I realized how bad that was when I was 31. Now I am trying to avoid being that 40something who thinks he has married someone better. Being single has its perks and I enjoyed it, but I enjoyed it for too long and now I am in a hurry to go to the next level. I feel anxiety about it everyday when I wake up. I know this is more typically a female problem (as they understandably have real biological issues to think about). Everyone has given me the same advice--which is not to date this girl I dont love. But on paper, she is perfect. I should give it a chance I think. Some people fall in love right away. Other people meet and slowly fall in love. Maybe I will be in the latter category.
Quote:
Originally Posted by queensgrl
I know guys who have been through something similar. Being ready was synonymous with monogamy. They loved their gf but wanted to date and have sex with other women. When they did, they felt guilty because the gf was "nice" and too decent to be cheated on. Other guys think something better is just around the bend, given the huge pool of available, sexy young women. As long as the see dating as a contest of conquests, they don't settle down. A lot of these guys have never married and are now in their 40s or they married the woman they thought was better, only ending up unhappy and divorced.
Find yourself someone who complements you. Maybe through your happily married friends or relatives. Good luck.
Well, in truth she broke up with me, because she thought I would never propose and wanted to move on. It was very hard for both of us. I came close to proposing many times after that, but everyone told me that if I am not ready, I should not do it or would regret it later. But you are right, I do regret it. I don't want to intrude on her life--I know she is very happy with her husband and child and I could not be happier for her. The are living down south somewhere. I only wish it were still possible to spend time with her--I do miss her; but I know that it can only complicate things for the worse for both of us. No, we have both moved on.
Of course she broke up with you...she had a quasi-political agenda to pursue (ie; marriage, and probably children by a certain age) and you were in the way of it.
No matter. She has moved on and apparently achieved her agenda, and in doing so has demonstrated your utter replaceable-ness. My point here is that calling her your soul mate is ridiculous...she's as utterly replaceable as you were to her. If it had really been all about the two of you being together, she would have hung around a couple more years until you came around, (and you would have...) but all it really proved is that you two weren't meant to be long term.
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