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I think it is my problem because all children should be treated equally. Again I do not want his treatment, I want him to have my treatment.
I enjoy my job. But obviously it is always on my mind that I could be not working at all and enjoying the weather some place warm. I just don't feel it is right. I feel screwed over.
Of course, children should be treated equally. But your parents aren't asking for advice on how they should parent nor how they should spend their money. You don't get to dictate the terms of how someone gets treated OR how they treat someone else. So no, it's not your "problem".
I get it. My sister is heavily favored and gets special treatment from my mom... I've already gotten to the point I don't really care and I don't let it get in the way of my relationship with my mother.
You're being shortsighted right now. If you're smart about it and all, think about it: who's going to have an easier retirement?
There is no need to cut off your parents because of the way they spend their money. It's none of your business if they support your brother, or buy themselves a new Mercedes. They help him for reasons known only to them, and it's really not your business as to the total spent, or the background as to why they assist him as they do. If they could not afford it, or they were asking you for assistance, then you would have a voice, but absent those conditions, stay out of it. Be thankful that you have the education and coping skills necessary to chart your own path in the world, and don't worry about your brother.
Outside of the money issue, do you like your brother? If so, then let the resentment go, and enjoy his company when you're together. If not, then the money is merely an excuse to explain why you do not like your brother, but you should not use that to create disharmony with your parents.
__________________
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.
~William Shakespeare (As You Like It Act II, Scene VII)
I feel your pain...and yes it is your business as your parents' son, that someone (even if it is one of their other children) is taking advantage of them in their later years. The best thing I would say is DO keep a decent relationship with your parents don't neglect them, out of resentment for what they do for deadbeat-bro. And try to check in with them on whether they are saving and managing adequately for all their living expenses. I've got a feeling this detail is going wanting while they are indulging their adult child. This could wash back on you, later on and you may have to shoulder financial items for them. It's not like your brother is going to do it. So you may have to figure out a way to have The Money Talk with them as regards living arrangements, living trusts, extended care, their savings and debts, etc. If one of them suffers catastrophic illness or some sudden financial setback, I think all your brother is going to do is take off for greener pastures and find a woman to live off of.
Favoritism hurts. I always let it roll off my back because my younger siblings were always the favorites. It became a very sore spot when it continued happening with my child. I can take whatever you dish out to me, but don't mess with my kid.
I had conversations with my mother over and over, had some fights, and realized I had two choices. Accept it or not see my mother. I accepted it, but on my terms. Meaning I see her if it doesn't interfere with my plans, nor cause my family problems. We have an okay relationship, but she will always favor the other grandchildren more, because she favors the other children more.
It is what it is. I did spend time being bitter, but it just wasn't worth it. I just changed the relationship, and quit trying so hard to make her love me as much as the other ones. And it is not like one of us turned out bad, all three of us are successful in our lives, and the adult grandchildren are also successful.
Showing favoritism via their money does hurt (no one said it didn't!), but the OP still needs to release his bitterness.
I have a feeling that it's not just the money in question - the money is a symptom, not the cause.
I also agree that the OP needs to let go of bitterness. I gave the example of how I did so - I successfully maintained (and am still maintaining) a warm relationship with my parents, even during a time that I believed my brother had actually convinced them to treat me unfairly in their will (rather, put my inherited assets into a trust that would greatly limit my access, while leaving him all the family real estate). I actually found out that this was in fact done (when my brother had his psychotic breakdown, my father and I had to pack up all his stuff and I found a copy of that will - which had since been changed - in his files). Yes, this has to do with money, but like I said, it's the symptom of the dysfunction, not the cause. The CAUSE was that my brother is extremely manipulative and he played the family dynamics like a drum for several decades, causing havoc in our family. My other brother coped by getting the hell out of Dodge and greatly limiting his interactions with my parents and other brother. I stayed and fought for justice - not just for myself but for my brother who had moved away. I believe in karma very strongly. I believed and still believe that if I stood firm for what was right and healthy and good, justice would play out in the end, and at age 50 I am seeing that this is true.
I wasn't hateful with my parents, but I've had to be firm and unwavering. First, I went to several years of counseling and learned about personal boundaries, enabling, etc. I worked through some issues involving forgiveness as well as taking full responsibility for my actions as an adult. I redefined (and this was hard but I insisted on it) the relationship between my parents and me - insisting on adult to adult rather than adult to child dynamics. This was particularly tough for my parents for some weird reason.
