Do you regret not having kids? Especially older ladies? (money, spouse, father)
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Many are, and many more are afraid of encountering anything and anyone that doesn't affirm their own life choices. But how secure can they really be in those choices if they need constant re-affirmation 24/7? Jeez don't they get enough from the mass media?!
I won't quote, but it's also dismaying how many people (here and IRL) give wholly selfish reasons for procreating. 'Who will be there to take care of you when you're old!!'
Reminds me of how many guys say "What? you're not married? Do you want to die alone?" And I bite my tongue but what I want to say in return is, "Have you told your wife about your own plan? Because if your plan is to avoid dying alone then your plan is for her to do so instead."
Of course women know this already. I think they figure, not without reason, that at least they'll get a decade or two of freedom after the old goat kicks off. I hope they enjoy it because, generally speaking, they sure have earned it by then.
Wise and honest words ---they are insecure and afraid of what does not affirm their own choices.Exactly.
I once had a therapist tell me that the most unhappy people she treated were middle-aged women with husbands and children who weren't satisfied with the way their lives had turned out. They didn't believe their husbands loved them anymore but they felt required to keep their marriage vows, and/or they didn't really like their now-adult children, and/or they were crushed by the fantasy of what they had missed in life while devoting themselves to others. NOTE: I am NOT suggesting this is the majority of women. I personally know many women who adore the results of the marriage and children they dedicated their lives to and who don't covet the single life in any way. But what I am suggesting is for every woman who regrets not having had kids, there are those who regret they did. Unfortunately, the choice a woman makes to become a parent, or not to become a parent, is pretty much irreversible. But for women, it pretty much is. For men, less so, given that society is much more able to forgive a man who abandons his family than a woman who does so.
You're, of course, correct with most of this, but why can't we be completely honest? You don't honestly believe it's about 50/50 anymore than I do. You go to malls, restaurants and see the same things I see - Multitudes of frazzled, angry parents. If you hooked mothers in the thirties up to polygraphs, you'd probably be lucky to get 30% who are happy with their decision. If we could just be honest about this stuff, maybe more would forego having kids. It's not a reflection of your character if you don't want to have kids. And think about how much better so many of our societal problems would be if the people who really don't want kids didn't have kids?
Years ago, when people got married in their early 20s and soon after had kids.. and the game started changing...
There was an article showing statistics where if you didn't have kids by the time you were 26, the odds went down significantly each year that you ever would.. because at 26, you're old enough to really start seeing what it all takes to raise a kid.
Where if you have them when you're super young.. you're to naive to get what it's all going to take.
What can happen is that often people tend to get very set in their ways after age 25 or so.
Just like people who marry young but divorce tend to keep getting married, while those who remain single will be less and less likely to marry --- everyone gets used to whatever it is they have for a lifestyle.
I think the only people who should have children are those who truly want to have them and can adjust their lifestyle for them. I'm all for most people just getting sterilized. There is no point in having children if you really don't like them or cannot relate to them. A lot of childless people I know would be pretty horrendous parents but every now and then you meet someone who has no kids who seems like they'd have been a great parent.
... It's not a reflection of your character if you don't want to have kids. And think about how much better so many of our societal problems would be if the people who really don't want kids didn't have kids?
Not only societal problems ... think how many of our PERSONAL problems would be better if people who didn't really want kids didn't have them, lol.
You are still young enough to do a safety net for later in life if you change your mind, extract your eggs now that are young and healthy and make your career. Later those same eggs IF you choose you can use with whomever you want to have children.
In my case I do have two boys from a previous relationship and had my tubes
Tied and cut becuase first husband didn't want any more kids. I was only 28 then. We got divorced and then met the love of my life second husband at age 39. He wanted and I want a kid together. We tried IVF twice but my eggs were to old.
I had the best mother anyone could ask for. She died suddenly when I was 20. After that I never had the desire to have children. I didn't have the self confidence to do raise them without her help/advice. I married a man with children from a previous marriage who didn't want any more. I think subconsciously that was part of his appeal. I wouldn't have to face my fear of motherhood; the decision was "out of my hands" so to speak. I'm 58 now. I do regret it to some extent - I realize now I probably would have been fine - that I had a good role model I could have emulated even if she wasn't physically there. However, there's no going back so it's useless to wallow in regrets. I think that's one reason there are very few childless women here that say they regret their decision, although I know there are some who absolutely never wanted them. Just saying that for some women, you know it's healthier to just accept the decision and not play the "if only......" game.
I try not to pass judgement on anyone who chooses to not have children for whatever reason.
My parents' terrible marriage convinced me early on never to get married. I still thought I wanted a child at some point, and in my late 30's became a bit sad realizing I couldn't possibly manage it working in a very demanding profession with no support to help me. I also worried I was being selfish for thinking of having a child alone.... particularly with so many needing to be adopted.
Do I regret it..... No. I am sure I will be lonely (?jealous) in my old age when I have no family and my peers have the support and safety net of a family, and I do worry a lot about this. However, I suspect I will die from cancer earlier then most, and have already decided I am ok with that. And as people say, you never know how your kids are going to turn out anyway.... you could still die alone even if you have kids.
What's funny is that when I wanted children when I was younger, I felt a little guilty... thinking that having children is a somewhat "selfish" road. But now I actually feel a little guilty for not having children because honestly... we have to re-populate.
My aging father has told me that he is disappointed in me for not "continuing the line". What a crock. I get those little gems on a regular basis, unfortunately.... I wonder if he ever realizes that telling me that he wishes he never married my mother, that he didn't want me when my mom got pregnant, and he doesn't even think I am his daughter.... that these gems are probably at the root of why he will never have a grandchild from me.
Last edited by sfcambridge; 08-03-2013 at 12:54 PM..
It actually takes a certain strength for someone to realize they really can't handle the stress and pressure, to admit they aren't cut out for parenting.
Far too many kids are abused and neglected or just not given the right guidance. It's better for children to have parents who truly want them and can afford them and will spend time with them.
You should be a parent if all the things parents do appeals to you but otherwise it's best to skip it.
Last edited by 7G9C4J2; 08-04-2013 at 08:02 AM..
Reason: Removed orphaned section (quoted post deleted)
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