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Having had a bipolar friend, I can definitely say it's okay. If they don't make the effort to care for themselves, how can you possibly deal with it in this situation?
Wow, thanks for all the great posts, folks. I feel better about my decision. Sad for her but we can't save everyone and I guess I can't save her. A professional will have to do it.
Kathryn, don't mean to highjack your thread with my similar situation, but wondering what you will do if friend should contact you again (it looks like it has been a week). My ex--"friend" contacted me today (I was out, so we didn't speak). It's one thing to not initiate contact, but is it another to not return a phone call? I suppose I could call back and, depending on how the conversation goes (I can't imagine that there will be a big difference), just remind her that neither one of us seems to be profiting from the friendship...
Kathryn, don't mean to highjack your thread with my similar situation, but wondering what you will do if friend should contact you again (it looks like it has been a week). My ex--"friend" contacted me today (I was out, so we didn't speak). It's one thing to not initiate contact, but is it another to not return a phone call? I suppose I could call back and, depending on how the conversation goes (I can't imagine that there will be a big difference), just remind her that neither one of us seems to be profiting from the friendship...
Have you ever had any success trying to de-escalate things or backing off in the past? I mean, any time I have tried to be open and honest about feeling I am not helping things, that this was basically a circuitous continual whine fest (but not in those blunt terms) . . . I have ended up with a blow up on the other person's end of with accusations of my not being loyal, or being selfish, or being "on xx's side" etc etc etc.
So I have never been able to successfully back out of these relationships with a conversation. There simply is no recognition of what I am saying - it is all blame shifting, accusations, anger, guilt-tripping, etc.
I have found I have to ease out of these relationships . .. ignore some phone calls, delay calling back or don't call back, keep saying "I just have so much on my plate I am sure you will understand that my time is at a premium. Your therapist is the better person to talk to, anyway" etc etc. Eventually the calls stop.
I hope you have better luck than I have with being rational about backing out of all the interruptive phone calls and hand holding.
Have you ever had any success trying to de-escalate things or backing off in the past? I mean, any time I have tried to be open and honest about feeling I am not helping things, that this was basically a circuitous continual whine fest (but not in those blunt terms) . . . I have ended up with a blow up on the other person's end of with accusations of my not being loyal, or being selfish, or being "on xx's side" etc etc etc.
So I have never been able to successfully back out of these relationships with a conversation. There simply is no recognition of what I am saying - it is all blame shifting, accusations, anger, guilt-tripping, etc.
I have found I have to ease out of these relationships . .. ignore some phone calls, delay calling back or don't call back, keep saying "I just have so much on my plate I am sure you will understand that my time is at a premium. Your therapist is the better person to talk to, anyway" etc etc. Eventually the calls stop.
I hope you have better luck than I have with being rational about backing out of all the interruptive phone calls and hand holding.
My "friend", to her credit, doesn't blow up and do much blaming of me...it's more whining and ruminating about her problems and never thinking about me (or anyone else---even new boyfriend of just a few months!). Definitely not listening to anything I say (just saying "Uh huh") when I try to insert just 5% just as a little balance to giving her 95% of the phone call.
Saying "Your therapist is the better person to talk to, anyway" is genius! It reminds her that friend does not equal therapist. Although I do think she will counter with, "But I don't really like my therapist or get that much from her."
Have you ever had any success trying to de-escalate things or backing off in the past? I mean, any time I have tried to be open and honest about feeling I am not helping things, that this was basically a circuitous continual whine fest (but not in those blunt terms) . . . I have ended up with a blow up on the other person's end of with accusations of my not being loyal, or being selfish, or being "on xx's side" etc etc etc.
So I have never been able to successfully back out of these relationships with a conversation. There simply is no recognition of what I am saying - it is all blame shifting, accusations, anger, guilt-tripping, etc.
I have found I have to ease out of these relationships . .. ignore some phone calls, delay calling back or don't call back, keep saying "I just have so much on my plate I am sure you will understand that my time is at a premium. Your therapist is the better person to talk to, anyway" etc etc. Eventually the calls stop.
I hope you have better luck than I have with being rational about backing out of all the interruptive phone calls and hand holding.
Often times when you do try to be rational, like you said they do flip it and shift blame and I think they feed off that drama that they create by turning the rational into something crazy. I agree that easing out sometimes is the only way, just saying you are busy, limit the contact and never buying into their drama.
They almost always have others in their lives they can pull in or they can easily find them when they are in Up mode. The people they hook up with tend to be people like us who want to help and will be sucked in for a while, or low quality people who have their own agendas, and others with problems like active alcoholics and drug abusers.
I don't really think "rational", or reasonable, caring, stable people, and I've found there are fewer out there than we may think, should be the ones to be getting involved with very unstable people - it's like oil and water. It ends up hurting us more than it would hurt other people, because we can really feel how unfair it is and get deeply frustrated and guilted by it. My unstable (mentally ill/drug users/personality disordered) relatives and former friends do better just being involved with their own level of out-there friends, they just kind of exchange the crazy and don't try to force reason, logic, give and take on each other, all the things we know as normal and healthy in relationships. Maybe it's not fair that we try to use reason with them when they aren't wired that way. Some types of people are just incompatible.
Kathryn, don't mean to highjack your thread with my similar situation, but wondering what you will do if friend should contact you again (it looks like it has been a week). My ex--"friend" contacted me today (I was out, so we didn't speak). It's one thing to not initiate contact, but is it another to not return a phone call? I suppose I could call back and, depending on how the conversation goes (I can't imagine that there will be a big difference), just remind her that neither one of us seems to be profiting from the friendship...
Well, I have blocked her since her last phone call was late at night and completely off the chain. Homey don't play dat. So she won't be calling me.
If she shows up at my door, I will not let her in.
It's sad to come to this but she pushed the envelope one time too many.
I wouldn't call her back if I were you if you're not planning on continuing the relationship. But that's just my opinion based on my own situation.
My "friend", to her credit, doesn't blow up and do much blaming of me...it's more whining and ruminating about her problems and never thinking about me (or anyone else---even new boyfriend of just a few months!). Definitely not listening to anything I say (just saying "Uh huh") when I try to insert just 5% just as a little balance to giving her 95% of the phone call.
Saying "Your therapist is the better person to talk to, anyway" is genius! It reminds her that friend does not equal therapist. Although I do think she will counter with, "But I don't really like my therapist or get that much from her."
My friend never blamed me either till this past phone call - and then wow, she made up for lost time. NO. Not putting up with this in my life!
In the last year and a half I stumbled into the same situation. Barney, we'll call him was a very interesting, charming young man, I met in our computer room in our building. Smart, very social- we had great conversations. The some of the episodes started. Minor in the beginning. Irritable, unpredictable...then all of a sudden everything would seem "Normal". He spent time at my apartment watching movies. Then, he would say really strange things. Then he got verbally abusive. This went back and forth. Finally he became reclusive, and when I did run into him, he'd look at me like he wanted to kill me. His perfectly manicured beard became long and scraggly. He lost tons of weight.
Finally, even though my Christian friends kept saying "Grace, grace, grace"..I decided I couldn't take it anymore. A couple of times when he was very hyper I asked if he was "on" anything. I thought he was on speed for sure. After researching bipolar, I realized this was just another symptom. Currently, I have decided to avoid him. I've tried and tried. He goes on and of medication constantly- mainly off. He's been drug away to the hospital. One time I found him outside walking in a loop. I can't do it. Right now he just glares at me. I'm afraid one day I'll open the door and he'll be there with a hatchet.
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