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Look, you asked if it was silly to stop talking to your friend. Everyone here so far has pretty much said "yes," and explained why. If you already know your own answer, why are you asking the question?
I actually typed up a whole rant about this but I figure you don't want to read it. The short version is I don't want to be her friend if she's going to expect me to listen to her talk about other guys and be supportive of those relationships. Part of this is she has an affinity for losers and I can't help but take it personally when she has a thing for that kind of scum when she turned me down. With that I feel I'm already going outside of my usual comfort zone by remaining her friend after she shot me down, normally I'd just stop talking to her even if I did like her. In no way did the thinking "I'll stick around and maybe she'll change her mind" cross my mind.
What all that means is I'm not changing how I feel about this, I'd have to change some of my core beliefs for that. As a rule if someone is giving me an ultimatum and using the relationship as leverage I know its time to end the relationship. I'm normally a reasonable person and things rarely get to that point. The only thing I have any sort of concern about is if not talking to her is too extreme and is going to make things worse with us? I do want to show her that I'm serious in that I'm not going to continue being her friend if that's what she expects me to do. So that means I'm waiting for her to contact me about something else so I can reinforce that.
Look, you asked if it was silly to stop talking to your friend. Everyone here so far has pretty much said "yes," and explained why. If you already know your own answer, why are you asking the question?
That's fine that people said it was silly. I just don't agree with their reasoning in saying that I'm some sort of weirdo that hung around because I thought she was going to change her mind and now I should stick around for who knows what reason.
People who are friends, regardless of genders involved, listen to each other about happenings and troubles in their lives -- including (and especially) love life issues.
Granted, there are certain "levels" of friendship that would determine exactly how detailed these conversations get, but to declare that you'll be "just friends" while still essentially pretending she's not dating anyone is trying to play both sides of the table.
Regardless of what you say, I do believe that part of you was hoping she'd change her mind by seeing what was right in front of her instead of with these "losers." Which is absolutely an understandable reaction, and one that happens frequently. However, either she truly believes that you two are completely platonic friends (which isn't true on your end), or she's trying to emphasize that you are permanently in the friendzone. In my experience, the latter only happens when the person with feelings is still sending off "relationshippy" vibes to the person without feelings. You may not even realize you're doing it.
Friendship can really only happen if both participants are on the same page with their feelings towards each other. This is not the case here. I do think it would be silly to stop talking to her because of this, especially as you work together, but you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings here...and work through them.
Look, I have friends that seem prone to relationship drama. It's gotten better as we've gotten older, but there's still a friend or two that seems prone to disaster in the love life -- and it's the same mistakes every time. I don't like hearing about it, but not because I'm jealous, but because we're 30, and it's really time to start learning from one's mistakes. I would never remotely consider ending a friendship over it, though.
This sounds like a classic made for tv movie. In reality, it rarely works out that the friend becomes a romantic interest.
If she talks about other relationships and you don't want to hear about, speak up and say "you don't I don't want want to hear about." Don't expect her to remember some unspoken contract. If she is a friend, you can say this and she will honor it. If you can't say out loud, or she cannot accept that, then you need to move on.
This sounds like a classic made for tv movie. In reality, it rarely works out that the friend becomes a romantic interest.
If she talks about other relationships and you don't want to hear about, speak up and say "you don't I don't want want to hear about." Don't expect her to remember some unspoken contract. If she is a friend, you can say this and she will honor it. If you can't say out loud, or she cannot accept that, then you need to move on.
I made it clear to her twice. Now I'm not planning on never talking to her again, I just want to make this stick in her mind I'm not going to talk to her about any romantic relationships. That's really what I'm trying to achieve here.
I made it clear to her twice. Now I'm not planning on never talking to her again, I just want to make this stick in her mind I'm not going to talk to her about any romantic relationships. That's really what I'm trying to achieve here.
You're just going to sound like a jealous child to her. It will come off as petulant, and it will tell her you are still interested in her.
You're just going to sound like a jealous child to her. It will come off as petulant, and it will tell her you are still interested in her.
Then how do you suggest I get her to stop doing this? I do not want to hear about her relationship drama at all unless its something she absolutely needs my help with because she's in danger or something. I've told her not to talk about it and she still did so I feel just having a conversation with her isn't going to fix anything.
Also I don't care if she thinks I'm still interested in her. What negative consequences are there to that? She knows I'm attracted to her but she'd have to be pretty full of herself to think I'd be seriously interested in her after this.
*Those are both serious questions by the way, I would like to hear what you have to say.
EDIT: Here is my revised plan: I'm just waiting for her to talk to me about something else, anything else really. We're going to be at the same party in a week and I see her around frequently so we will interact. I'm not actively avoiding her. All I'm doing is I'm not going to contact her in anyway or make a point to talk to her until she does to me. Then if she wants we can talk about this, I assume she's going to have some questions.
Last edited by InternetTroll; 12-09-2013 at 12:31 PM..
I actually typed up a whole rant about this but I figure you don't want to read it. The short version is I don't want to be her friend if she's going to expect me to listen to her talk about other guys and be supportive of those relationships. Part of this is she has an affinity for losers and I can't help but take it personally when she has a thing for that kind of scum when she turned me down.
This says more about you than her.
You have no right to call these other guys "scum" and act like every guy she likes - who isn't you - is that type of person.
Either be her friend and accept the things that go with that or stop talking to her.
Then how do you suggest I get her to stop doing this? I do not want to hear about her relationship drama at all unless its something she absolutely needs my help with because she's in danger or something. I've told her not to talk about it and she still did so I feel just having a conversation with her isn't going to fix anything.
Also I don't care if she thinks I'm still interested in her. What negative consequences are there to that? She knows I'm attracted to her but she'd have to be pretty full of herself to think I'd be seriously interested in her after this.
*Those are both serious questions by the way, I would like to hear what you have to say.
EDIT: Here is my revised plan: I'm just waiting for her to talk to me about something else, anything else really. We're going to be at the same party in a week and I see her around frequently so we will interact. I'm not actively avoiding her. All I'm doing is I'm not going to contact her in anyway or make a point to talk to her until she does to me. Then if she wants we can talk about this, I assume she's going to have some questions.
The fact that she knows you are interested but still chooses to tell you about her love life is a bit selfish and disrespectful on her part, but perhaps she also really wants to get it through to you that she isn't interested.
As for where to go, you cannot really just cut her off, because as Lilac says, it makes you seem insecure/childish. My advice is to slowly but surely distance yourself from her (you cannot be friends with this person right now so why fake it?). Get to the point where your relationship is cordial/professional, in other words as I said before, treat her like any other co-worker. As for this current mess, this is one of the consequences of meeting people at work, which is why I strongly avoided this when single.
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