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A number of parents have written how they collect rent money from their adult children, who are living at home, and save and return that money to that child when the leave. It makes a nice nest egg to start the adult child on their way to independence.
Every situation is different. Don't feel badly about not collecting rent from your children and then returning it. It was not a "dereliction of parental duty". There is a possibility that one of our adult children may be moving home in a few months. We probably will be collecting rent from her. However, our situation is that we will need that rent to help us pay the utility bills and mortgage. It would be wonderful if we could collect it and return it back to her but in our situation that is not feasible.
If she doesn't move back, how will you cover the mortgage and utilities?
A number of parents have written how they collect rent money from their adult children, who are living at home, and save and return that money to that child when the leave. It makes a nice nest egg to start the adult child on their way to independence.
Every situation is different. Don't feel badly about not collecting rent from your children and then returning it. It was not a "dereliction of parental duty". There is a possibility that one of our adult children may be moving home in a few months. We probably will be collecting rent from her. However, our situation is that we will need that rent to help us pay the utility bills and mortgage. It would be wonderful if we could collect it and return it back to her but in our situation that is not feasible.
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Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
If she doesn't move back, how will you cover the mortgage and utilities?
Our budget is very tight and we prioritize. We can pay the utilities and mortgage but if one of our children was living at home and paying rent, we would use that money towards the utilities, then we could use the extra money to start to pay off some of our other bills. For example, we owe $2,000 to the dentist. He allows us to pay off the bill $100 to $150 a month, but it would make me feel a lot better if we could pay off more of the bill before my husband goes back to the dentist to fix his current broken tooth.
I posted this comment because in this thread and in other threads parents frequently mentioned that they collected rent money from their adult children (mainly to build responsibility) and saved it and gave it to the child as a gift when they left home. I think that is a wonderful idea, but I suspect that there are many other parents in my situation, whether due to disability or job loss or large unexpected expenses or all three, where something like that is just not practical. I wanted those other parents to know that they were not alone and they should not feel badly that they can not do the same thing.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-01-2014 at 08:19 AM..
if he is a slob, then tell him that, if he is disrespecting you, then tell him that...
young men are notorious for taking their mother for granted...
if he wants an adult relationship, then he needs to stop acting like a child- its a 2 way street
This sounds very true! My son is 19 and thinks he's a man. In some ways he is - but I still pay for everything and do 90% of the work around the house. Living away for a year at college certainly did not make him any more tidy.
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Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
I don't know why you are being so hard nosed. He has a job. He graduated from college. He's transitioning from student to adult. Once upon a time students could continue to live on their minimum wage jobs after they graduated until they found something better. Not so anymore. Nothing is wrong or unusual about the OP's situation, and the things she is asking for help with are not a big deal.
Myself and the vast majority of my friends moved back home after college until we all found jobs. This was about 25 years ago and quite commonplace. I agree with you.
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Originally Posted by malamute
I still don't see my kids as fully adult if they're still living in my home.
As long as they're working, I'm pretty easy going about it -- and they still have to follow mostly the same rules -- but I don't have to yell at them to do their homework, I don't have to pick up after them, I don't have to do their laundry or even cook for them.
To me it's best if all involved still realize it's the parents' home and that there are rules for the home -- and there's the door if they really don't like it. I agree the OP's kid sounds pretty good -- not much of a problem and what annoyances there might be are minor ones. He helps out when asked -- that's good enough I think.
For those kinds of annoyances, I'd just put up with them. He'll soon be gone I think and then the parents will miss him.
I think that's true Malamute - as long as he's living in my home - how can he be fully grown up? I just want a little tidiness and don't want to be hounding him like he's 15 again.
I love having him home for the summer (this was his first year of college) but I miss my neat house!
I'm sure there's a happy medium that I've yet to find.
Our budget is very tight and we prioritize. We can pay the utilities and mortgage but if one of our children was living at home and paying rent, we would use that money towards the utilities, then we could use the extra money to start to pay off some of our other bills. For example, we owe $2,000 to the dentist. He allows us to pay off the bill $100 to $150 a month, but it would make me feel a lot better if we could pay off more of the bill before my husband goes back to the dentist to fix his current broken tooth.
