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It depends on your relationship with your inlaws and how well your wife gets along with them as well. If you're on good terms and there is no good reason to believe that they will cheat you out or pull a fast one, then I would loan them the money and set up some sort of payment plan. I personally wouldn't loan out money to anyone unless I was certain I would get paid back or if I intended to give the money as a gift. Of course, if your inlaws are not on good terms with you then ignore them.
We decided to not pay their bills and cut them off entirely when they started acting all friendly and nice to us when we talked to them about it. We knew it was fake and they were only being nice because we could help them. They have never been friendly or nice to us in the past and so we decided it was just fake.
We sent them a letter explaining our thinking along with a long list of public charities and government agenices that could help them. Good luck to them.
I am so proud of you and feel you did the right thing. Anyone who disrespects your wife and won't even ask for help in person is suspect. These people are users and if you let them they'd bleed you dry. They made this mess and now they need to bail themselves out of it. Tough love is sometimes the only option and I applaud your decision.
As has been already mentioned I am sure, I don't have time to read 8 pages, if you loan them the money offer to send it directly the mortgage company and make it clear if that is your intent this is a loan and have them sign a promissory note if you expect to be replayed. No verbal agreements at all. If you don't want to do that make peace with the fact you will never get the money back most likely.
If you read my other posting about my wife's cold distant family that treats each other and my wife poorly you may understand how family dynamics can impact a marriage.
The latest news is her parents left a voice mail that said that unless they can come up with two months of mortgage payments ($2000) they will be evicited from their home and be homeless. No one else in the family has any money and we have to help them.
Should we?
Why are the parents 2 months behind? Don't give the payment to the parents -- send to the company.
My brother lost his job. I paid 2 utility bills (1500) for he and SIL (3 days later my brother said, thanks). A month later -- needed money for car payment. The car was getting repossessed. They had two cars. I said, HELL NO. I'm not a bail out system.
My company line is -- when loaning money -- see the situation as a gift. If the money is returned, then it's a surprise.
You know, there are lots of people in America, now, who NEVER take vacations. They can't afford it. There are people who haven't eaten out in years. In my old town, the richest in that state, there are neighborhoods where few put out any holiday decorations at all. There is not one extra cent for anything above paying the mortgage, the insurance, the utilities, the taxes, the cheapest food...
There are retirees and working poor, trying to eat on a Dollar a day... even at today's inflated food costs. There are retired couples who have worked all their lives, who are struggling to keep one vehicle drivable. They live in 'transitioning' neighborhoods, where roaming 'Underserved Youth' terrorize the elderly... breaking in repeatedly...smashing car windows... making it dangerous just to open the door and check the mail. They can't afford to flee, and move to...
...to places like the one where OP's in-laws luxuriate in safety, and an affordable, comfortable home.
I added up their monthly income, and the total is FIFTY FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR!!!! And how much of that income is even taxed??? Anyway, with eleven thou or so in mortgage interest each year being deductible, I imagine their Income Tax is very little.
There are plenty of couples, working full time, who bring in substantially less than these two get. And those people are having to pay taxes on that income ... and raise kids... often in neighborhoods where the Random Diversity Tax strikes frequently, wiping out savings and safety: a smashed window here, a burglary there...
And then, there are all the single people, working for twelve and fifteen Dollars an hour, struggling just to make the rent on hovels... hoping they can just make it to work, driving on that set of threadbare tires until their Christmas bonus, or their tax refund, and they can shell out a hundred fifty bucks to replace the worst two tires on their tiny, ancient Toyota. Those people frequently have never gone anyplace on vacation. Instead, their thoughts are about getting ahead a little, and going hog wild... getting the oil changed, the belts and hoses replaced, AND four new bargain tires on sale! But those are just wild dreams. If Grammaw dies and leaves anything at all, they'll maybe have enough money for a down payment on a thirty-year-old efficiency apartment, in a complex that's gone condo, over on that still-safe edge of town... that is, if it's only 5% down. But that's just dreaming, too.
OP's in-laws have no idea how good they've got it. With that kind of income, and no medical bills, they could be socking away a thou a month.
