What would you do? Sister married a low life (girlfriend, abuse, feel)
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OP this happened to me. Same thing... Loser, deadbeat, jobless, criminal record. Sister was just gaga over this dude and he could do no wrong, even though he was.... mmmm I have so many words for him. He isn't good looking his wang can't be big enough to make up for his shortcomings.
Personally, I woulnd't go. She has chosen him over you and your family. So now you either accept his terms or don't.
I excommunicated my sister along time ago. I don't even think about her or that dumb waste of space she calls a husband. Shortly after I stopped talking with my oldest sister, my younger sister excommunicated them after a drunken volley of harsh words from him and an unpaid debt. My mom, hated this guy too and slowly no one talked to my sister or her deadbeat loser husband. My niece doesn't even know she has a family on her mothers side. This was when I was about 4 years younger than you currently are.
He's not going to change and she has chosen him. To this day my oldest sisters husband has no job, has a new misdemeanor on his record and terrible credit. He's starting to drag my sister down too. I think my sister is just... trying to prove that her choice was good... or that he's going to be successful eventually.....or...maybe she really likes him.
Saddest part: I don't care. I don't miss her not even a little bit. He has altered her to the point I don't recognize my sister anymore. We talked 6 years ago for two or three minutes before my moms funeral. Dirtbag had the audacity to show up looking like a bag of.... and make a scene withing 5 minutes. My younger sisters husband physically dragged him out of the church (I'm not so bold, I have a professional rep to uphold, but man I wanted to help) and the whole family clapped which made my sister leave crying yelling "You just don't understand him, he's a great guy."
After that, they moved to Wyoming. I haven't talked to them since. My nieces used to communicate on facebook, but they don't talk anymore either.
Sad to say, I know a shocking number of women who live just like your sister. Educated, professional women with good incomes who get involved with a deadbeat who uses them and totally controls their private life. I know a professor, quite a few corporate executives, even a PSYCHIATRIST(!) who live in this prison of their own making. Why do they do it? In spite of their success they have terrible personal self-esteem. They think they are unlovable. They thought this bad boy was cool when they met him and they are in a sexual thrall. Many of them come to their senses at some point, spurred on by family and friends who try to talk sense to them, but eventually they go back just as your sister did. The guy has groomed them to think no one else will ever want them. In some sense they KNOW it's crazy. Every morning of their lives they tell themselves they're going to fix this ... things will change. But it's an addiction. Just like a drug addict, an alcoholic, a compulsive gambler.
Most of these cases I've known, there were never any children. HE is her baby. That's how he wants it and between his demands and her busy job bringing home the bacon, having a child is usually put off and put off.
The baby will change nothing about your sister's relationship with you. Justin might let your mother in to help ... why not USE her, too, because it's convenient to him. But he will still be in control. He will not let your mother, and certainly not you, have a close relationship with the child. Your roles are to babysit when Justin says so and to provide gifts.
The future depends on how he responds to fatherhood. Most of these men don't really like having children because other than a tyke being a babe magnet for when Mommy's at the office, kids cramp their style. In the few situations I've known where the couple DID have a child, lazy-but-controlling Dad ends up not liking the emotional bonds of fatherhood, his sex life with the wife suffers, and he ends up leaving her for a younger woman. (Which would, in many ways, be the best possible outcome. But he will demand shared custody so the alimony/child support will keep him in the style to which he is accustom. So he's in her life forever.) They ones I've known who stayed permanently didn't have kids in the picture. Just the wife, ever ladder-climbing in her career, bringing home more cash all the time so he has the life of Riley.
If I were you, I wouldn't go to the hospital. I'd phone my sister. I'd tell her I wish her the best and I will always be there for her if she decides to change her situation. But I would recognize fully that I would never be allowed to be close to Justin's kid, so there's no purpose in getting involved emotionally. Remember, Justin is an abuser and your sister is his willing hand-maiden. Unless she breaks the chain, you will always be held at arms length from that family. Business as usual. She'll come to your family occasionally, just as she does now, and she'll bring the baby. Tell her she is always welcome to do that. But don't expect him to come with them and you'll still never be invited to their home.
Best of luck. This is a heart-breaking situation, I know from personal experience.
^^This^^
Describes the dynamic to a t.
If she kicks him to the curb, he will sue for sole custody since he's a stay-at-home-Dad and she is always at work. Or threaten to if he doesn't get his way with everything.
He will definitely sue for spousal support claiming he gave up his career (I know. As what?) to support her career. Demand half of all their assets.
I would encourage you to go to the hospital. This is neutral territory. With any luck at all, he'll take a pop at one of you for looking at him the wrong way and the security guards can hang on to him until the police show up.
More than likely he'll just be a narcissistic a$$ and you'll focus on her and the baby.
Supporting her without making it easier for her to put up with his nonsense will be a tough line.
Sadly this reminds me of my mother, dating loser men with no high school diploma, who drink, and smoke all day long, having no income ect ect. It makes no sense seeing that my mom works for a big bank, and makes decent money. Always making excuses, " he is a good-hearted guy." That was before he smashed her windshield in and she had to get a restraining order, which would be his 2nd one. I really would like to understand why these women date such losers?
I really would like to understand why these women date such losers?
For the same reason they adopt stray dogs that poop all over the floors and growl at everyone.
I have a relative who dates, and sometimes even marries, one worthless character after another. She's a good woman with a good job so why does she put up with the nonsense?
Because they need her.
She feels like she is "saving" them. Though as far as I can tell, none have been "saved."
Two of her boyfriends are now in prison (murder one and drug dealing the other). One died of a drug overdose. Several were married while they were dating/living together.
They have all taken financial advantage of her and two were physically abusive.
I could go on.