I had to maintain personal dignity and a calm demeanor with them, but I determined that when they started the BS, I was going to call them on it. Little example - when I graduated from high school, my parents didn't buy me any invitations, or send me on a trip or throw a party or do anything special. Well, they took me out to dinner and bought me a modest watch. I was thrilled with that. I remember distinctly my parents saying, "Sending out graduation invitations or announcements is nothing more than a cheap ploy to get people to send you money." OK. So I didn't do it, even though I was so naive that I didn't even realize this - I was just excited about graduating and wanted to announce my graduation to my relatives! Wow.
OK, fast forward ten years. I'm 28 years old and living several hours away. I receive, in the mail, one of the most ornate graduation invitations/announcements I've ever seen, complete with tissue paper, senior pictures (multiple poses - LOL) and engraved calling cards. It's an invitation to a big party to honor my brother's high school graduation, and a note saying that after the party, he and a group of his friends will be leaving for a week in Cancun - compliments of my parents.
WHAT? I mean, I guess with them it's one extreme or the other. You would think that at the least, if they're going to take this much of a different approach, they would simply leave me off the mailing list and keep it sort of on the downlow.
So I called their hand on it. I called them and said, "Sorry, but I won't be attending the party, or sending a gift or a check. Don't you recall telling me that graduation invitations are nothing but a cheap ploy to get people to send money?" There was a stunned silence on the other end.
When I went to college, my parents expected me to pay half my way and to work at least 20 hours a week. When my youngest brother went to college, he took 6 years to get a 4 year degree, and my parents paid 100 percent - and said they didn't expect him to work because he "needed to focus on his school work." They also gave him a credit card because "he couldn't eat the cafeteria food - it upset his stomach." OMG.
So I called their hand on that too - not in an inflammatory way, but in a laughing way. I did this over and over again through the years. Eventually - get this - THEY GOT IT. Too little too late to save my brother, but at least my parents have FINALLY grown a backbone and are able to establish their OWN boundaries and parameters with my brother - which is a great step in the right direction for ALL of us.
I did enjoy telling them that I reserve the right - because I have EARNED the right - to occasionally remind them that "I told them so."
I feel great - no bitterness at all. I let that go years ago after I realized that in spite of the hurt my parents and brother tried to perpetrate, I am emotionally healthy and confident. I didn't NEED their favor because I can stand on my own two feet.
I have a feeling that it's not just the money in question - the money is a symptom, not the cause.
I also agree that the OP needs to let go of bitterness. I gave the example of how I did so - I successfully maintained (and am still maintaining) a warm relationship with my parents, even during a time that I believed my brother had actually convinced them to treat me unfairly in their will (rather, put my inherited assets into a trust that would greatly limit my access, while leaving him all the family real estate). I actually found out that this was in fact done (when my brother had his psychotic breakdown, my father and I had to pack up all his stuff and I found a copy of that will - which had since been changed - in his files). Yes, this has to do with money, but like I said, it's the symptom of the dysfunction, not the cause. The CAUSE was that my brother is extremely manipulative and he played the family dynamics like a drum for several decades, causing havoc in our family. My other brother coped by getting the hell out of Dodge and greatly limiting his interactions with my parents and other brother. I stayed and fought for justice - not just for myself but for my brother who had moved away. I believe in karma very strongly. I believed and still believe that if I stood firm for what was right and healthy and good, justice would play out in the end, and at age 50 I am seeing that this is true.
I wasn't hateful with my parents, but I've had to be firm and unwavering. First, I went to several years of counseling and learned about personal boundaries, enabling, etc. I worked through some issues involving forgiveness as well as taking full responsibility for my actions as an adult. I redefined (and this was hard but I insisted on it) the relationship between my parents and me - insisting on adult to adult rather than adult to child dynamics. This was particularly tough for my parents for some weird reason.
I had to maintain personal dignity and a calm demeanor with them, but I determined that when they started the BS, I was going to call them on it. Little example - when I graduated from high school, my parents didn't buy me any invitations, or send me on a trip or throw a party or do anything special. Well, they took me out to dinner and bought me a modest watch. I was thrilled with that. I remember distinctly my parents saying, "Sending out graduation invitations or announcements is nothing more than a cheap ploy to get people to send you money." OK. So I didn't do it, even though I was so naive that I didn't even realize this - I was just excited about graduating and wanted to announce my graduation to my relatives! Wow.