I posted this comment because in this thread and in other threads parents frequently mentioned that they collected rent money from their adult children (mainly to build responsibility) and saved it and gave it to the child as a gift when they left home. I think that is a wonderful idea, but I suspect that there are many other parents in my situation, whether due to disability or job loss or large unexpected expenses or all three, where something like that is just not practical. I wanted those other parents to know that they were not alone and they should not feel bad that they can not do the same thing.
I agree. Once the kids are grown, they are responsible for their own living expenses, including expenses involved in living with us.
We've been fortunate so far, but surely can't count on that continuing. Life could take a turn in a heartbeat.
When my mother lived with us, she paid us what she had been paying for rent in her senior apartment. At first I was reluctant to take it, family and all, but she insisted. Now I'm glad we did. We were able to pay off bills and fix up the house to make it more comfortable for all of us.
This sounds very true! My son is 19 and thinks he's a man. In some ways he is - but I still pay for everything and do 90% of the work around the house. Living away for a year at college certainly did not make him any more tidy.
Definitely not more tidy. But a lot more entitled, I'll tell you. When our kids came home for the summer they were used to coming and going as they pleased, pitching their stuff every which way, playing music all hours of the night and day... and believed that now that they were grown up, this could continue and I was a being overbearing by insisting they modify their behavior.
I often wanted to behave like they did. Leave the fridge empty. Use their things and borrow money from them that I never paid back. Play swing band music at full volume at 8 am. You know, behave like an adult and do whatever I darn well pleased.
We aren't charging rent. We do expect he will save money out of each paycheck to build up funds to eventually move out. We will not cosign another lease now that he's graduated.
The food is here if he wants it. I don't shop for special foods on his behalf, but I am encouraging healthier eating on his part, so I'm trying to make it easy.
We don't have any problems, per se, it's just been an adjustment on both sides that we're still working through. It's been minor stuff so far, such as the belongings left all around. If my DH did that, I'd probably put them away myself. I don't want to fall into that maid service mode again, but I don't want to tell my son what to do either. If I ask, he picks up, but with his rather lax sense of time. I'd love to hear from some young adults who have gone through this. A list of "rules" is too drastic, IMO, but maybe I need one?
Well you start treating your adult child when they like an adult.
This is from your OP "He does help out with jobs around the house, when asked"....that is what you have to do with a 15yr old, you have to ask them to help. An ADULT shouldn't have to be asked.
I suggest you do with what my father did with my brother. He charged him rent but put the money aside and gave it back to him to be used for rent when he did move out.
From what you have said about your son here, do you even have any proof he is actually saving money so he can move out?
I find it amazing you don't find something wrong with having to tell an adult that they need to pick up after themselves, and that they only do it when you point it out.
Sorry, but it sounds like you created the problem. If a child/teenager is raised to clean up after themselves it would be highly unlikely that if they ended up moving back with the parents as an "adult" that they would turn into a slob like this.
Well you start treating your adult child when they like an adult.
This is from your OP "He does help out with jobs around the house, when asked"....that is what you have to do with a 15yr old, you have to ask them to help. An ADULT shouldn't have to be asked.
I suggest you do with what my father did with my brother. He charged him rent but put the money aside and gave it back to him to be used for rent when he did move out.
From what you have said about your son here, do you even have any proof he is actually saving money so he can move out?
I find it amazing you don't find something wrong with having to tell an adult that they need to pick up after themselves, and that they only do it when you point it out.
Sorry, but it sounds like you created the problem. If a child/teenager is raised to clean up after themselves it would be highly unlikely that if they ended up moving back with the parents as an "adult" that they would turn into a slob like this.
What did the OP say that leads you to believe that he's not?
Amazing? really?
Leaving shoes in the living room makes him a "slob?"
Who knew there were so many perfect people with perfect children on CD? Cheese, she said he's a college grad with a part time job, who is Looking for a full time job and sometimes leaves his shoes laying around. She didn't say he's an unemployed college dropout drug addict who cooks meth in her kitchen. I feel like some responses here would fit the latter.
