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People seem to have this self-entitled attitude that making friends is so easy and instant and bemoan finding those who are similar minded. The fact of the matter is, the world is full of people and it's going to hard to encounter those who are similar backgrounds, let alone mentality. Most people you meet are either good enough to exchange a casual greeting and then be on your way or you don't say anything to them. Generally the ones who are friends with you the longest are from school (like college) and you grow up together and stick by together cuz you know each other from way back. Other than that, most people are not open minded and understanding enough to make new friends beyond a certain age range. As for the shy/socially awkward people, STOP over analyzing why you're not making friends. A lot of non-shy/ socially tactful people don't make friends either!
Agreed. Many people are not cut out for that stuff.
I went to a meetup once and I was very uncomfortable. Everyone (or almost everyone) there was coupled up. That was 5 years ago and I never went again.
I haven't made a new real life friend in 22 years and I highly doubt it will happen again. If you work that may be your best bet but even that won't be easy. If you are an introvert and haven't made friends by the time you hit your 40s I'm afraid you are doomed.
Nonsense love. I met a woman walking my dogs and we're besties now. I also found John's friend that we lost touch with a while back riding my bike late at night. We're going to his house next Saturday and socializing with his friends as well. I'm so excited. He has a two cats and a dog too. Even better. I have made many friendships at work, on the internet, and just walking down the street. Being introverted is a challenge, but it's not impossible to make friends if you want it bad enough. We are cyber friends John my love.
I've had my share of friends who disappeared like dust, even a best friend. Many do only want you to be their friend if you can keep up with them financially or if they can hold someone over you.
However, do not lose your hope.
I was in my mid 40s, stay home mom, laid off due to the Recession, had care issues that kept me home all day. My only friends were online. We moved a lot and I never clicked with anyone or they moved away.
I have a spouse, but I was so darn lonely for another lady to talk to. My sister was miles away caught up in her own issues and I felt like I would burst from being around "just males" all the time.
We moved to another place in 2013 and I vowed I was going to get out of my cocoon. I volunteered to get job experience and met my now BEST friend. I stopped volunteering after a few months but I am still friends with her. She has brought joy to my life and made me open up and be happier.
We left that town and we don't see each other a lot but I met another lady through my son (they both do similar hobbies) and we are now friends.
Hang in there, all you people who think "I am far too old" to ever meet another friend. Sometimes it takes a long time and loneliness is terrible but you can find a friend, too. Keep being true to you and your hobbies and interests, talk to people, and you will find someone who is like you, too.
Now, my husband is an introvert and still has "no friends" but if he would be more open to work friendships he probably could have some. He believes in "keeping his personal life" apart from work. I understand why.
It is harder as an introvert. Someone has to "make the first move." For me, usually that's another person, who asks if I want to meet up sometime. Sometimes it's me. It is scary, but there's not really any other way to move from "acquaintance who doesn't know me" to "friend who does."
Gosh, I actually find it rather easy to meet people. I'm in my 40's and I swear I make new friends every week, but, I still only have a very tiny circle of really special friends. I'm comfortable with that as I just love my SO and my dogs and cat.
I find this very hard to believe. Since you said "every week" and you are in your mid-40s do you really know over 1000 people in real life you call friends? Impossible. I highly doubt all of those people, or even a tiny fraction of that consider you a friend.
Or is everyone you meet your friend?
It does sound like you may have more acquaintances than most people do.
I met most of my friends through friends, but some I met through chat networks (when I used to have a lot of spare time).
I used to initiate conversations with random strangers when I was in my 20s & younger, but I stopped after too many people mistook my friendliness as sexual interest in them and some acted paranoid of me (probably because I'm sometimes mistaken for a homeless person due to my choice of a disheveled appearance).
Since the late 1990s, I've avoided my habit of initiating conversations with strangers and only talk with strangers when they initiate, but most of the people who initiate conversations with strangers tend to want something--money, sex and/or someone to use drugs with.
