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Sounds like the parents are taking advantage of holding the purse strings. You want inheritance, then do as I say mentality.
I have a friend with 3 siblings. The parents were fairly wealthy. Two of the siblings always helped out, never asked for a thing, but the third, never lifted a finger. Guess who got the entire inheritance worth over 10 million? The sibling who never did a thing. Go figure.
I've seen some strange shyt happen surrounding inheritances. You can't count on them and shouldn't. Not to say you are. My comments are really about the parents. If they have a true need, then of course I would help them. But if you are being used so they don't have to spend a dime, then I would politely say no, you have no time. And the time you have is for their daughter and your home.
I don't know that it's typical but it's not unheard of. Growing up I had a friend whose family was kind of like that. Whether as another poster said they're from working class roots or very outdoorsy (if they have a "farmette" obviously they're not into hiring landscapers), that might just be the way they do things in their family. It might even be a way that they bond. It may not be my thing, but for some people "come help us rake leaves" means "Congratulations! We consider you part of the family now!"
I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that someone would invite a person over and then ask them to work on a project that they themselves are not working on. If we ask for help with a project, we are working on it too. I don't see how my in-laws watching me clean their house or work on their car would help bond us together at all. But, that's the family I'm in...
If I were the OP, I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement, especially if my gf wasn't expected to do the chores with me. It just sounds like the in-laws are holding an inheritance over everyone's heads. Personally, I'd let them keep their money and their chores if I were in that situation. I work enough at my job and my own house.
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"It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)"
(set 19 days ago)
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nikitakolata
I guess it's just a foreign concept to me that someone would invite a person over and then ask them to work on a project that they themselves are not working on. If we ask for help with a project, we are working on it too. I don't see how my in-laws watching me clean their house or work on their car would help bond us together at all. But, that's the family I'm in...
If I were the OP, I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement, especially if my gf wasn't expected to do the chores with me. It just sounds like the in-laws are holding an inheritance over everyone's heads. Personally, I'd let them keep their money and their chores if I were in that situation. I work enough at my job and my own house.
You are making a lot of assumptions. Nowhere in the original post does the guy mention whether or not they are doing chores alone or with the rest of the family, which is why I asked about it in my posts. It is not uncommon in a lot of families for people to work on chores together. Things like helping my mom in her garden, while my BF fixed a squeaky cabinet door for her. So it may have been something as simple as a cultural difference, his family does things one way, hers does something completely foreign to him, doesn't make one way right and the other wrong.
Later he says GF and entire clan all help the old folks with chores, which could be because of the inheritance, or it could just be the way the old folks came up and have always done things.
He says "What's with all these old people trying to get something for nothing? Not like my generation, I can tell you that." and probably doesn't have a clue that for many older people there was a pride in taking care of things yourself, that having to pay an outsider to do those things for you was a sign of incompetence and failure.
and probably doesn't have a clue that for many older people there was a pride in taking care of things yourself, that having to pay an outsider to do those things for you was a sign of incompetence and failure.
Just about every adult I knew growing up was like that. They also would be between 90 and 115 now. Their children, my generation of the families are 50's to 80 and we were never like that. We hired people. I don't think the OPs "practically" inlaws are all that old. Your example is more of depression people, the ones that remembered it not just born during it.
M
When my siblings and I visited our (late) parents we always helped out with chores around the farm. Whether it was fixing something, or painting something or running errands that is what children, no matter how old they are, do for their family (at least in my family). It isn't work, it showing your love. Perhaps, that is what happens in her family as well.
Family doesn't demand work, which yes it is, to have someone prove their affection for them. That isn't love...that is blackmail and rather messed up.
Just about every adult I knew growing up was like that. They also would be between 90 and 115 now. Their children, my generation of the families are 50's to 80 and we were never like that. We hired people.
Never?
Not in my area!
For the most part (in my neighborhood at least) we cut our own grass, wash/maintain our own cars, clean our own houses, etc.
Why hire someone for things we can do ourselves?
