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My point was, what do you think it would do to your mother if something bad should happen and she gets THE call ...
She would be very worried and sad, no doubt. But from that point of view I should also have to warn her everytime I drive or take a flight. She could also get the call then.
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Originally Posted by hypocore
Flip this around and think about if you were a parent and had an adult child who had major surgery and didn't inform you. What would it make you think and feel?
I cannot imagine you would feel that it was acceptable and normal, unless you have a completely dysfunctional relationship with your child.
I know that if any of my children as adults were to have surgery, especially surgery that would require recovery time where they needed assistance, and they chose not to tell me that I would be crushed, angry and humiliated. It would change my relationship with them for a long time to come.
I don't have children so it's very hard for me to see it the other way around. But I could see if my child wanted to save me from unnecessary stress and worries. I think I could manage to keep it a secret but my mother seems to smell when something different is going on, it's unexplainable.
She would be very worried and sad, no doubt. But from that point of view I should also have to warn her everytime I drive or take a flight. She could also get the call then.
I don't have children so it's very hard for me to see it the other way around. But I could see if my child wanted to save me from unnecessary stress and worries. I think I could manage to keep it a secret but my mother seems to smell when something different is going on, it's unexplainable.
Only you know the reality of your situation. Anyone that posts an opinion here will do so from their own personal point of view which won't help you if you truly feel that telling her will have you more stressed than you need to be.
You should consider though that if you will be in hospital for four days, what if your mother tries to contact you and cannot reach you? She may get very worried if calls are not returned. You said she is a worrier. I'd be concerned about that. You might be trying to save her from worrying about the surgery but instead have her freaking out because you're not calling her back. I'd actually be more concerned about not telling your dad. He may be very disappointed that you did not tell him so he could at least see if he knows the doctor or of him and can be secure knowing that you are in good hands.
I would say to tell her in a way that's calm and matter of fact and that you have arranged care when you return from the hospital and would prefer not to have visitors there and that you will call her when you get home. Good luck with that though. If she is as you have described, prepare for a visit at the hospital.
Don't hide things..Instruct your mother to behave herself- not to be a jerk...or bash the housekeeper...be honest for a change- Nothing worse than a woman or a man that is habitually secretive..It's dishonest- Don't be a coward and set down the law!
People who lie are weak- be strong- time you grew up.
It's not really lying in this case, more like hiding the truth.
I gotta admit the question I am wondering most is what type of knee surgery are you having that would keep you in the hospital for 4 days???
Total knee replacement? That's the only knee surgery I know of in this country that would even require a hospital stay. There are some significant risks from TKA, rare, but potentially serious complications. Would be hard for your parents to hear if they didn't even know you were having the surgery.
No, it's not TKR but I can assure it's not the only knee surgery that requires hospital stay. The doctor says it's safer to stay there a few days to make sure there's minimal movement and then start learning how to use crutches in the last day. Oh well, it's a private hospital so I suppose they're interested in keeping me there for a few days.
I actually prefer to stay there as much as possible. The more days I stay in the hospital, the less I'll have to bother my friend.
Only you know the reality of your situation. Anyone that posts an opinion here will do so from their own personal point of view which won't help you if you truly feel that telling her will have you more stressed than you need to be.
You should consider though that if you will be in hospital for four days, what if your mother tries to contact you and cannot reach you? She may get very worried if calls are not returned. You said she is a worrier. I'd be concerned about that. You might be trying to save her from worrying about the surgery but instead have her freaking out because you're not calling her back.
That's actually my main concern. She doesn't call me everyday obviously but if she does while I'm in hospital I won't want to answer. Then she'll probably go to my house and nobody will answer. Then she'll call my brother, who doesn't know anything, and she has the number of my friend. She knows he's my only married friend that keeps being close to me.
He'll probably lie but she won't bite it, like I said, she can sense when something different's going on. But I can't do anything about that.
Sounds to me you are thinking about not telling your parents as a way to punish them, especially your father. I think you are being very selfish and inconsiderate for not letting your parents know about this major event in your life.
Grow up and TELL your mother and father what is happening, that you are going to handle it your way, you do not want any visitors, your friend and brother have their numbers if you have to be notified of any change. you don't have to tell them where you are going, the exact date etc and the hospital cannot give out any info about your surgery or your stay.
my point is that at age 36, you are way behind in training your parents on how you want to be treated. By now they should have learned to trust you, abide by your personal wishes, etc.
Are you by any chance Indian? This all may be cultural but you still need to let them know you are having surgery but you have taken care of all your own arrangements.
Also it looks to me like you are reveling in helping your brother keep a secret from your parents. You sound very jealous of him and by asking him not to involve your parents you will be helping to create more drama.
and if you truly don't want to disturb the lives of your friend and your brother, why don't you just hire a nurse or two to stay with you. Home health care sounds like what you need. Asking a married father to leave his family to care for you when you sound like you have the means to hire professional care seems strange to me. All you have to do is leave a key accessible so nurses can check in on you, bathe you etc. I personally would not want somebody not trained how to handle a post surgery patient handling me.
Obviously, I know that. But I can't expect my mother not to care about what's going on with me, even as an adult. I just wanted some input about what do you guys think of the situation and what you would do, etc.
You could tell her. And then tell her exactly what "help" you wanted. And then stick to your guns.
I had surgery recently...and really needed the support of my friends. It was far more involved than I anticipated. I suggest you rely on your family. Why? I know if I was your married friend's wife...I would be livid if he was going to help a woman with personal stuff like toileting after surgery....I would shut that down. So...don't put your friend in between a situation like that.
Oh, do you think the OP is a woman.? I assumed he was a male. No way in hell would I
"let" my husband go take care of another woman after surgery!!!!! This is really sick if it is a woman. Incredibly sick and selfish.
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