Where did their outrageously overinflated sense of entitlement come from? Was she their high school's 'Prettiest Girl'? Was he "...uh Foo-bawhl sta-ah!" (I'm channeling John Cougar here...). I've seen couples like that: still thinking that because they were pretty and popular once, that all should still bow down before them and indulge their every whim.
Well, they'd better wise-up, QUICK. Inflation is going to erode the buying power of that pension check. Social Security 'adjustments' will not keep up with inflation. Their only hedge against inflation is that home.
This time, get them out of trouble (after consulting attorneys, to be sure that your paying the mortgage company does not entangle you in their financial mess... maybe the check could be written from the Attorney's account?). Do so graciously.
But I think that making this conditional upon their beginning Family Therapy is a good idea. I'm guessing that the Mental Health Professional involved will be able to accurately describe the problems underlying this situation: Dementia? Alcoholism? Narcissism? All of the above?
I don't think these fools are going to wise-up or shape-up. But having feedback from a trained professional will seriously reduce your Wife's angst and feelings of guilt over this situation.
That is an excellent post.
Many people do not realize that meals in restaurants, two cars and vacations are extras not necessities.
We decided to not pay their bills and cut them off entirely when they started acting all friendly and nice to us when we talked to them about it. We knew it was fake and they were only being nice because we could help them. They have never been friendly or nice to us in the past and so we decided it was just fake.
We sent them a letter explaining our thinking along with a long list of public charities and government agenices that could help them. Good luck to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman
Wow, bold move snooper, I guess they can't be any more rude and obnoxious as they already have, so when they react to your letter it's not like you don't know what to expect. I think you did good, you're taking care of your own family now, and they come first..stand firm, you did good.
The dynamic I find interesting here....is that the wife wanted to give them the money. They are her parents. The husband never wanted to give them money. And the end result? No money goes to her parents.
Yet another reason I am NOT married. I work. I have my own money and savings. I don't have to ask a man for $2000. If my Mom wants or needs money, I don't ask permission from anyone. If I want to give it to her, I do.
The wife is leaning towards saying no I wanted to say yes, just this once.
They have not replied yet to our request for family counseling. Maybe payment might be connected to this request. No family counseling acceptance no $2000 bail out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by snooper
We decided to not pay their bills and cut them off entirely when they started acting all friendly and nice to us when we talked to them about it. We knew it was fake and they were only being nice because we could help them. They have never been friendly or nice to us in the past and so we decided it was just fake.
We sent them a letter explaining our thinking along with a long list of public charities and government agenices that could help them. Good luck to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
The dynamic I find interesting here....is that the wife wanted to give them the money. They are her parents. The husband never wanted to give them money. And the end result? No money goes to her parents.
Yet another reason I am NOT married. I work. I have my own money and savings. I don't have to ask a man for $2000. If my Mom wants or needs money, I don't ask permission from anyone. If I want to give it to her, I do.
jasper12 - Where are you reading that the wife wanted to give her parents the money?
I feel in a case like this, both the husband and wife are a team and that they need to do what is best for them as a couple in the long run. So even if the OP'S wife wanted to give her parents the money, I still think that whatever decision they make has to be one that results in the best (longterm) scenarios for them as a couple and not her parents.
One, the parents are nasty and potential longterm leeches. And in this economy, the parents are the ones that have to change their irresponsible lifestyle because they could bring down the financial well-being for all of their children. And if no other siblings are wanting to help out the parents, then that is a really good indication of how off track their lifestyle is.
And also, sound financial decisions should not be coloured by emotions or filial guilt. And that's why the input from the spouse about their in-laws is very valid and given equal decision making weight.
I have my own money, but when it comes to decisions about giving someone a LARGE amount of money, my husband and I discuss it and make decisions together. Besides, as this thread points out, it's not just about the money - it's about how to handle rude and irresponsible family members, which is the much bigger issue.
But Jasper, if you really do think it's just about who has control of the $2000, then perhaps it is in your best interest (and in the interest of potential mates) that you remain single.
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