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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I learned to become self-contained, to just depend on myself and not put expectations on others. It would be nice to have a good support system, but you really can't count on anyone but yourself. This way, when the support comes, I wasn't expecting it, so I'm pleasantly surprised and very appreciative.
^^^WhyteBird ... I make a hard effort to do the same....but with no family and divorced/no kids, it does get difficult on occasion...like now.
Usually I keep the motto "there is no one who will not betray you" in mind so I don't have those expectations...but with close friends, I was hoping for different. Guess this is exactly where I have erred...
It would be nice to have a good support system, but you really can't count on anyone but yourself. This way, when the support comes, I wasn't expecting it, so I'm pleasantly surprised and very appreciative.[/quote]
I'm realizing this same truth with a recent friend. I really thought we were getting closer over this last year (she is the new GF of a long time friend). They have both drifted so far that I find myself without that connection. It hurts, but it's true...if you have no expectations... sheesh...
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,009,486 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09
I don't count on anybody besides family. Friends are friends, nothing more.
You really can't even count on family at least half the time. Mine always prided themselves on being so close but as years go by, they're there less and less.
Hold the phone. And the self-pity, while you're at it.
It really depends a lot on your situation. Now, be honest. Are you someone who pretty much manages to get through life without getting into one scrape after another? Or are you someone who so badly mismanages things in your life that you can't be trusted with a box of kitchen matches?
Because if you're the first, then your friends and family will all band together to help you. That's almost a guarantee. But that's typically not the problem. It's usually the second situation we're talking about, the one where the person in question is a total f-up time after time after time after time. These are people who suck all the energy, time, and good intentions out of people who try to be their friends, and then can't understand why, suddenly, invitations to lunch get declined, telephone conversations are cut short, and e-mails are unreturned.
Why? Because there is an enormous difference between being a friend to someone who has hit a rough patch and being a friend to someone whose problems in life are both continuous and self-inflicted. I've had a couple of so-called friends like that, whose complete idiocy got them into huge difficulties. I've lent money that was never repaid, yet the friend in question always had enough scratch to go on vacation. I've driven 300 miles to bail someone out of jail on a Sunday night so he didn't miss work on Monday morning. I've let a buddy sleep on my couch for weeks after he once again went back to the same lying harpy of a girlfriend and then broke up with her again. I've recommended friends for jobs even after they've been fired from a string of others for reasons wholly of their own making, putting my own professional reputation on the line, and been burned for my troubles. And the list goes on.
There comes a time when you just have to say, "WTF? Enough of this already!" And, for your own self-preservation, you have to distance yourself from idiots who make the same basic stupid decisions time after time. The people who refuse to grow up. The people who blow every dime they make--and then some. The people who persevere in situations that are obviously hopeless to anyone with a two-digit IQ. The people with the interpersonal skills of a ball peen hammer. The people who cannot hold a job through their intrinsic laziness. The people who just cannot seem to learn from their own mistakes.
So the question to you is this: Are you one of those people? And be honest about it. Are you a person who just lurches from crisis to crisis in your life and won't admit your own responsibility in creating them? Are you a person who blames everyone else for your misfortune (#1 Red Flag, by the way)? If so, small wonder you've been abandoned by all your friends. Because they finally grew tired of being your support system. There was no reward in being your friend, for 'friendship' to you was their propping you up time after time after time, and listening to your troubles hour after hour. Trust me, even a saint would get tired of that after awhile.
So rather than ask the question, 'Why aren't people being a friend to me?" try asking yourself, "Have I really been a good friend to them?" You might not like the answers you get.
I can count my "true" friends on one half of one hand! And one of those I might not see for several months at a time.
I've known rich "country club" types who suddenly lost their fortune, then all of a sudden all their "friends" disappeared.
I knew a *very* good looking guy who had tons of "friends". He was in a car accident and his face was disfigured. Suddenly all those "friends" disappeared!
One of my favorite sayings is... A friend is someone who knows all about you and they still like you!
And I've learned that people who are dirt poor can be the best friends in the world. They will give you the shirt off their back!
I say I have no family, but there is one brother....however, I was forced to have an atty send his wife a "cease and desist" letter due to ugly and painful harrassment....so he does not speak to me. And no way do I ever expect his assistance for anything at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd
You really can't even count on family at least half the time. Mine always prided themselves on being so close but as years go by, they're there less and less.
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... I make a hard effort to do the same....but with no family and divorced/no kids, it does get difficult on occasion...like now. 
