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If you're seeing plenty of her at places other than her house, why are you concerned about going over to her house? It could be that he has some dastardly reason for not wanting her family over, sure. It could also be that one or both of them just dislikes the hassles associated with company and with relatives feeling free to drop by whenever. Of all the issues going on here, this is not the one to fixate on, IMO.
Nobody is fixated on that and if you read through the whole thread numerous things were discussed by me.
Also it's odd for about roughly 10 years I only recall being there 1 time. This is family not in-laws. I don't know your family but as bad as my sister sounds for the most part our family is very close.
I was making a point of her husband being a low life not allowing us to visit. I know for a fact my sister doesn't have a problem with us.
I agre with your first instinct. Stay away, let her bring the baby to you and/or your folks. Your sister is old enough to have made her decisions, you need to just avoid dealing with this guy on any level. And, just keep communicating with your sister...one day she will trust you to help her leave.....A mother's instinct may kick in when the baby arrives.....some folks who have accepted unacceptable behavior, change their tune when a baby arrives....Just be there, don't judge her now, it will only leave her with no one.
This thread is mainly about what I SHOULD do on the day of the birth and after the baby is born.
Should i go to the hospital on the day of the birth? How do i react towards him at the hospital after the baby is born?
Personally, if someone assaulted me, I would never interact with him again--even if he were married to my sister. For me there's a line that someone crosses, and then any possibility of a relationship with them is over.
If I were you, I would not go to the hospital. You can see the baby later when your sister comes by with him/her. If she asks why you didn't go to the hospital, tell her the truth.
Going forward, there's no need to talk to or congratulate Justin about anything. When you MUST be around him, simply acknowledge him with a, "Hi" and then stay away. Just keep your interactions civil and short.
If it were me, I'd get my family and corner the guy and tell him to get a flipping job you lazy piece of crap and stop living off your sister. Tell him until he's helping to pay for that house, then he has no say in who can or can not come visit your sister and the new baby. If he wants to say who visits, then get a danged job and help support the household.
Tell him that a little baby is coming into the home to live and y'all expect him to straighten up. Y'all will be watching him for any drugs use around the child or any abusive behavior and won't hesitate calling the cops if he is ever suspected of any abuse to the child.
Tell him he can hit you, but he WILL NOT be hitting the child ever or your sister. He is to show his wife's family and his family respect.
Look him straight in the eyes (all your family stare at him straight in the eyes) and tell him if he tells his wive y'all spoke to him, that he would regret it. Put some fear in this deadbeat. What a jerk. He's only getting by with everything because everyone is tiptoeing around him.
Why tiptoe around this jerk?!! He's bad news all the way around.
I wouldn't let him push any of you around. Go visit your sister. If he has a problem with it, tough. What would he do if y'all just showed up?
Sure you want to support your sister, but no need to be walked all over. This guy just needs someone to stand up to him and not be scared. If the whole family rallies around at one time (intervention style) then maybe that would help bring him back down to earth.
But then again he's on drugs, so people like that live in their own little druggy world and don't care about anyone but themselves and when they will get their next toke/hit or whatever.
Anyway, I feel for you. I know someone that married a criminal and he goes back and forth into jail all the time, yet she stays with him. He has absolutely no redeeming qualities and will not work to earn money. He steals, does drugs, meth, etc. But she sticks with him which drives me nuts. It makes no sense at all.
Go to the hospital. Love your sister and her newborn. Hold that baby close to your heart. Be cordial but distant to her husband.
This is no time to "tell her how you feel," or try to get him straighten up his act (and good luck with that one).
This is a time for unconditional love for her and the new baby in your family.
If she wants Mom and you over there to help out for a few days, go. Make it easy for her to drop by and visit with you.
Your sister has made a dreadful mistake having a kid with this bum. She will find out soon enough.
And while you are loving her and the baby to pieces, document anything that looks suspicious to you. If the baby has odd bruises, take photos. If your sister is as smart as you say she is, she will be on the lookout herself. POS, drug-using guys have been known to neglect and abuse children left in their care. Keep your eyes open.
Hopefully, your sister need to wakes up. Chances are, she will wake up once the baby arrives and she sees that he's a piece of sh*t. It's hard to feel bad for her (I don't). She's an idiot. As my classmates might say, "The d*** must be really good!".
