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I am extremely family oriented. None of the kids in my family live near home anymore, but I live the closest and visit a few times a month. My younger brother and I have never had any issues. We get along great. But the older brother?
Can't stand.
He has made a life for himself in California and works an easy part-time job while my parents pay off his student loans (they don't pay mine and have talked about stopping paying my younger brother's.) They paid his rent for 2 years while he lived in Brooklyn while he "went to school" which he never actually did -- he went to like 5 different schools and never came out with a degree. Now he is in California and he and his even worse girlfriend talk about how money is stupid and they only buy organic food. Easy for them to say. And look, I'm not a Republican, I don't idealize Capitalism whatsoever, but it disgusts me that he lives off my parents and is so cavalier about money. Like, if I could get away from the snow and eat all organic and not have to worry about money I'd be chill and smoking pot all day too.
Whoa, obviously I am bitter as hell over all this. But anytime I bring this up to my parents, I become the bad guy. They take it as me asking them for money. No, I am not asking you for money, I am asking you to stop giving him money.
I can ignore this most of the time because I only see him once a year and I never return his calls, but since I was forced to deal with him for a week during Christmas, it is fresh on my mind again. What in the world can I do? I need my parents to cut the ****. I am considering cutting off visits to them, but honestly I enjoy visiting them a lot so that would hurt me too. But I don't know what else I could do to make them see my point of view.
No one was ever enriched by counting other people's money.
Sage but I am frustrated nonetheless. Why can I not have it that easy? It will catch up with him eventually but he has had 10 lazy years I will never have.
Your parents paying your brother's debts really isn't your problem. Shoot, it shouldn't be a "problem" at all. If they were complaining, then tell them they reaped what they sowed.
Otherwise, turn a blind eye and deaf ear to this issue. When your parents' time come, your brother is going to come to you-- you can smugly slam the door on him then... You'll probably feel real good and realize then that your parents had cut you a bigger favor than they did him.
I am extremely family oriented. None of the kids in my family live near home anymore, but I live the closest and visit a few times a month. My younger brother and I have never had any issues. We get along great. But the older brother?
Can't stand.
He has made a life for himself in California and works an easy part-time job while my parents pay off his student loans (they don't pay mine and have talked about stopping paying my younger brother's.) They paid his rent for 2 years while he lived in Brooklyn while he "went to school" which he never actually did -- he went to like 5 different schools and never came out with a degree. Now he is in California and he and his even worse girlfriend talk about how money is stupid and they only buy organic food. Easy for them to say. And look, I'm not a Republican, I don't idealize Capitalism whatsoever, but it disgusts me that he lives off my parents and is so cavalier about money. Like, if I could get away from the snow and eat all organic and not have to worry about money I'd be chill and smoking pot all day too.
Whoa, obviously I am bitter as hell over all this. But anytime I bring this up to my parents, I become the bad guy. They take it as me asking them for money. No, I am not asking you for money, I am asking you to stop giving him money.
I can ignore this most of the time because I only see him once a year and I never return his calls, but since I was forced to deal with him for a week during Christmas, it is fresh on my mind again. What in the world can I do? I need my parents to cut the ****. I am considering cutting off visits to them, but honestly I enjoy visiting them a lot so that would hurt me too. But I don't know what else I could do to make them see my point of view.
I feel your pain. For twenty very long years, I watched my parents enable and coddle my youngest brother, something they definitely did NOT do with my other younger brother or me, the oldest. I had to learn how to establish my own parameters with them, and I called their hand on things every time - but I had to train myself to do it in an unemotional way. After all, I am a successful adult and even though it drove me crazy to watch them "spoil" him, I would never have traded places with him.
Eventually he was diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic - after he had finally alienated everyone in his life, including the parents who had tried (eventually unsuccessfully) to shield him from the ramifications of his increasingly odd behaviors. Very sad, but it was inevitable.
I am glad that I didn't throw in the towel on my relationship with my parents - or even with him. It was very tough at times, but worth the investment of energy. Now I can be there for my parents, who have suffered a lot of sorrow and self questioning and heartache over all this.
