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Our friendship really changed after her mother passed away from Cancer in 2011. She became very distant and not very interested in getting together. One evening I was going out with a friend from work and she was going out with a friend as well, so we decided to meet up for drinks. She then blew me off completely and I ended up seeing her later in the evening at another bar. She was all over some guy even though she is married. I went up to her and told her that I felt her not showing up was pretty rude and I wanted to know what her problem was. She then freaked out and told me she didn't need to answer to me. It was clear she was pretty drunk. Her friend then stepped in and told me to walk away. I told her friend it wasn't her business and then my former friend started yelling at me. So I said "your drunk and if you don't remember you have a husband at home, but your all over random men" She then slapped me across the face. I was so angry I blurted out " I guess losing your mom turned you into an ahole"
Or maybe it threw her into a crisis and she was acting out and really didn't need to hear that from someone who claimed to be her best friend. Maybe she befriended the "trashy" person you don't like because she wasn't getting the support she needed from those closest to her.
Have you ever lost a parent after a long, protracted illness in which they wasted away right before your eyes? It sucks. Big-time.
Regardless, grief can prompt people to do irrational things. I've seen people behave in ways that are complete 180s from their usual selves, take incredible risks, lash out in anger, hole up and not come out for months, you name it. You, as someone in your 30s, should be old enough to understand that. Instead of "going up to her" and demanding to know "what her problem was," you could have, and should have, handled it a bit more gently--especially considering that she was drunk at the time.
Does that excuse her from slapping your face? Of course not. But from the sound of your post, you threw gasoline on a fire and are wondering why it exploded. Regardless of her behavior, after you made that comment about her mother, you should have been mortified with yourself, because that's just not something someone who loves a friend would say to that friend. Honestly? Not that I would be proud of this, and of course I would regret it, but I might have slapped you in that situation, not for the husband comment, but for the "losing your mother made you an ahole" comment.
At any rate, she's not interested in your friendship, such as it is, anymore. Leave her alone.
Firstly, did you ever actually apologise for your comment? If not, you might want to do that right away. It didn’t justify her reaction, but you should have the grace to acknowledge your comment was mean and unnecessary. Secondly, if she’s accusing you of things that didn’t actually happen then it’s definitely time to let this one go. I had a friendship that turned into that and it was so weird and unpleasant that I just had to delete that person from my life.
“But as a courtesy I sent her a link to the photos on facebook.” I have to be honest, I REALLY don’t get this statement. Courtesy? How is this a courtesy? Why would you want to send her anything if she made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with you? What were you trying to tell her? This is her life and her choices and even if you still care about her, it’s not your business. I would recommend you unfriend her from FB and stop keeping track of her life.
Not every relationship is destined to last forever.
This friendship is over.
The issues that have happened are most likely impossible to overcome. Even though 20 years is a long time friend, sometimes people change so much that there is no friendship. And it may hurt, but this isn't salvageable.
Honestly, you may want to be more political in the future. I understand you don't condone your friends behavior that night at the club, but making comments like that will be difficult for anyone to accept, regardless of the level of friendship. I myself have learned this somewhat, and I have learned that I either accept other peoples behavior however it may be, but only until it becomes an issue in MY life. If I was in your shoes the night at the club (pre slapping), I would likely not say anything, but I would downgrade the quality of that friendship significantly. Eventually, your 'friends' actions would affect or reflect on you, and then YOU will have problems to deal with.
I think the big picture here is the following:
You mention "I know many people will say, why do I want to be friends.... but this person is more than the negative stuff."
You are not seeing the truth here. Your friend is not someone who is probably a 'good friend'. How does a lying, aggressive, slapping, cheating person make a 'good friend' ?
She blew you off to go party with other people. She slapped you.
It is time for you to INTERNALLY say goodbye to this person.
She doesn't want you as a friend, and you honestly don't need a 'friend' like that.
Find a new friend(s) that aren't toxic. It sucks, but sometimes it just HAS to happen.
I hate to say this, but this friendship died years ago. Just cherish the good times you had and move on. You can't force someone back into your life who doesn't want to be there. The more you try to hang on, the more hostile she will become, thus increasing the hurt even more. let it go.
Some friendships die, others endure. Focus on the friends you have now and open yourself up to new ones.
While you probably should move on, I understand having regrets and wanting your old friend back. I have been in the position of deciding whether to reconnect with someone. Sometimes it works and sometimes (most times) it does not. However, I think the decision to reconnect is one that you have to follow through on, if time after time you feel compelled to try. At worse, you will be rejected and then perhaps you won't feel conflicted or wonder if it could have turned out differently. You will know. At best you will reconnect. Probably not for long, but if you feel you should try - you should.
But the truth is, she is so much more then all this negative stuff and I feel like alot of this is trauma over losing her mother.
