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How does he even know for sure that they are dipping into their retirement funds?
Funds can come from anywhere, stocks, bonds, cash flow savings accounts, home equity, work, a term life insurance policy they set up for him, etc. I think there is a lot the OP is assuming in this area. He doesn't know specifically where the money is coming from and it may be coming from sources he may not be aware of.
You know, if the parents are able to support the brother without jeopardizing their long-term financial picture, I think the OP should move on and not let this trouble him anymore. Don't even question the parents' intentions--just let it be.
But we know so little about the parents. Are they wealthy? Are they elderly?
I think there's two ways to look at this: 1) I'm unhappy because my parents are being unfair. Or 2) I'm unhappy because my brother is creating financial stress for my parents. If it's 1, get over it. If it's 2, get prepared to help your parents eventually (and possibly your brother, if you are so inclined).
We don't even have any information about how much money they have and notice how the OP doesn't even talk about that nor does he express concern about the future aspect. If it was the case where the OP expressed concern about their future finances and they continued to give, that would be one thing... but that's not what he's even looking at. It's very specific... he's holding a huge grudge about how "easy" his brother has it. That's where the drama's coming from.
That isn't drama. That is just him moaning. That is just his personal feelings coming into play. You think it is only about the brother receiving special treatment. It's actually about the consequences in the future. Big difference. The OP shouldn't have to mention their exact financial details on this forum just for that to be known. The OP believes they are spending it haphazardly. Yes it is their money but if they blow it then don't help them. They will have deserved to suffer for their stupidity.
That isn't drama. That is just him moaning. That is just his personal feelings coming into play. You think it is only about the brother receiving special treatment. It's actually about the consequences in the future. Big difference. The OP shouldn't have to mention their exact financial details on this forum just for that to be known. The OP believes they are spending it haphazardly. Yes it is their money but if they blow it then don't help them. They will have deserved to suffer for their stupidity.
Your parents know their financial situation better than you, so if they are not complaining about helping him then I would leave it alone. I understand your point of view but what your parents are doing is nothing unusual and many people out there can relate to your situation. however, your brother should keep in mind that your parents are not going to be around forever and he needs to be able to stand on his own sooner or later. May be you should try to get that message to him, like what is he going to do after they are gone. Hopefully you wont have to worry about that anytime soon but that is a reality check. I agree with yellow jacket on this.
Your parents know their financial situation better than you, so if they are not complaining about helping him then I would leave it alone. I understand your point of view but what your parents are doing is nothing unusual and many people out there can relate to your situation. however, your brother should keep in mind that your parents are not going to be around forever and he needs to be able to stand on his own sooner or later. May be you should try to get that message to him, like what is he going to do after they are gone. Hopefully you wont have to worry about that anytime soon but that is a reality check.
Not really because no contact can also force his brain to shift to something else. Do you think he has to stay in contact? He doesn't have to just as the parents don't have to quit being a crutch. It would be better for him because keeping in contact is just keeping yourself available as an option for them. Pretty much while this has nothing to do with him. They can get him involved. Plus he can't stand his brother and he would be better off cutting them off. He deserves better methinks.
In my book you don't completely cut your parents or siblings out of your life unless they do something absolutely horrible to you.
He needs to learn to say no if the need arises. However, he said he has a good relationship with his parents. Why would he want to throw that away to make a point? That's petty and he even mentioned that would be punishment for him too. Also, at some point, something tragic could happen to him and he could need some assistance from family through no fault of his own. If this happens, he won't have them to go to (and frankly probably no one in the family as cutting off three people could easily lead to others cutting him off).
That stinks, I can relate. My mom does everything for my brother, and begrudges me and my sister any help. Thankfully I'm in a position (and so is my sister) where we don't need it, but at least my mother isn't sending my brother money. My brother lives off of her completely free and it's frustrating when he's in his 20s and when we were his age we were on our own. At least my mom has conceded and told him if he moves out she won't pay his bills.
That being said, OP, I'd just ask your parents HOW they are affording to help your brother with so much. I guess I'd say you are concerned about their finances and what happens when the money is gone and they have nothing for themselves?
That being said, if they can afford it (for now), let it go. If they complain and say they can't afford it, I'd gently remind them that lots of parents do NOT pay for their kids college. I'm paying for my own, hubby is paying for his. I wouldn't say one WORD about you, but only about your brother, that they need to slowly start cutting the money (so they can have it for THEMSELVES) and let their son be an adult. Just push gently, maybe even have them remove one thing at a time, and even say give this son a few months warning. "We will only pay your student loan payments for the next 3 months, you need to find a full time job OR get a financial hardship deferment." WHICH he can do for up to 3 years, he'll still accumulate interest, but he won't have payments.
Sounds like your parents are just stuck and don't know what to do.
This is so common I swear it should be a reality show... "Independence Impossible" or something lol.
I went through that as well with my brother. Everything I worked for was handed to him by his adoring mother. She was just the woman that gave birth to me. They had a bond that her and I never shared, consequently I was treated like the unwanted step child. When my brother grew into a useless needy adult he became her drinking buddy. They were text book codependents. He took from her until the day she died at 62. It's been over ten years since I've seen him and I don't even know if he's alive and don't really care. We were never close and he's just a stranger to me now. There was a lot of resentment for me growing up and watching him get all the love and money but now I think about how incredibly sick it was on both parts. I see the same thing in my husbands family. Only there's three adults and two grandchildren sucking my mother-in-law dry. My husband is always left out in the cold but we never ask for anything. We believe that we should be taking care of her and not the other way around. The resentment has given way to disgust and understanding that a mother who loves their children will do anything for them no matter how sick and dysfunctional it may be. If you want your parents to treat you the way they treat your siblings just be as weak, needy and pathetic as they are. I always had too much pride and never needed my mother to coddle me and powder my bottom. For her maybe that created some resentment towards me and she focused her attention on the weak needy one. I don't know. All I know is that my parents did me a favor. I'm very successful today and my brother probably still a total loser. Go live your life and make it successful. You will be doing yourself a favor in the greater scheme of things.
Well, I certainly hear a lot of resentment...and a lot of judgement about the brother.
I was the needy and weak one between my brother and me...yet HE was the one who got all the love...he was the "good kid" and I was the "bad kid."
This continued till after my dad finally kicked the bucket and good riddance to him, too. the only thing my dad ever managed to hold onto in life was a twelve-dollar bottle of whiskey to make sure it would not fly away.
After my dad's death, mom and I rebuilt our relationship, and became very close. After I got ruined by Hurricane Katrina, I wound up having to move home, at age 34, a complete and total loser at life. And I was a wreck. So much so that I wound up on disability for a number of years for severe depression.
I have battled lifelong chronic acute depression of the agitated type. I have since built myself back, launched my own business, and relinquished the disability payments I no longer need. In that time frame, the economy collapsed, and my mother lost both her jobs.
We are now squatting in this house, waiting for the foreclosure hammer to come down...mom declared bankruptcy last year.
Even though I could support myself and move out now, I never have. Why should I...mom and I get along well...and now SHE is the one who needs MY help.
When we move out of state later this year, I am the one buying the house, and she will be living with me - Even had she not helped me back when she did- and did not have to...I would still help her now.
The point of all this - surface appearances can be deceiving and no situation is truly static. Perhaps OP's brother will, as I did, catch lightning in a bottle and rebuild/build his life. At that point, it may occur to him to take care of his parents as they once did him.
So...the judgements about the brother may not be right (admittedly the OP gave a background, but, I'm sure painted his brother in the worst possible light) and I think the hate shown towards the brother is not very pretty.
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