You are wise not to give up on your parents, but I hope you can find a balance and find a way to call them out on it - gently and yet persistently. Your brother's life will NOT come together in the long run on this route, and eventually your parents may realize that you have been wise and patient all along. Unless they are abusive or disrespectful to you, I would recommend that you try to maintain a loving relationship with them - WITHIN healthy parameters.
Your parents paying your brother's debts really isn't your problem. Shoot, it shouldn't be a "problem" at all. If they were complaining, then tell them they reaped what they sowed.
Otherwise, turn a blind eye and deaf ear to this issue. When your parents' time come, your brother is going to come to you-- you can smugly slam the door on him then... You'll probably feel real good and realize then that your parents had cut you a bigger favor than they did him.
I think it is my problem because all children should be treated equally. Again I do not want his treatment, I want him to have my treatment.
I enjoy my job. But obviously it is always on my mind that I could be not working at all and enjoying the weather some place warm. I just don't feel it is right. I feel screwed over.
I feel your pain. For twenty very long years, I watched my parents enable and coddle my youngest brother, something they definitely did NOT do with my other younger brother or me, the oldest. I had to learn how to establish my own parameters with them, and I called their hand on things every time - but I had to train myself to do it in an unemotional way. After all, I am a successful adult and even though it drove me crazy to watch them "spoil" him, I would never have traded places with him.
Eventually he was diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic - after he had finally alienated everyone in his life, including the parents who had tried (eventually unsuccessfully) to shield him from the ramifications of his increasingly odd behaviors. Very sad, but it was inevitable.
I am glad that I didn't throw in the towel on my relationship with my parents - or even with him. It was very tough at times, but worth the investment of energy. Now I can be there for my parents, who have suffered a lot of sorrow and self questioning and heartache over all this.
You are wise not to give up on your parents, but I hope you can find a balance and find a way to call them out on it - gently and yet persistently. Your brother's life will NOT come together in the long run on this route, and eventually your parents may realize that you have been wise and patient all along. Unless they are abusive or disrespectful to you, I would recommend that you try to maintain a loving relationship with them - WITHIN healthy parameters.
Sibling rivalry. Life is not fair. It will be best for you to actively try to not compete with your brother and focus on yourself and your good relationship with your parents. Maybe get some therapy to find a way to be less bitter about the situation.
I felt screwed over, too, a lot, with my older brother. He got everything, I got nothing. Growing up, he was "good kid" and I was "bad kid."
I watched him walk all over people in his life, and climb his way up to a corporate executive position I totally felt he did not deserve. He kissed ass all above him and he crushed all beneath him into the ground.
Meanwhile, I struggled working three jobs at some times, sometimes being unemployed and a check away from living in a cardboard box.
Then, I got ruined by Hurricane Katrina. I had to move back home at age 34, to PA...a total failure at life. I wound up with the worst battle I had ever had in my life with depression (I suffer from lifelong chronic acute depression of the agitated type)
I spent years on disability and going back to school to re-invent myself, and worked part-time at an answering service. Just last year, my efforts all finally paid off, I launched my own successful small business. I now have a five year contract with my current client.
And my brother? He got canned. He still hasn't found another job, and I know he's in for a rude disappointment now, because he is NOT going to land as far up that ladder as he WAS. He's going to get a dose of humility. for the first time in his LIFE, he is going to have to hardscrabble and work for something.
You know some of those people where you just look at them and say, "Jeez, it is just INCREDIBLE how lucky some a-holes can get!" That was my brother. And very undeserving of all his good luck, too. I resented him for years over it.
In the end, I have wound up in the better position now. and it is solid, because it is something I built myself - nothing got handed to me. While it was harder than it could have been, maybe even harder than it should have been...in the end, I am now reaping the rewards of the years of struggle and hard work. The same will, in time, happen to your brother, OP...and you'll find you are in the better position.
Hate and resentment are the poisons we drink hoping the other person will die.
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