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Sometimes I wake up staring at the ceiling thinking how did I get here?
Do her a favor and break up with her now. You already don't like her family. You are announcing on a public message board that you aren't happy with her, either. Let her find someone who will love her and her family instead of acting like being with her and her family is a prison sentence. She deserves better.
I've thought about leaving her. We're in our early 30s and like it or not marrying in your 30s is not like marrying when you're 18 living on love. It is 50% love, 50% sound longterm financial decision. She is not good with kids and not good with money. I get the first one is a dance, you learn as you go but the money one has me worried. I wish she took more of an interest in how the money is being made, where it is going, how it is being invested, budgets, etc. than reminding me to pay her CC bill. She wants to be a stay at home mom. Which is a worst case scenario for me considering the possible alimony payments later on. Life's a chess board, the winner being able to see ten moves ahead. Sometimes you just have to flip that board and walk away. I'm getting to that point.
Gawd. I have been reading your past posts and just wow. You have been saying for at least six months that you "might" dump her. That she is stunning but that's all she brings to the table. Dump her already and let her find someone who loves her and doesn't take every opportunity to say something bad about her.
And you lied on a job application and now you are doing great because of that. Nice. Such a man of integrity. All your past posts show what kind of person you are. Why don't you tell her the things you say about her here so she can move on with her life?
The board sees you as me, me, me, selfish one sided person. You are certainly no bargain for this woman. You don't know what her family can do about taking care of their place by themselves. It is not easy, to find someone that can help as needed. They may be desperate for help, and really need it. With your attitude, you could care less as to their needs. Remember, they took care of your daughter for a lot of years, doing everything for her. Now in families, it is her turn to help her family and repay them for the help they gave her. This is how it has always been done. A lot of the young generation today, do not see they have any obligation to their family, and just wish they would drop dead, and not ask any help from them.
My wife and I am both in our 80s. We have had to cut back, and say their are things we cannot do any more. We have a woman comes in 3 days a week to help and takes care of the inside of the house. A great worker, and costs $15 an hour. Her 16 year old son works Saturdays at $10 an hour, 8 hours and sometimes after school in the school year and some extra days. He takes care of the outside, touch up painting inside, etc.
Our children all live in different parts of the country due to work, etc., so we cannot ask them for help. Fortunately we can afford this help. If we could not, we would be desperate for someone to help us, as we cannot do it ourselves any more. Her family, may be unable to afford the type of help we hire to take care of us.
I sympathize with the OP. We used to visit or parents twice a year, and every time our "vacation" started out with a list of projects a foot long. All sorts of maintenance projects were deferred until we arrived. Our free labor allowed them to continue to live "independently" in a home they could no longer manage.
Our kids never got to know their grandparents because they were always playing by themselves while the folks stood over us, directing this project or that.
Looking back, I wish I had told them no. I wish we had said that we would help them move into a home with less maintenance, but we would no longer be spending our vacations fixing their place up.
Our kids wish we would have as well.
Sounds like the OP doesn't care much for the work, the folks, or the girlfriend. Might be time to move on.
Maybe they're testing you to find out what kind of man you are, to see what you are capable of doing, to see how well you can get along with them, to see if you are willing to go above and beyond for their daughter.
Or maybe they're hoping you'll cry uncle and just break up with their daughter. Honestly, reading this as a parent and as a woman, nothing about your post makes you sound like good husband material for your girlfriend.
The man works sixty hours a week, then is expected to do manual chores requiring hours of his free time -- every time he visits. So while he may not be a good fit for this bunch, they don't sound like a good fit for anyone. They are using him. It sounds like he is waking up to the fact that things won't change with a ring and a ceremony. He's right.
The man works sixty hours a week, then is expected to do manual chores requiring hours of his free time -- every time he visits. So while he may not be a good fit for this bunch, they don't sound like a good fit for anyone. They are using him. It sounds like he is waking up to the fact that things won't change with a ring and a ceremony. He's right.
I dunno, with everything I've seen OP write since I first wrote that post, I now think that they've already given him up as a bad job and just trying to make the best of a bad situation and get some free labor out of him before he finally flakes out or their daughter wakes up and dumps him. If he's acting like a tool, they might as well use him as one.
