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Sage but I am frustrated nonetheless. Why can I not have it that easy? It will catch up with him eventually but he has had 10 lazy years I will never have.
Listen, my parents have bent over backwards and given the moon, sun, and earth to my older brother. I mean, every. thing. He has never had to struggle, ever, because of them.
And you know, for many years? That pissed me off because I could NEVER get help when I needed it. I was left to fend for myself, and there were some very difficult times...I have a very good idea how you feel.
However, I finally discovered that all of that did nothing for me. Being pissed off about it, jealous about it, envious, hurt by it, etc, never did a thing for me. That is what they chose to do; show their favoritism, it was not going to change. He got a nice, easy ride, I did not. And it would never change no matter how annoyed or hurt I was.
You have to let it go.
That is all that you can do. How they choose to spend their money is their business, and while it's a hard pill to swallow, being upset about it does nothing for you.
I mean this sincerely when I say, for your own healthy mind: Let. It. Go. And you know, you may very well go through life without a single person validating how you feel. Lord knows I have. Validate it with yourself, and then find something healthier to concentrate on.
Unless the OP's parents are wealthy, the continued gravy train to the older brother could result in some serious financial hurt for the parents in their later years. Then who will help support the parents? The older bro who took and took and took and has nothing to show for it in 15 or 20 years, or the OP who found his own way and made something of himself?
I have experience with this. The responsible sibs in my family are helping out my parents (paying bills, providing a place to live, etc.) while the irresponsible sibs keep going to them for $20 here and $50 there. "I got a speeding ticket and need $305" --that kind of stuff. And it's only SS now, because the savings got wiped out in the crash of '08, so these small amounts add up. But we responsible ones don't give my parents cash anymore because we know where it would go. It hurts to tell mom that you can't give her $500, but when you know that she's in a bind because she paid that speeding ticket for the irresponsible sib, it hurts a little less. So the better choice is to take her grocery shopping and pay the bill.
I may have been the OP 20 years ago. I'll admit it--I used to be jealous back then when I was much younger and saw the irresponsible ones having cars bought for them and getting their bills paid. Now there's nothing to be jealous about. The feeling now is more pity. And caution--because when my parentspass on, who will they come to for help?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kutra11
To put it nicely, "Their money, their kid. None of your business. Stay out of it."
Normally I would totally agree with you, kutra, but I can definitely see jjpops point about parents spending all their retirement money on an adult child and then having to ask their other adult children for financial help.
I have read numerous threads about that on the caregiving forum over the past years.
And, the threads often included jjpops final caution about the irresponsible siblings coming to the responsible siblings for help after the parents die.
OP cut them off. Tell your parents and your brother to buzz off. Your parents are likely going down a path which will lead to financial ruin for both of them and your brother. Let them rot and it won't hurt you as you are perfectly stable. Once you cut them off then they may consider why you did and where they could have been more cognizant. You don't want such an arsehole or a leech in your life. Once your parents die then guess who your brother will come running to? You. Cut them off and live well. That will give them the proverbial middle finger that you need to deliver.
OP cut them off. Tell your parents and your brother to buzz off. Your parents are likely going down a path which will lead to financial ruin for both of them and your brother. Let them rot and it won't hurt you as you are perfectly stable. Once you cut them off then they may consider why you did and where they could have been more cognizant. You don't want such an arsehole or a leech in your life. Once your parents die then guess who your brother will come running to? You. Cut them off and live well. That will give them the proverbial middle finger that you need to deliver.
Cut them off? As in no contact? OP isn't financially supporting his parents or his brother. No contact seems far too extreme.
Cut them off? As in no contact? OP isn't financially supporting his parents or his brother. No contact seems far too extreme.
Not really because no contact can also force his brain to shift to something else. Do you think he has to stay in contact? He doesn't have to just as the parents don't have to quit being a crutch. It would be better for him because keeping in contact is just keeping yourself available as an option for them. Pretty much while this has nothing to do with him. They can get him involved. Plus he can't stand his brother and he would be better off cutting them off. He deserves better methinks.
Not really because no contact can also force his brain to shift to something else. Do you think he has to stay in contact? He doesn't have to just as the parents don't have to quit being a crutch. It would be better for him because keeping in contact is just keeping yourself available as an option for them. Pretty much while this has nothing to do with him. They can get him involved. Plus he can't stand his brother and he would be better off cutting them off. He deserves better methinks.
He wants his parents to say "No". Are we assuming now that he can't say "No"?
The OP himself said he has a great relationship with his parents, other than this "issue". And doesn't want to give it up.
He wants his parents to say "No". Are we assuming now that he can't say "No"?
The OP himself said he has a great relationship with his parents, other than this "issue". And doesn't want to give it up.
I never assumed that he can't say no. He can by saying no to dealing with them and their drama. If he still wants to then he shouldn't whine. Cutting them off really would be the only way to get the point across and they still may be too oblivious to get it. If he has such a great relationship then why does he care about them spending money how he sees fit.
I never assumed that he can't say no. He can by saying no to dealing with them and their drama. If he still wants to then he shouldn't whine. Cutting them off really would be the only way to get the point across and they still may be too oblivious to get it. If he has such a great relationship then why does he care about them spending money how he sees fit.
Did you read the OP?
He's looking at his older brother and sees that he has it "too easy" with support of the parents' money. It doesn't sound like the parents are bringing the drama... the OP is. He's wanting them to stop giving money to the brother... and getting mad because the parents are not getting why he's upset about this situation.
He's looking at his older brother and sees that he has it "too easy" with support of the parents' money. It doesn't sound like the parents are bringing the drama... the OP is. He's wanting them to stop giving money to the brother... and getting mad because the parents are not getting why he's upset about this situation.
I did and I don't need your useless and only partially accurate explanation. His parents are starting the drama by doing this. How much money do they truly have. I bet it isn't enough to support the rate they are going. The point is that he could be another character in this eventually. The parents don't understand the potential danger then people will get mad if the danger comes into fruition then he smugly tells them to shove it.
We don't even have any information about how much money they have and notice how the OP doesn't even talk about that nor does he express concern about the future aspect. If it was the case where the OP expressed concern about their future finances and they continued to give, that would be one thing... but that's not what he's even looking at. It's very specific... he's holding a huge grudge about how "easy" his brother has it. That's where the drama's coming from.
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