Now, to answer your question: I would've made it known that I don't like him or approve and let her know that she's making a big mistake. Hopefully, she wakes up once the baby arrives. She's just set herself up to be a single mom (I'm not bashing single moms, it's just less than ideal because it's a lot harder to raise kids on your own). I'd try my hardest not to say, "I told you so."
I am baffled how someone is old enough to know better and smart enough to make close to six figures would settle for a loser on dope with a criminal record and no job. She should not tolerate him keeping family away, that is a major red flag for an abusive relationship.
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Why tiptoe around this jerk?!! He's bad news all the way around.
I wouldn't let him push any of you around. Go visit your sister. If he has a problem with it, tough. What would he do if y'all just showed up?
I agree with everything you said but in these warped type situations, attacks on the deadbeat = attacks on the partner as well because in their mind they are a unit. Intervention style sit-downs will probably cause her to lash out at the family.
Its unfortunate that she chose to have a child with this guy (some consolation for being married, but not much). What can you do? Stick by the sister as mentioned many times before but really, its going to be tough.
One thing I try not to tolerate is complaints. I'm in a very similar situation whereby the individual will complain loudly about her partner (much like your sister's) every time she's at our house, but we're not allowed to say anything in response. For instance, she'll proclaim "ugh, he hasn't done anything today either", to which i'll respond "yeah, that seems typical of him" and she'll be upset at me for this????
I'm not sure what to do either except shrug and ask that they not come over...though in your case, the fact that he's attacked you is pretty mindblowing. In that case I'd never interact with him again. If the sister insists on it, I would have to drop communication with her as well. It's not ok.
Sad to say, I know a shocking number of women who live just like your sister. Educated, professional women with good incomes who get involved with a deadbeat who uses them and totally controls their private life. I know a professor, quite a few corporate executives, even a PSYCHIATRIST(!) who live in this prison of their own making. Why do they do it? In spite of their success they have terrible personal self-esteem. They think they are unlovable. They thought this bad boy was cool when they met him and they are in a sexual thrall. Many of them come to their senses at some point, spurred on by family and friends who try to talk sense to them, but eventually they go back just as your sister did. The guy has groomed them to think no one else will ever want them. In some sense they KNOW it's crazy. Every morning of their lives they tell themselves they're going to fix this ... things will change. But it's an addiction. Just like a drug addict, an alcoholic, a compulsive gambler.
Most of these cases I've known, there were never any children. HE is her baby. That's how he wants it and between his demands and her busy job bringing home the bacon, having a child is usually put off and put off.
The baby will change nothing about your sister's relationship with you. Justin might let your mother in to help ... why not USE her, too, because it's convenient to him. But he will still be in control. He will not let your mother, and certainly not you, have a close relationship with the child. Your roles are to babysit when Justin says so and to provide gifts.
The future depends on how he responds to fatherhood. Most of these men don't really like having children because other than a tyke being a babe magnet for when Mommy's at the office, kids cramp their style. In the few situations I've known where the couple DID have a child, lazy-but-controlling Dad ends up not liking the emotional bonds of fatherhood, his sex life with the wife suffers, and he ends up leaving her for a younger woman. (Which would, in many ways, be the best possible outcome. But he will demand shared custody so the alimony/child support will keep him in the style to which he is accustom. So he's in her life forever.) They ones I've known who stayed permanently didn't have kids in the picture. Just the wife, ever ladder-climbing in her career, bringing home more cash all the time so he has the life of Riley.
If I were you, I wouldn't go to the hospital. I'd phone my sister. I'd tell her I wish her the best and I will always be there for her if she decides to change her situation. But I would recognize fully that I would never be allowed to be close to Justin's kid, so there's no purpose in getting involved emotionally. Remember, Justin is an abuser and your sister is his willing hand-maiden. Unless she breaks the chain, you will always be held at arms length from that family. Business as usual. She'll come to your family occasionally, just as she does now, and she'll bring the baby. Tell her she is always welcome to do that. But don't expect him to come with them and you'll still never be invited to their home.
Best of luck. This is a heart-breaking situation, I know from personal experience.
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