(Btw, this is 2014, if a person is lucky enough to have a job and isn't stuck with an employer that intentionally keeps everyone part-time in order to skimp on benefits, 60 hours is kind of normal. Lots of people work those hours and more and still make time for both chores and family. In OP's case they just happen to be combined.)
Here's hoping the girlfriend ditches him and finds a successful contractor with a helpful attitude and a winning personality - that might be the best fit for gf and family. OP might do better with an independently wealthy orphaned supermodel who likes to spend free time lounging by the pool and not talking, aging, or having a personality.
I dunno, with everything I've seen OP write since I first wrote that post, I now think that they've already given him up as a bad job and just trying to make the best of a bad situation and get some free labor out of him before he finally flakes out or their daughter wakes up and dumps him. If he's acting like a tool, they might as well use him as one.
(Btw, this is 2014, if a person is lucky enough to have a job and isn't stuck with an employer that intentionally keeps everyone part-time in order to skimp on benefits, 60 hours is kind of normal. Lots of people work those hours and more and still make time for both chores and family. In OP's case they just happen to be combined.)
Here's hoping the girlfriend ditches him and finds a successful contractor with a helpful attitude and a winning personality - that might be the best fit for gf and family. OP might do better with an independently wealthy orphaned supermodel who likes to spend free time lounging by the pool and not talking, aging, or having a personality.
I worked about sixty plus hours a week as a teacher. It was part of my job. A week when I slacked off I worked at least fifty hours. I don't know many people who work less than 50 hours a week. I think the forty hour work week is a myth.
That being said, no one should be forced to perform tasks for someone else. I can see why the OP doesn't visit often.
My dad said my mom's family used to work him when he came to visit. My grandparents owned a farm and they'd have my dad always out repairing things in the cold weather. My dad was working lots of overtime and going to schooling/training at he same time. It was too much so he stopped visiting as often. I can't blame you there.
As far as the girlfriend, if you've been dating for three years and you don't see yourself married to her with kids like she wants, then let her be free to find someone who will love her like that. She only has a few years left to meet those dreams and you are wasting her time.
You are making a lot of assumptions. Nowhere in the original post does the guy mention whether or not they are doing chores alone or with the rest of the family, which is why I asked about it in my posts. It is not uncommon in a lot of families for people to work on chores together. Things like helping my mom in her garden, while my BF fixed a squeaky cabinet door for her. So it may have been something as simple as a cultural difference, his family does things one way, hers does something completely foreign to him, doesn't make one way right and the other wrong.
Later he says GF and entire clan all help the old folks with chores, which could be because of the inheritance, or it could just be the way the old folks came up and have always done things.
He says "What's with all these old people trying to get something for nothing? Not like my generation, I can tell you that." and probably doesn't have a clue that for many older people there was a pride in taking care of things yourself, that having to pay an outsider to do those things for you was a sign of incompetence and failure.
I'll admit, I mis-read the second post by the OP and for some reason was thinking that his gf wasn't also being asked to do chores. Regardless though, based on how the OP worded things, it sounds like it isn't established in advance that the in-laws want help with particular projects, which I just find odd. As I said, I'm used to helping family and friends with home/car projects; it's something my husband and I do all the time.
I come from a family that takes pride in doing things ourselves. I learned how to change the oil in a car when I was about 12 years old and I've done just about every home improvement project imaginable by now. I totally understand that mindset and live that way myself. That said, I'd be ticked if I drove the 2 hours to my in-laws house and instead of visiting with them was asked to change the oil in their cars. Knowing that in advance makes a big difference to me, I guess (I would dress differently, perhaps bring another set of clothes, etc.).
Either way, it doesn't sound like the OP and his gf are a good match. He should probably let her go instead of wasting more of her time.
FWIW, I used to never care for kids. I didn't know how to act around them and just personally felt so awkward that I couldn't imagine having them myself. But, then I had a niece and nephew and things changed dramatically. I would love to be a SAHM now, if that was an option. Is it possible the OP's gf has had a similar change of heart? Being good with random children you encounter is not the same as being good with your own kids or kids you are related to. At least it isn't the same for me.
Hmm.. if it's grandparents then I hope you're absolutely visiting them and helping out if asked.
Think about it... how many birthday cards did you receive with money in it? How about graduation money? Christmas money?
I think helping out every now and again is a nice way of saying "thank you"... oh... and I bet they're probably feeding you too during these visits!
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