Being a technically savvy type person, I've encountered similar issues with friends, family, etc. As soon as they know that you know how to navigate around a computer, every (and I mean EVERY) visit resulted in me performing various technical support functions. While I didn't mind helping at first, it soon moved to being asked to help friends in their neighborhoods, receiving calls for help late at night, etcetera.
The only way I got it to stop was to be very direct (aka - dickish) about it. If you invite me over for a visit, let's visit and enjoy time with each other, not relegate me to the computer desk for hours while you sit and watch Seinfeld reruns
When my siblings and I visited our (late) parents we always helped out with chores around the farm. Whether it was fixing something, or painting something or running errands that is what children, no matter how old they are, do for their family (at least in my family). It isn't work, it showing your love. Perhaps, that is what happens in her family as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG
Family doesn't demand work, which yes it is, to have someone prove their affection for them. That isn't love...that is blackmail and rather messed up.
I guess that I was unclear in my post, my parents never "demanded" that we help with the chores, we did it because we were family and we loved each other. And that is what families do (at least my family).
Our parents always worked along side us in whatever task we were doing. Or perhaps they were doing one needed job and we were doing something else that needed to be done.
Again, it may be different because my parents were farmers and didn't semi-retired until my father was in his early seventies (my siblings and I ranged in age from mid 30s to early 40s at that time). And semi-retired meant that he only started to work a 30 or 40 hour week rather than a 70 to 80 hour work week (switched from dairy farming to logging). So, he never really "retired".
My father died shortly before he turned 80. He literally "died with his boots on" helping his late wife's sister & her husband with some work that they were unable to do on their own. Not because they "demanded it" but because they were family and that is what family does.
The OP gave us additional information and apparently the work that he does is tied with an inheritance, pressure and obligation and NOT to love and respect so it is a totally different situation that what happens in my family.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-15-2014 at 06:16 PM..
Status:
"It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)"
(set 19 days ago)
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
16,147 posts, read 21,288,283 times
Reputation: 43929
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick
Never?
Not in my area!
For the most part (in my neighborhood at least) we cut our own grass, wash/maintain our own cars, clean our own houses, etc.
Why hire someone for things we can do ourselves?
These are people 35ish through 80s.
Same here. My dad would have been in his early 70's. You didn't really mention things like taking the car in for an oil change, tire change, calling a plumber for a small leak, etc because he'd ask you why you'd pay for something like that, and then look at you like you were maybe too lazy or too incapable of taking care of simple stuff. Of course he was also of the opinion that store bought baked goods and prepackaged ready to prepare meals were the epitome of laziness too!
Some of that may be because his parents did come up through the depression and that was just the way they raised their kids to think, and in turn he passed some of those ideas down to his kids. You didn't have to actually grow up during the depression to have been brought up with many of those values.
To the OP. Your gf's parents have had lives, and perhaps their lives have as much meaning to them as your has to you. So, I'd try to muster some respect for them in this area.
It is expected of visiting kids to help, say, with clearing the table after dinner and cleaning up. That kind of thing is normal. It isn't normal to have to weed, clean windows, etc., unless there is a family emergency or dementia. This is not the case for you. I am an inlaw, and I have never asked any visiting child or spouse to do any kind of arduous chore, ever. I appreciate help cleaning up after dinner, and things like that. But to weed and clean windows? This is just exploitative behavior from the gf's parents.
I am unhappy that you seem to be not totally in love with your gf. And from that standpoint, I wonder if the relationship is worth it to you. But if it is, then you need to talk to your gf about your feelings that you are being used, and that you work really hard during the week. She probably does too. Why do the kids maintain the family residence? I can't imagine why they stand for it. (And I suspect you have overstated what they have asked you to do.) But at any rate, you guys need to talk. And if you really want this relationship to work, then, if talking doesn't work for you, you should talk to an impartial counselor. But I don't think you should have to help maintain their "farmette."
Next, I want you to try to see things in a less class based light. You seem to resent their being white collar. If you are making big bucks, as you say, then you too are white collar probably. And lawyers are necessary in a our complex society. There is nothing wrong with being an attorney. Just as there is nothing wrong with being whatever you are.
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