It is beyond ridiculous. She claims they are such nice guys in the beginning that it seems disloyal to change up on them because of a few negative qualities.
I really would like to understand why these women date such losers?
Me too. I started a thread in the Relationship Forum to hopefully get some understanding of it. I probably should have put it in the Psychology forum though.
Why would a woman marry a low life with no redeeming qualities? A low life that has nothing to add to a relationship?
No HS diploma
Criminal record
Presently in jail
Lazy
Refuses to work
Meth addict
Doesn't cook or clean or contribute to the household in any way unless you consider holding the remote somehow a household chore.
He doesn't hang with his wife. She does her own thing and he sits at home or goes around stealing, doing drugs or sits in jail.
Some might say that maybe he's good in the bedroom. Really? There are plenty of nice guys out there that are good in bed too. Why gravitate to someone with no redeeming qualities?
Good chemistry? He looks like a gangster and scary looking. Sure, there is the chemistry, but you would think his laziness, lack of education, no job and everything else, the chemistry would diminish greatly. To me a lot of times it's what's on the inside that makes a guy very sexy. If he's a jerk on the inside yet good looking on the outside, then that isn't sexy to me but I know everyone is attracted to different things.
I have not read most of the responses but most people do not give the type of advice I would in this situation.
But let me back up a minute. When this guy abused your sister, that should have been the end for him. It sounds like you tried to get involved and he beat you up as well. By not pressing charges, you probably ruined one of the best chances to separate them rather than depend on "his word" to not see her anymore. Short of you monitoring her 24/7/365, you just hoped/prayed they were not together. In reality they could have been discreet and continued on based on what has occurred. So instead of him going to jail again, you enabled him to remain free and be with her.
However that is the past, and if you didn't do anything about their relationship for 9+ years other than stew about it, what on earth do you think you are capable of doing about it now?
Short of him doing something that will make her fall out of love/lust with him, there is nothing you can do about it(legally). You also do not sound like the type of guy who is prepared to do something(illegally) anyway. Yet if this loser abuses your sister or your nephew, what are you prepared to do about it?
My advice is not to get too worked up about his lack of income/job as that sounds like something that is not going to change. If he were a decent person and treated your sister well(despite being a jobless bum) then that is a choice your financially secure sister chooses to accept and live with.
Your worry should be her health and that of your future nephew. If something bad happens you need to already have a well thought out plan in place and be willing to execute it. The only way you will know is to maintain some type of relationship with her despite how you feel about her poor choice in a mate. Isolating her and your nephew will make her resentful of you, and then you will not be close enough to her to help if the need arises.
One of the consequences of this choice is isolation from you. Let her know that you love her and the baby. That way if she does leave him, she can count on your support.
Believe me, that deadbeat might try to sue for sole custody, but he is not interested in parenting.
My sister is about to have a baby she is due in a few weeks. She married one of the biggest low lifes i ever met. Honestly I hate even looking at the guy after all that has happened over the years.
To make a long story short I'm not sure what to do on my part when the baby arrives. Do you think it's wrong for me to stay away and not go when the baby is born?
Here is a little summary on the guy. He is 33 i think and my sister is 34 and I'm a 36 year old man. He hasn't worked in years, has a criminal history, smokes weed and drinks a lot at times. My sister has a great career and while she is working he is bumming at home smoking and spending her money. Years ago our family found out he physically abused her and he also assaulted me in a drunken rage years ago.
The assault on me happened about 12 years ago I'd say. After that I was going to press charges on him and he begged me not to because he would go to jail because of previous issues he had. I told him i wont press charges if he stayed away from my sister and he said fine. Fast forward about 5 years later and they got married alone in Hawaii then my sister bought a house. She makes close to 6 figures a year or more i'm sure and he makes a big whopping goose egg. He isn't disabled or anything.
Anyway i am just thinking now she is only weeks away from giving birth and I do NOT want to congratulate him at all even though I already gave him a fake congratulations 9 months ago on the announcement...I can't do it again.
I love my sister ofcorse but I really despise this guy. He is the last person on earth I would ever think would be a "father".
Our family can't even go over to the house without my sister asking him first. We have been over there 1 time in about 9 years and she lives a half hour away. She always comes to us. We always want to come over but my sister always says "let me talk it over with justin and see" She paid for that house and he provides nothing so she has to ask him?
Honestly my sister is very smart has a college degree and works in commercial banking but I don't know where her brain was choosing this guy...
I don't know what to do he makes me sick but I love my sister and don't want her to be upset. She also witnessed him assaulting me that day and ended up marrying him. That is also in the back of my mind. How could you marry a guy that beat up your brother? And no I didn't do anything to make him do that she knows she was there.
Crazy situation and I don't know what to do. I do know I'm 95% sure I want to just stay away and not be involved unless she brings the baby to visit me.
Since your sister always comes to you, just wait for her to make the move. Hopefully she doesn't bring the POS with her, but even if she does, you don't have to engage him. Just ignore him.
That's all we ever do is meet in public or where I live or my mothers house. She isn't the one not wanting us over it's him I guarantee it.
My mother wanted to drop off a bag of baby stuff on her door step while she was at work and she said "i dont want anyone dropping stuff off!!" because of justin im sure.
This makes it sound like she is a prisoner in her own home.
One of the consequences of this choice is isolation from you. Let her know that you love her and the baby. That way if she does leave him, she can count on your support.
Believe me, that deadbeat might try to sue for sole custody, but he is not interested in parenting.
Agree.
I have a niece whose worthless baby daddy threatens this to keep her from moving from where she is. Says if she does, he will sue for full custody.
He does not pay a dime in child support. Insists on having the child on his schedule. The courts are clear on visitation having nothing to do with paying child support.
It's a mess.
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