Anyone have a friend or loved one in an abusive relationship? (wife, husband)

[ellenrr]

My friend of 35 years is in an emotionally abusive relationship and does not consider it abusive. She thinks he has an "anger management problem".
I listen to her, and then I must say nothing, because I have learned over the years if I say something, she withdraws, and I don't want her to do that. I think I am the only one she confides it.

So for example, she'll say "he was so bad today, I had to leave the house, and I'm afraid that while I'm gone he's going to throw out my posessions."

The next day, I call and ask how she is, and she says, "Oh everything is fine, we're cuddling and he's being loving, and he forgives me."

argh, I don't understand, I am totally baffled. In all other areas of her life she is sane and sensible and very strong.

[Katlakat]

I've been in this situation, and I'll help if I can. In my situation, I was the abused friend who was so deep in denial, I woke up without any friends or family. They refused to watch me suffer. I was alone and on my own and it got old after a while.

I am a recovering co-dependent. I lived my life in a reckless pattern of toxic relationships expecting to change people, their habits, and their choices, in order to comfort myself. I was helping them, right? I was always disappointed when they didn't do the things I demanded, and it was a toxic cycle that I didn't understand.

I had no self esteem, I felt powerless, and I allowed guilt, fear, shame, and abuse comfort me because those were feelings I had in my home growing up.

I can tell you this from experience: She is not going to listen to a word you say until she's ready to hear them. She has to want to be honest with herself first before she will be willing to take any advice from a book, therapy, or from you.

It took me a long long time before I was ready. I know it's hard to watch your friend suffer and I know what that powerlessness feels like to have your hands tied.

Stay true to yourself. Take care of your needs, your emotions, and your coping habits and be true. Be honest and live a wholehearted life. Leading by example works in some cases, and if she respects you to confide in you, she might take notice.

Be honest with her. If you can't be honest with her, you might need to re-evaluate your boundaries. Tough love worked for me, it might work for her. As long as you realize you can't change her, she has to live that journey on her own, you can just be there for her.

but always be honest.

[jim9251]

Sure have. And it breaks my heart. There's a cycle in domestic violence and it takes several times for the abused to finally leave. The abuser always makes the abused think it's their fault. "Why did you make me hit you"? My EX wife was mentally abusive, nothing I could do was right, she would demean and humiliate me to family and friends, leave little notes around "LOOSER". All because I didn't make as much money as she thought I should. Thing is, she left me. For someone who made more money. I'm much better now and have regained my confidence and self esteem.

[Mattie]

Yes, a very close friend is/was. And, we had no idea, despite being neighbors and socializing often. She finally had the impetus to initiate divorce proceedings when she realized her kids were speaking to her in the same derogatory way her husband did. It wasn't a clean break, because he became somewhat physically abusive during the process of splitting up the household.

Except for the financial hit, she's glad she got out when she did.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by ellenrr

My friend of 35 years is in an emotionally abusive relationship and does not consider it abusive. She thinks he has an "anger management problem".
I listen to her, and then I must say nothing, because I have learned over the years if I say something, she withdraws, and I don't want her to do that. I think I am the only one she confides it.

So for example, she'll say "he was so bad today, I had to leave the house, and I'm afraid that while I'm gone he's going to throw out my posessions."

The next day, I call and ask how she is, and she says, "Oh everything is fine, we're cuddling and he's being loving, and he forgives me."

argh, I don't understand, I am totally baffled. In all other areas of her life she is sane and sensible and very strong.

Just be patient. The fact that she is telling you some of the bad, means you're helping by listening. I think when she says something about him throwing out her possessions, you can take that as an opening and ask her if she thinks that's okay or if she likes living like that but don't press too hard.

Or if she says he forgives her, just ask if she believed she needed to be forgiven but keep it simple, don't try to lecture.

Emotional abuse comes on little by little, the abusers know how to start out and then keep adding and adding to it, and the victim keeps trying to justify everything. Some will get to a point where they can no longer live that way. Deep down she must know that having to leave her own house or worry he's going to throw out her things means she's not in a good relationship.