You can think whatever you want to think. How does she treat you? If one of you died tomorrow, what would someone who knows the both of you say about your relationship? He/She would say that she treated you like manure. You held up the mirror to her, and she swatted it away and blamed you for all of her misconduct rather than take the criticism like a mature person should. She's also probably using her mother's death as some excuse to escape from her personality. Maybe it's some sort of deep, hard-to-understand psychological complex -- like her mother repressed her and now she's experimenting with a new persona now that mother's no longer around to make her feel ashamed for such conduct. Whatever. The point is, you don't need any of it.
People like this need to bottom out some how. THey need to get to a point where they can recognize the consequences and the magnitude of their bad decision making, and then they need to own it, and work toward fixing their problems. She may get there, but she's obviously going to have to get to that point without your help. She's rejecting you outright, and there's nothing you can do. She'll continue to cheat. Her husband will eventually find out. That might be the tipping point, but who knows...she could well end up blaming him for being a boring husband and not giving her the excitement she believes she's entitled to. People like this have to change on their own. It has to get so bad to the point where she *wants* to change who she is. Again, that could take quite a while. Some people never get there.
That said, it's understandable the way you feel. You're having a hard time processing that the nasty person you see now is the person who was once so close to you. It's a part of your past that you miss. But it is what it is. Always deal with reality and respond only to that.
Or maybe it threw her into a crisis and she was acting out and really didn't need to hear that from someone who claimed to be her best friend. Maybe she befriended the "trashy" person you don't like because she wasn't getting the support she needed from those closest to her.
Have you ever lost a parent after a long, protracted illness in which they wasted away right before your eyes? It sucks. Big-time.
Regardless, grief can prompt people to do irrational things. I've seen people behave in ways that are complete 180s from their usual selves, take incredible risks, lash out in anger, hole up and not come out for months, you name it. You, as someone in your 30s, should be old enough to understand that. Instead of "going up to her" and demanding to know "what her problem was," you could have, and should have, handled it a bit more gently--especially considering that she was drunk at the time.
Does that excuse her from slapping your face? Of course not. But from the sound of your post, you threw gasoline on a fire and are wondering why it exploded. Regardless of her behavior, after you made that comment about her mother, you should have been mortified with yourself, because that's just not something someone who loves a friend would say to that friend. Honestly? Not that I would be proud of this, and of course I would regret it, but I might have slapped you in that situation, not for the husband comment, but for the "losing your mother made you an ahole" comment.
At any rate, she's not interested in your friendship, such as it is, anymore. Leave her alone.
I strongly disagree with the tone of this post. I lost a parent in my college years. It never would have dawned on me to use that as some sort of excuse to act like an ass to others. If someone has a crisis, it's their responsibility to get help and deal with it; it's not their friends' responsibility to look the other way when they're doing things like cheating on their husbands. If anything, I think a good friend has earned the right to address questionable conduct. There are ways to do that, and I agree that the remark was not helpful, but the poster's friend conduct - a long line of it - preceded the comment.
Let me be the reasoning voice. I lost my dad to a malignant brain tumor. It was unexpected and it is extremely rough despite what some people will tell you. I never had a good relationship with him and for years, hated myself that I didn't do more to be closer to him before he died. People deal with grief differently so don't judge her for it. I was in beginning college at the time and after he died, I broke down and just "let go" so to speak. I dropped out of college, hung around with bad friends and got wasted most of the time to forget the sorrow that I was going through. It sounds like your friend went through the same thing.
I spent several years like this until I was driving one day and just started breaking down crying while driving and I finally thought whether my father wanted to see me like this if he was alive. I sobered up, went back to school and moved on from then. It's not easy.
Like I said, people deal with grief very differently. There's a good reason why she's your best friend for 20 years. Stick with her through the good and the bad times because one day she'll wake up and say, "I wished you would have been there for me." Having friends are like having family. Despite all the bad that goes on, they're still family and you love them for it. Give her a call and empathize with her.
OP, I've been in a similar situation where a 20yr old friendship just... ended. Though, it wasn't completely acrimonious as yours.... the friend just up and "disappeared". Never returned an email, IM nor text. She was always "too busy" to talk to me (but had all the time for other mutual friends). I pressed on for an answer, only to get snarls. Ultimately, I had to back off and stay away from her because she was angry about something, though I never could find out what about.
I left her one last email apologizing for whatever wrong I have done and said she was an important friend to me, in spite of everything. And that if she ever needed someone, that my door would be open. But the one thing: Time is a great equalizer. Its been years and years since I've talked to her, and she now just started wanting to hang out and be buddy-buddy again. And I'm just over it, really.
The ball is now in your "friend's" court... let her decide what she wants to do. And accept whatever comes out of it. Its been two years already and it's still as fresh for you apparently. Odds may be that the both of you will never be friends again. Just relish in your other friends' companies and move on with your life.
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