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I have a friend - or rather, I HAD a friend - who is bipolar. I mean, straight up, needing lots of meds, been in and out of the behavioral science clinic, bipolar. I've known her for about fifteen years.
When her medications are working, she's a charming and interesting person and one I have a lot in common with when it comes to interests - we both really like art and visiting art museums, we both like the same movies and books, we love to travel and have done a lot of it, and we share common values. We also really enjoy each others' sense of humor. In other words, when her meds are effective, we get along very well and enjoy a mutually beneficial friendship.
Even on the meds, her mood swings are pretty evident, but I'm not a "fair weather friend." For over a decade, I put up with her cycles of depression and her cycles of hyperactivity - even when her meds were working pretty well, I could always tell which cycle she was in, and was supportive of her regardless of which cycle she was operating in, if that makes sense. She would get unnecessarily distraught over her marriage, her finances, etc when she was in a down cycle, and would get very morose and negative, but I was always there for her and to her credit she seemed to appreciate that for a long time. Also - I'm not a person who gets depressed often, but I went through a divorce about ten years ago and I have to admit that she was certainly there for me and did a lot to encourage me and support my decisions at that time.
On her "up swings" she could be inappropriately loud and very domineering in her conversations, with me or with ANYONE in earshot. Sometimes she would embarrass me in public, but sometimes she was just flat out hilarious and very fun to be around. To her credit, she was pretty receptive when I'd say, "Hey, calm it down a bit - you're over the top."
My brother and my mom are bipolar, so I guess she found it refreshing to be friends with someone who has an understanding of what she's dealing with - and who has a higher tolerance level for it than most people.
Well, over time she began to disregard my personal boundaries - it was as if they didn't exist. She would just barrel right over them. An example is that when she was in a down cycle, she'd get very unhappy about her marriage, and she'd call me crying and upset - always about the same old stuff, which was basically her husband retreating when she was out of control on either end of the spectrum, and just the troubles you'd EXPECT in a marriage with someone with severe mood swings. Did her husband do everything perfectly? No. But he wasn't abusive - and she would be very difficult to live with. She never took a bit of my advice and would basically call me crying and sometimes hysterical and go on for an hour or more. Her modus operandum during these times would be to call me at 8 am sharp every Saturday morning and I'd listen to her till about 10 am. She knew my husband would be sleeping in during that time and that I'd be sitting there drinking coffee and listening to her same complaints and hysterical crying every Saturday morning for weeks on end - till she'd enter the "up" cycle and they'd stop for awhile, while she reveled in how great her marriage was and how much she truly loved her husband.
I had been tired of this for awhile, and tried to tell her about my frustrations, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Doggone it, I didn't want to start every single weekend off with a two hour crying jag from my hysterical friend - but I also felt that she needed someone to listen to her, and I also tried very hard to discuss her meds with her and her treatment plan - and sometimes she seemed to listen to that. But then she overstepped the line one time too many.
I was on vacation with my husband - and of course I'd told her this, but she would get so self centered that in retrospect I doubt she even remembered that. Anyway, it was on a Saturday morning, as usual, and my husband and I were up early because we were going ziplining - on our vacation. In fact, we'd already had breakfast and I had just happened to leave my phone in the car while he and I went into a convenience store on the way to the ziplining area. When I got back into the car, there was a ten minute long message from my friend - her usual crying and sniffling and her wailing, "Please answer your phone - I am so desperately unhappy, I've got to talk to you, my husband is driving me crazy sob sob sob sob I'm so unhappy sniff sniff sniff sniff I need to talk to someone PLEASE CALL ME BACK BECAUSE I'M JUST SO MISERABLE sob sob sob, etc etc etc."
No. No. That was it. I had had it. Just two days before, I had been telling her how excited we were about our vacation, getting away together FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY, and how I'd be out of town for awhile but would call her when we got back. Apparently none of that mattered to her.
I felt like a heel, but I never called her back. In fact, I didn't talk with her for three years. A few weeks into that, a mutual friend called me and told me how frustrated she was with dealing with her and how concerned she was about her mental state and how she'd begged her to get with her doctor and revisit her medication schedule because it wasn't working as it was, and she just refused to listen - as usual. I had had enough.
Fast forward to last week, nearly three years later. Out of the blue, I get a call from my former friend - an angry, hyperactive call - she was clearly in her manic mode and was demanding to know why I had quit calling her - so I just told her. I mean, I was gentle about it but I said, "You are asking a legitimate question, so I am going to give you an honest answer." At which point she said, "You mean you are going to be HONEST with me? WELL THAT'S A CHANGE."
Of course, she couldn't remember a bit of what I described to her and accused me of lying to her on a regular basis (I have never lied to her), running so late that I had caused her to "miss all sorts of events she wanted to attend in Fort Worth," (never happened), etc etc and then she told me that she had given her mental illness over to God and that HE HAD HEALED HER and she was OFF ALL HER MEDS AND WAS DOING GREAT. Honestly, she was so hyperactive and manic that I couldn't get a word in edgewise. She interspersed her angry words toward me with some talk of reconciliation - how we could move past this and we could resume our friendship, she forgave me for neglecting her, etc etc. I was so alarmed by her obvious mental crisis that I didn't know really what to say - and this leads me to my question:
What should I have done? I mean, she's not my mother, she's not my sister, she's not my moral responsibility. Yes, she used to be a friend, but a friendship with someone like her is extremely difficult to maintain. Honestly, I felt like I was assaulted by her. I also feel like she is probably at the worst I've ever seen when it comes to mania (I've seen her very depressed as well, but was able to encourage her to check herself into a facility at that point). I feel terrible about this on one level - but I also don't know what I can do for her - and if I let her back into my life, I think her needs will once again encroach on my boundaries. In fact, she just did so, by ranting at me, accusing me of untrue things, etc.