What did the OP say that leads you to believe that he's not?
Amazing? really?
Leaving shoes in the living room makes him a "slob?"
Who knew there were so many perfect people with perfect children on CD? Cheese, she said he's a college grad with a part time job, who is Looking for a full time job and sometimes leaves his shoes laying around. She didn't say he's an unemployed college dropout drug addict who cooks meth in her kitchen. I feel like some responses here would fit the latter.
What did the OP say that leads you to believe that he's not?
Amazing? really?
Leaving shoes in the living room makes him a "slob?"
Who knew there were so many perfect people with perfect children on CD? Cheese, she said he's a college grad with a part time job, who is Looking for a full time job and sometimes leaves his shoes laying around. She didn't say he's an unemployed college dropout drug addict who cooks meth in her kitchen. I feel like some responses here would fit the latter.
Ummmmm...try reading all the OP's comments before posting. It is more than just leaving his shoes in the living room. He is a slob.
And yes, if you have to ask an adult child(whether they're male or female) in order for them to help around the house or assist you, than something is wrong.
As I said earlier, you may have to light a fire under a 15yr old, but at 25 if you have to say "can you take out the garbage", "can you not leave dirty clothes on the living room floor", I find that to be an issue.
I get the feeling from what the OP said that son was raised without ever having to help around the house, sounds like the daughter(who when she comes home does laundry and makes her bed) helped out with household chores as a teen, but not the son.
You have a very valid point that there are much more serious issues the OP could be dealing with from drug addicted children, to grandparents who find themselves at age 60 raising an their 8 yr old grandchild as their own, due to the parent/parents not being able to.
But I think the real root of the problem is he was never taught to clean up after himself in the first place.
Well you start treating your adult child when they like an adult.
This is from your OP "He does help out with jobs around the house, when asked"....that is what you have to do with a 15yr old, you have to ask them to help. An ADULT shouldn't have to be asked.
I suggest you do with what my father did with my brother. He charged him rent but put the money aside and gave it back to him to be used for rent when he did move out.
From what you have said about your son here, do you even have any proof he is actually saving money so he can move out?
I find it amazing you don't find something wrong with having to tell an adult that they need to pick up after themselves, and that they only do it when you point it out.
Sorry, but it sounds like you created the problem. If a child/teenager is raised to clean up after themselves it would be highly unlikely that if they ended up moving back with the parents as an "adult" that they would turn into a slob like this.
There isn't a "problem". I am trying to make sure that one doesn't develop, by making an effort to treat him as I would any other adult. I wouldn't expect to manage the finances of another grown-up, why would it be ok to do it to him? Making good money decisions is a skill to be learned, like anything else. He'll figure it out.
Slob is quite an exaggeration, on your part. And, I'm pretty sure his recent experience of living in a house for 3 other guys for 4 years has undone a lot of habits I instilled while he was growing up. So far, since I spoke with him about leaving his shoes etc around the house, he's brought them to his room each night.
Yes, he still needs some stuff pointed out to him, but at least he's gracious when it is. If I start telling him what and when to do, we'll be right back in parent-child roles, and I don't want that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
What did the OP say that leads you to believe that he's not?
Amazing? really?
Leaving shoes in the living room makes him a "slob?"
Who knew there were so many perfect people with perfect children on CD? Cheese, she said he's a college grad with a part time job, who is Looking for a full time job and sometimes leaves his shoes laying around. She didn't say he's an unemployed college dropout drug addict who cooks meth in her kitchen. I feel like some responses here would fit the latter.
Thanks Kibbie! Fortunately, his job has turned into a full-time position, with plenty of overtime. He's been working 10 days straight. He is off tomorrow, and told me he would see to his room then. He hasn't unpacked a lot of his stuff yet. I keep the door shut.
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But a lot more entitled, I'll tell you. When our kids came home for the summer they were used to coming and going as they pleased, pitching their stuff every which way, playing music all hours of the night and day... and believed that now that they were grown up, this could continue and I was a being overbearing by insisting they modify their behavior. 