OK, fast forward ten years. I'm 28 years old and living several hours away. I receive, in the mail, one of the most ornate graduation invitations/announcements I've ever seen, complete with tissue paper, senior pictures (multiple poses - LOL) and engraved calling cards. It's an invitation to a big party to honor my brother's high school graduation, and a note saying that after the party, he and a group of his friends will be leaving for a week in Cancun - compliments of my parents.
WHAT? I mean, I guess with them it's one extreme or the other. You would think that at the least, if they're going to take this much of a different approach, they would simply leave me off the mailing list and keep it sort of on the downlow.
So I called their hand on it. I called them and said, "Sorry, but I won't be attending the party, or sending a gift or a check. Don't you recall telling me that graduation invitations are nothing but a cheap ploy to get people to send money?" There was a stunned silence on the other end.
When I went to college, my parents expected me to pay half my way and to work at least 20 hours a week. When my youngest brother went to college, he took 6 years to get a 4 year degree, and my parents paid 100 percent - and said they didn't expect him to work because he "needed to focus on his school work." They also gave him a credit card because "he couldn't eat the cafeteria food - it upset his stomach." OMG.
So I called their hand on that too - not in an inflammatory way, but in a laughing way. I did this over and over again through the years. Eventually - get this - THEY GOT IT. Too little too late to save my brother, but at least my parents have FINALLY grown a backbone and are able to establish their OWN boundaries and parameters with my brother - which is a great step in the right direction for ALL of us.
I did enjoy telling them that I reserve the right - because I have EARNED the right - to occasionally remind them that "I told them so."
I feel great - no bitterness at all. I let that go years ago after I realized that in spite of the hurt my parents and brother tried to perpetrate, I am emotionally healthy and confident. I didn't NEED their favor because I can stand on my own two feet.
Egad. If that story was made into a movie, it would either be an over-the-top comedy or a horror flick. I'm really impressed with how you handled it. I don't think I would have had the patience.
Parents can be conditioned as easily as their kids.
You'll always have the independent one (usually, but not always the oldest) who mows lawns, buys what they need from an extremely early age, and then along comes the needy/clingy one that has their hand out. The parents get used to paying for the needy one.
Then along comes expensive college.
No one in the room expects anything to change, but it has. So he gets his bills paid and you get to pay yours.
Sucks, doesn't it?
Little example - when I graduated from high school, my parents didn't buy me any invitations, or send me on a trip or throw a party or do anything special. Well, they took me out to dinner and bought me a modest watch. I was thrilled with that. I remember distinctly my parents saying, "Sending out graduation invitations or announcements is nothing more than a cheap ploy to get people to send you money." OK. So I didn't do it, even though I was so naive that I didn't even realize this - I was just excited about graduating and wanted to announce my graduation to my relatives! Wow.
OK, fast forward ten years. I'm 28 years old and living several hours away. I receive, in the mail, one of the most ornate graduation invitations/announcements I've ever seen, complete with tissue paper, senior pictures (multiple poses - LOL) and engraved calling cards. It's an invitation to a big party to honor my brother's high school graduation, and a note saying that after the party, he and a group of his friends will be leaving for a week in Cancun - compliments of my parents.
WHAT? I mean, I guess with them it's one extreme or the other. You would think that at the least, if they're going to take this much of a different approach, they would simply leave me off the mailing list and keep it sort of on the downlow.
So I called their hand on it. I called them and said, "Sorry, but I won't be attending the party, or sending a gift or a check. Don't you recall telling me that graduation invitations are nothing but a cheap ploy to get people to send money?" There was a stunned silence on the other end.
OMG UNBELIEVABLE!
To the OP:
By the time you turn 40, you'll hopefully realize that parents are just strangers we happen to be related to by some kind of coincidence. Your run of the mill jackasses, if you will.
Save yourself the decade or whatever and learn this now. The level of contact you want is what you "should" do. For the right reasons. LOTS Of us have screwed up families. It happens. Remove yourself from toxic situations and focus on the kind of person YOU want to be , and want to be around.
When I start to feel sorry for myself because, she or he has one bigger or faster or prettier than me..I take a moment to look at those around me who arent so fortunate and realise that I have no reason to complain..I was in Montreal recently where i saw some homeless guy with telephone books strapped to his feet to serve as shoes so his feet could get some protection from the snow...and then there are the kids in Malawi who cant go to school because their dead parents cannot, even if they were alive, afford to pay the $40 a year to educate them. My advice to you..look beyond your own petty little world - go out and do something that will make a difference to those who are less fortunate and then you might begin to appreciate what you have rather than complain about what you havent. You never know, happiness may fill the void before you realise it.
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