Successfully transitioning out of a parent-child relationship? (personality, conversation, college)
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I have three sons so have gone through this with each. Fortunately, it was pretty seamless as they all went away to college and came home on breaks and summers.
We had worked out the details long before they finished college. They each came home from college for a while until they got jobs and moved out. Laundry- I am not the laundress. If the guys wanted their clothes washed, they could do it on their own. They did at college so they could do it at home. They all leaned how to work a washing machine/ dryer by the time they were nine.
Their dad & I have a formal dinner in the dining room at a fairly set time every night. If they'd like to join us, they could- there was always plenty of food. If they didn't they could make themselves something or have whatever leftovers they found in the fridge. They all know how to cook,- rudimentary to good depending on the son - lol. Cleaning up after themselves was mandatory. That was a lesson learned from childhood, it wasn't something that had to be learned at 21. Never a problem with leaving things around the house. They also from learned from childhood to stow it in their rooms. As adults they could close their doors and I wouldn't go in.
Two sons we never charged rent as they were only home for a few months until they moved on to jobs and their own places. One son stayed home for almost a year even though he was working . He was charged a small rent after the first few months home when he did get a job.
As far as working around the house, it was always understood that of you lived at home, you pulled your own weight. You were part of a family, you were not a special snowflake that got catered to. Go help outside, go clean the basement, etc. This was an expectation enforced from childhood.
There were never any curfews, the boys could some and go as they wished- they were young men in their early twenties and we weren't going to treat them as kids. We only asked that they give us a general idea of where they might be if they weren't going to come home at night- just in case of emergency. ( this was in the days prior to cell phones- I'm no spring chicken.)
I think that's pretty much the way we'll handle it too. I have no intention of doing his dishes, or cleaning his room, that's for sure, but he wouldn't expect me to. That much we instilled in him!
I'm surprised no young adults seem to have chimed in with how they felt about moving back home. I thought there were several regular posters on this forum.
I think this is overly simplistic. I highly doubt Mattie raised him to be clueless
These are kids who have lived away from home for years. They have fallen into their own habits, as college students will do. Our children become adults and sometimes the choices they make and how they choose to live (as in keeping house etc) are different than how they've been taught or been expected to when they've been young children under their parent's control. Do YOU do everything the same way that your parents did? I doubt it. We all grow up, move out and come into our own, and make our own choices. Relearning to live according to someone else's expectations and navigating adult children returning home and living there temporarily is a challenge. I do think that a discussion is in order and that expectations should be made clear but I don't think it's the same thing as saying anyone was "raised to be clueless".
I do as they do/did when I am in their house, yes.
To do otherwise is the height of jerkery.
And, yeah. Some people really ARE that clueless. Boys more than girls, I have noticed. Then the whole thing continues when they move in with their wives who have the same complaint (I have heard a million times from a million chicks): How come they don't just notice xyz needs to be done and do it? Wanna know why, ladies? Bc of their parents.
Btw, the op is the one who said he was clueless. And I believe her based on what I have seen.
"He's a good guy, but not exactly observant of things that need doing, or our regular routines."
I think that's pretty much the way we'll handle it too. I have no intention of doing his dishes, or cleaning his room, that's for sure, but he wouldn't expect me to. That much we instilled in him!
I'm surprised no young adults seem to have chimed in with how they felt about moving back home. I thought there were several regular posters on this forum.
I do as they do/did when I am in their house, yes. To do otherwise is the height of jerkery.
And, yeah. Some people really ARE that clueless. Boys more than girls, I have noticed. Then the whole thing continues when they move in with their wives who have the same complaint (I have heard a million times from a million chicks): How come they don't just notice xyz needs to be done and do it?
Btw, the op is the one who said he was clueless. And I believe her based on what I have seen.
Well yes, you are a grown woman, of course you get it. Young adults directly out of college, used to living with other young adults for whom housekeeping is not high on the priority list, are a different breed. It might have to be pointed out. And "clueless" in that situation, may not because they were "raised to be clueless" as you indicated, but where they are in life right now just makes things...not as obvious as it might otherwise be. Once they're told, they'll most likely be in agreement. It just isn't in the forefront of their minds now, at "home" when they are used to only being there for a few days at a time over the last several years.
