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I've learned a lot posting here and reading the last year or so. I've posted about my situation with my mother and coming out and about my MIL in saw situation and I apprecaite all of your support. Today I got a call from my dad, he lives in Russia. I'm originally from there but have been in the US 22 years now. My dad wants to come for a visit. I'm always invited him and he's always said it's too far, too hard to get a visa etc, but I guess has now changed his mind. I would love for him to come, but he knows nothing of my life here.
A brief history: he knew I had a BF back in the day, but it's been already 3 years since he's known we are not together. When we talk, he never asks me about my love life unlike all of my Russian relatives who seem to only ask about that. We don't talk that often and I haven't found a reason to come out to him, especially since he never asks. My mom never fails to tell me Russia's stance on this issue and how conservative my father is. I personally don't know how he will react, but judging on how my mother reacted being in America 20 years, it won't be good. Plus, not having lived with him since I was 9 years old, I don't really know him. I have no one to turn to for advice as my mother will just be like "well I guess you're going to have to tell him" with a smirk on face; I can't go to my GF because she is first of all biased, second of all I don't want to make her feel like I'm scared of telling him (but I am). I know I've basically avoided this situation all together all this time, but being 10,000 miles apart makes it easy.
I'm honestly scared. With all the bigotry that is out there today in the United States, not to mention that you can get thrown in jail in Russia for promoting homosexuality (Madonna is currently being sued for her concert last month) and possibly even prosecuted. I'm afraid my father doesn't know anything else and I guess will just stop talking to me?
I'm at a total loss. I am hoping to hear from parents that are conservative and how they would feel if their child came out to them. Any other advice/support would be appreciated. Part of me feels that my dad and I don't really have a close relationship so what does he really care; the other side of me knows the environment and culture where he lives and that he will just care on principle.
How long does he want to visit you for?...you and your dad probably do have a "close relationship", but if I was going to "come out" to him, I'd tell him before he came over....that way you'll know if he's excepting of your lifestyle by whether he comes over or not......either that, or just continue to allow him to think what he prefers, and treat your girlfriend as a room-mate while he's visiting.....sorry you have to feel such fear of not being accepted for who you are
Only you can really decide but if you decide to tell him, you should do so before he makes plans to visit you, ot after he gets here.
That has the possibility to be a very unpleasant event.
But since he nevers brings the subject up, are you sure he doesn't know?
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Be positive, he might surprise you. Even if he's unaccepting at first, maybe he'll come round, parents often do, no matter how set in their beliefs they tend to be.
I agree, tell him as soon as you can. He will have time to come to terms with it if he can. If he chooses not to talk to you or come over, it's his loss. It would be unfair to spring it on him when he arrives. A nice long letter would be good.
Thank you for the encouraging posts. I don't think he knows, how would he, no one in Russia knows, unless my mother told her sister. Everyone else is up in my business as to why I'm not getting married (esp that brother is getting married this year), about why I don't have kids, why I don't have a BF etc etc. My dad, nothing! Even when I told him about my brother. I thought when I told my mothe she would be cool with it, she wasn't at first...a long at first. She's since then gone to therapy, talked to other people and realized it is what it is. My dad, I have no idea.
I'm afraid because back in Russia like I mentioned it is viewed still as a disease or some form of mental disorder. I don't know how much my dad has had contact or what he thinks. The fact that he doesn't ask throws me off. I have no direct way to bring it up. What do I say: "hey dad before you make plans to come here, I wanted to let you know that I'm in a relationship with a female." I don't think I can get those words out of my mouth.
What, pray tell, are you losing should you tell him and he pitch a fit and disown you?
Not trying to be harsh, but if I were in your shoes, my partner's feelings would be worth so much more than my father's at this stage, and I would not hide her or deny her existence for someone I haven't even SEEN in 22 years, parent or not. You're an adult. Own yourself. In other words, "Hey, Dad, I'm gay and I live with my girlfriend. If you're not okay with that, please don't come and visit me."
You already know the answer, it is in the title to this thread. Yes, it will be hard and yes, he probably already knows but is in denial. A motto I learned a long time ago helps me at times like these:
"Say what you mean, don't say it mean." I would use Lilac's phrasing exactly and say it in the most loving way possible. Don't defend, just be firm, kind, and confident. After you've told him, you will become and feel like the adult daughter you are.
Like I said, write him a letter so you can lay it all out without having to face him, even on the phone.
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