I just don't think I can deal with her. After all, I already have to deal with my mother (unmedicated for bipolar disorder - she refuses to take any meds though she's been diagnosed with it) and my brother (on meds and 100 percent disabled by his mental illness). I think my plate is full enough, but then I think of what has got to be a terrible life for this woman who used to be my friend, and I want to help her.
Is her husband still in the picture? If so, could you reach out to him? It doesn't sound like your old friend is in the state of mind to accept help even if you wanted to give it. If you want to help it may have to be in a round about manner. If you choose to cut her out of your life, I think that is totally understandable as well and definitely not selfish.
BUT, you have to take care of your self....I joke and say..."No one else IS!"
Even if you lovingly say you are busy with ur mom when you avoid her.
Or you are not doing 'that well' today.
"Honey, I just don't have the energy today. I have to run now, even. Byebye." Click.
Before she has time to abuse you, which she is.
I know this Christian ethic or loving our neighbor as our self is a biggy.
But if someone is drowning and they are pulling us down...there is no choice...
we have to push them away...Jesus wouldn't even go into a town where he knew they
were not open to his words.
(I think u and I have talked before in a 'Christian way'...so I think it is ok I say this.)
People pull at our hearts, I know.
Fences make good neighbors, remember.
Oh, I was thinking ...you could ask...Has anything I have done so far helped her?
Maybe this could wake her up to take her meds or get prof help.
Is her husband still in the picture? If so, could you reach out to him? It doesn't sound like your old friend is in the state of mind to accept help even if you wanted to give it. If you want to help it may have to be in a round about manner. If you choose to cut her out of your life, I think that is totally understandable as well and definitely not selfish.
In her ranting at me the other night, she said they were divorced. I think I could find him though and reach out to him. I may do that. That's a good idea. Thanks for the advice.
BUT, you have to take care of your self....I joke and say..."No one else IS!"
Even if you lovingly say you are busy with ur mom when you avoid her.
Or you are not doing 'that well' today.
"Honey, I just don't have the energy today. I have to run now, even. Byebye." Click.
Before she has time to abuse you, which she is.
I know this Christian ethic or loving our neighbor as our self is a biggy.
But if someone is drowning and they are pulling us down...there is no choice...
we have to push them away...Jesus wouldn't even go into a town where he knew they
were not open to his words.
(I think u and I have talked before in a 'Christian way'...so I think it is ok I say this.)
People pull at our hearts, I know.
Fences make good neighbors, remember.
Oh, I was thinking ...you could ask...Has anything I have done so far helped her?
Maybe this could wake her up to take her meds or get prof help.
Yes, I am coming at this from a Christian perspective, so thanks for considering that and giving the examples you gave.
I feel so badly for her because she is obviously not taking her meds (her admission) and thinks that God has healed her. Well, my brother takes his meds even though he doesn't want to, and while he is a Christian, and believes that God can heal - he also knows that God has not healed him of his bipolar disorder, and he knows that even though there are side effects he doesn't like from the meds (weight gain and a dulling of his emotions), it is his responsibility to handle his illness with maturity and wisdom, which means taking his meds and listening to the feedback from those who love him.
She needs a psychologist, not a friend to help her. Maybe you could have that discussion with her or her husband.
She needs a PSYCHIATRIST, not just a psychologist! You're right, a friend is of limited help. She's divorced now (no surprise there) but even though Texas is not a state with alimony, it is a state that offers three years of spousal support if a spouse hasn't worked in several years, so I'm sure she's getting some spousal support from her husband, which is about to run out since they've been divorced nearly three years (ironically, she was talking about getting back together with him in our one sided conversation - I wonder if he knows she's considering that?). I think I need to find him and share my concerns with him. I always liked her husband.
I just had a similar conversation about a bipolar friend who is also a chronic liar. My sister and I are very concerned about this friend, so we reached out to one of her family members. He's apparently heard it all over the last 30 years. He explained to me that the rest of the family had to cut her off for their own sanity and safety. He's prepared for that phone call one day - she's either been arrested or is dead. It was so sad and tragic, but after talking to him I understood more about what it's like to be a family member of someone like that.
I spent some time in a facility for severe depression, and they lumped everyone in the bipolar group. I saw first hand what someone looks like when they're manic and when they're rapid cycling. Very scary. There are many bipolar people who are able to be functioning members of society, and there are some who, for whatever reason, are not. Obviously this friend needs support from family and friends, but at some point, you have to put yourself first.
Oh, and I just saw that 'selfish' was in the orig post title....
You must put on your oxygen mask first, before putting it on your kids....
Now THAT is selfish!.... kidding.
Selfish gets a bad rap....we must be centered and balanced before helping others.
Think of all the times Jesus went off to
pray in solitude....so many many times.
(Sorry, really don't mean to be talking about Jesus here...but he was a good
example for many things.)
We need to replenish and restore ourselves before we can ever help anyone else.
A month away from her and Kathy might be ready to engage again...
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