Well yes, you are a grown woman, of course you get it. Young adults directly out of college, used to living with other young adults for whom housekeeping is not high on the priority list, are a different breed. It might have to be pointed out. And "clueless" in that situation, may not because they were "raised to be clueless" as you indicated, but where they are in life right now just makes things...not as obvious as it might otherwise be. Once they're told, they'll most likely be in agreement. It just isn't in the forefront of their minds now, at "home" when they are used to only being there for a few days at a time over the last several years.
I was 22. Fresh home from 5 years of college.
If you were never taught to notice, you are unlikely to notice.
If you were never taught to notice, you are unlikely to notice.
Not necessarily. I think some people are simply more observant than others. And typically, I will agree that girls (in my experience anyway) tend to be a little more on the "observant" (in this way) side. When my daughter visits, she will strip the bed and at least start the washing machine full of sheets and towels she's used. But then again, she's been out of college a couple of years now. Time will tell what my son does at that age. They were both raised in the same home, with the same expectations. But they tend to be observant in different ways.
We aren't charging rent. We do expect he will save money out of each paycheck to build up funds to eventually move out. We will not cosign another lease now that he's graduated.
The food is here if he wants it. I don't shop for special foods on his behalf, but I am encouraging healthier eating on his part, so I'm trying to make it easy.
We don't have any problems, per se, it's just been an adjustment on both sides that we're still working through. It's been minor stuff so far, such as the belongings left all around. If my DH did that, I'd probably put them away myself. I don't want to fall into that maid service mode again, but I don't want to tell my son what to do either. If I ask, he picks up, but with his rather lax sense of time. I'd love to hear from some young adults who have gone through this. A list of "rules" is too drastic, IMO, but maybe I need one?
Sit him down and explain to him that he is no longer living in the frat house and your home has rules he has to abide by.
Explain to him that you are not his maid and you expect his things to be put away or kept in his room because you like a tidy home and will not clean up after him.
Explain that you expect him to also clean up after himself in the kitchen, do his own laundry, take out the trash without being asked and he will be paying a set amount of rent that is due on a specific day with late fees attached.
Without these boundries and his getting used to the responsility of at least paying rent on time in full each month he will not learn anything close to being a renter in the real world.
If he wants to be treated as an adult then he needs to step up and start being an adult and being responsible for his own things being put away, messes being cleaned up and some type of financial responsibilty for the household.
Not necessarily. I think some people are simply more observant than others. And typically, I will agree that girls (in my experience anyway) tend to be a little more on the "observant" (in this way) side. When my daughter visits, she will strip the bed and at least start the washing machine full of sheets and towels she's used. But then again, she's been out of college a couple of years now. Time will tell what my son does at that age. They were both raised in the same home, with the same expectations. But they tend to be observant in different ways.
Hopefully your son will be better than my brother.
Hopefully your son will be better than my brother.
He tends to be pretty good about a lot. But there are some things he doesn't seem to notice that leave me scratching my head. I guess that's what I mean by being observant in different ways. I don't know that it's a gender thing so much as an individual thing. We tend to notice what bothers us, and not notice what doesn't - at least when we're young and figuring it all out.
I do as they do/did when I am in their house, yes.
To do otherwise is the height of jerkery.
And, yeah. Some people really ARE that clueless. Boys more than girls, I have noticed. Then the whole thing continues when they move in with their wives who have the same complaint (I have heard a million times from a million chicks): How come they don't just notice xyz needs to be done and do it? Wanna know why, ladies? Bc of their parents.
Btw, the op is the one who said he was clueless. And I believe her based on what I have seen.
"He's a good guy, but not exactly observant of things that need doing, or our regular routines."
I don't think of him as clueless at all. I do think we have different priorities at this point in our lives. He has lived with three other guys, and while I'm certain they did a major clean up job just before we visited, they at least recognized what needed to be done.
I want to treat him as I would any adult in my home, because I think it's the respectful thing to do at his age. But, yes, we do have to discuss a few things that can make me crazy, like kicking sneakers off in front of the tv and leaving them. He isn't a slob, or lazy, he just doesn't think it's an issue, and in his eyes, it isn't.
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