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I find it quite sad the person I hate in my life the most is my stepmother.
She is very immature and insecure, sometimes my own father needs to tell her off like she is his child. This has lasted for years, I am 22 now.
For example,
- She has laughed at my step sister (her own daughter) for having a moustach.
- She has told me that I am fat (when I'm not) countless times in my life.
- She has told her own daughter that her haircut is ugly.
I forgave all of this till last night when I invited her out for dinner with my close family (aunties and cousins) on my real mother's side, whom I only visit every three years or so as I live in another country. I heard her mentioning that I "peed the bed untill I was 13" in a nasty, teasing manner and she was laughing. She said this to my great uncle and his new partner. Firstly, all of this isin't even true. I find it very rude that she would bring up innappropriate things like this to MY family almost behind my back, and then she often wonders why I don't treat her like a mother.
I would love to love her. For a while I thought it was me being too harsh, but some of the things she says are just so rude. My real brother and sister also don't like her.
I can't really confront her about her behaviour as she is very rightous and never says sorry.
What should I do? Have you had any problems like this?
If you do not have to be around her then do not be around her for any reason. If you do live in the same home, when she goes into a room, leave it. Do not ever invite her with you anywhere and when she asks if she can go with you or why she was not invited tell her the truth. She is never going to change and continues to treat you like a doormat because you allow her to continue to treat you this way. Live your life without regard to her, what she says, does or thinks, end of story.
I concur on the low or no contact. If you have to be around her (family gatherings; visiting your father), look at her with a deadpan expression for a few moments when she makes those remarks, say "really? well ...." then change the subject. Don't vary your response; rinse and repeat. Ultimately, the repetitiveness of her nasty remarks, met by your indifference, will make her look even worse. It's almost guaranteed to make other people get up and walk away. When they do, join them; leave her isolated.
I find it quite sad the person I hate in my life the most is my stepmother.
She is very immature and insecure, sometimes my own father needs to tell her off like she is his child. This has lasted for years, I am 22 now.
For example,
- She has laughed at my step sister (her own daughter) for having a moustach.
- She has told me that I am fat (when I'm not) countless times in my life.
- She has told her own daughter that her haircut is ugly.
I forgave all of this till last night when I invited her out for dinner with my close family (aunties and cousins) on my real mother's side, whom I only visit every three years or so as I live in another country. I heard her mentioning that I "peed the bed untill I was 13" in a nasty, teasing manner and she was laughing. She said this to my great uncle and his new partner. Firstly, all of this isin't even true. I find it very rude that she would bring up innappropriate things like this to MY family almost behind my back, and then she often wonders why I don't treat her like a mother.
I would love to love her. For a while I thought it was me being too harsh, but some of the things she says are just so rude. My real brother and sister also don't like her.
I can't really confront her about her behaviour as she is very rightous and never says sorry.
What should I do? Have you had any problems like this?
Well my stepmother is also immature, nasty,ans insecure, so welcome to the club! She is also greedy and manipulative and has caused immense problems in my life and in those of my siblings.
She keeps us from my dad, tries to be friendly and pump us for information than twists what we say and uses it against us. She's truly wicked and she will never change.
She is 63. I am quite sure that she will never change. She has literally ruined my family and she installed incompetent members of her family in high paying positions in my fathers business.
I do not seek a friendship with her, and I stay away.
Why invite her to lunch with your aunts on your mother's side? See them separately and don't see her. Avoid her. You can't change your stepmom - or anyone else, for that matter.
Be happy that you have relative that you do get along with. Focus on them.
I find it quite sad the person I hate in my life the most is my stepmother.
She is very immature and insecure, sometimes my own father needs to tell her off like she is his child. This has lasted for years, I am 22 now.
For example,
- She has laughed at my step sister (her own daughter) for having a moustach.
- She has told me that I am fat (when I'm not) countless times in my life.
- She has told her own daughter that her haircut is ugly.
I forgave all of this till last night when I invited her out for dinner with my close family (aunties and cousins) on my real mother's side, whom I only visit every three years or so as I live in another country. I heard her mentioning that I "peed the bed untill I was 13" in a nasty, teasing manner and she was laughing. She said this to my great uncle and his new partner. Firstly, all of this isin't even true. I find it very rude that she would bring up innappropriate things like this to MY family almost behind my back, and then she often wonders why I don't treat her like a mother.
I would love to love her. For a while I thought it was me being too harsh, but some of the things she says are just so rude. My real brother and sister also don't like her.
I can't really confront her about her behaviour as she is very rightous and never says sorry.
What should I do? Have you had any problems like this?
It is sad that some people are so full of nastiness and bitterness. Her self-esteem must be desperately low. Maybe the marriage to your dad wasn't all she hoped for...oh well. That's HER problem, it doesn't have to become yours!
For this one thing, start pretending you are 52-year-old "you" instead of 22-year-old "you" and just smile and mentally hit the mute button. Trust me, dear by this age, you've been through so much life, you're more than willing to let the nasty alligators swim in that sewage of their own making, while you stay calm, happy, serene and smiling. If you think that doesn't make them rupture a nerve, just try what I suggest. You'll love the peace of mind that comes when you treat a nasty creature who acts like you describe, as a 'NON-factor" in your life.
Unless there is major money to be lost by not tolerating that patch of toxic sludge (your Stepmother), then my personal opinion is that you should cut her out of your life. She has deliberately set out to lower your value to your real family, by belittling you and coloring their perception of you with her vulgar talk (on subjects which decent people do not bring up in mixed company).
Your father has allowed her attacks on you. But anyway, if you want to see him again, you should make it clear that it won't happen if she is around.
When you have your kids, be sure she is banned from seeing you or your children. Do not let her ever meet them. She's evil, and has to be shunned.
My own mother had nothing but criticism for me. Luckily, she was mostly too inebriated to hurt me much, and I had the woods to escape to, when she was lucid and in an ugly mood. Then, one day, I walked out to the road without saying goodbye. A nice white lady who worked at our school drove me up to college, and that was that. I turned my back on her, and had nothing more to do with her.
Decades later, when the booze and drugs and cigs had pickled Mom's brain to the point where she could barely utter her insults, I set her up in a stage set of a mini-mansion. But I never let her filth pollute my marriage. DH and the kids never met her. A sickness like hers (and your stepmother's) has to be contained.
Cut her poison out of your life. You sound like a wonderful person, and deserve to grow, free of her stunting influence.
I agree with staying away. I wouldn't bother with snappy comebacks or blessing her heart even facetiously. She still gets to say her toxic rant. And that's what she wants. To say it and to be heard and for someone to be hurt.
Regardless of how the victims respond hearing this kind of thing will hurt the hearer. So nip her in the bud.
Here's the thing: if your stepmom really liked you, she wouldn't say ugly things about you to your relatives. She would go out of her way to be kind--if she really liked you.
I would not invite her to anything any more. You don't need someone in your life telling you that you are fat, or making up secrets to tell your relatives. Leave her alone. Be kind to your father, and you will get nowhere being mean to your stepmom so don't. Just leave her out of your life as much as possible.
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