Not many friendly people here talk to random people on the street like they used to when I was young, so to meet new people for friendships it takes friends, getting a dog, joining an interest club (photography club, for example), or going to specific events where people socialize (but for some reason some people who go to them aren't openly sociable types which is weird).
I find this very hard to believe. Since you said "every week" and you are in your mid-40s do you really know over 1000 people in real life you call friends? Impossible. I highly doubt all of those people, or even a tiny fraction of that consider you a friend.
Or is everyone you meet your friend?
It does sound like you may have more acquaintances than most people do.
Not happening for me. I am not that trusting.
I understand where you're coming from. I grew up in a upper-middle class family and as a young adult was somewhat sheltered and quite frankly a bit naive.
When I was younger, I used to make the mistake of revealing too much of my personal info to new acquaintances and was frequently stabbed in the back.
Instead of becoming less trusting of people, I learned to modify my behavior. I learned to stop revealing too much of myself in the beginning, and instead to let the friendships develop to a certain point before I started to confide into them. I would initially keep conversations limited to subjects like the weather, current events (except politics), changes at the the workplace and common interests. I also learned to trust my intuition more and thus avoided the pitfalls I experienced earlier in failed friendships.
Some examples are: The lady who gave me a fresh baked load of bread who I have only known for 2 months, a guy younger than me who works at the V.A., and another women who I made friends with about 7 months ago.
The lady who I have known for only 2 months would always greet me with a smile and asked me how did I like the pasteles that I bought. We started talking and discovered that we had shared interests in cooking and going to ethnic festivals. Initially, we kept our conversations limited to superficial subjects and as time went by she started to confide into me about her family. I still haven't revealed too much of myself, but she does know how many siblings I have and some other intimate details about me because she asked about it.
The guy who works at the V.A. and I became friends through another mutual friend of ours who I used to meet for lunch until my work schedule changed recently. He was always friendly towards me, and liked to joke a lot. He told me about his former struggles with addiction and how he was able to turn his life around by getting into a program for former veterans like himself. He now has a good paying job with the V.A.. He's told me about his family and his hopes and aspirations for both himself and his children. He has done me favors by giving me rides sometimes and even by occasionally buying me lunch. Since I like to cook, I have brought him lunch sometimes, confided to him about certain things about myself and I know he's the type of friend that will always have my back.
The last example is the other new friend I made 7 months ago. We always had friendly conversations on the bus and gradually started becoming closer by visiting each others homes and going out occasionally for shared meals. We both are animal lovers, she with her 4 rabbits, and me with my one cat and canary. We also like to watch art and foreign films and have lent each other DVDs we thought the other would enjoy. What really touched me about her is, I was raving about the Ravani Greek Cake I had at the Greek Festival a few months ago. Although my birthday was on October 30th, around Thanksgiving she came to my office and presented me with her 1st attempt to bake this Greek Cake. She said, "I know it's past your birthday, but I baked this cake as a belated birthday present for you." "It might not be as good as the cake you had at the festival since it's my 1st attempt, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!" "Happy Belated Birthday!" Wow, that really made me feel great!
I've learned for myself that trust and loyalty are the two most important things to have in a close friendship. I also learned to stay away from gossipers. People who love to gossip in my experience aren't trustworthy, and they usually always reveal themselves within the first few times you interact with them by the constant negative things they say about other people.
People who have a life of their own are too busy with their own life and about things that interests them about the world to talk about others.
Last edited by Honolulu21; 12-07-2014 at 03:55 AM..
Thank you. It's a very bad situation. When one is unemployed even less people want you, especially if you want to date. But I am trying to land work. It's not as easy as some make it out to be.
John, I think its well known on this board that I was also unemployed (for a long time). I can relate to being undateable (whether unemployed or not) and how hard it is to find a job. The U6 (the real unemployment rate, in my view) is 11.5%. That number includes people working part time wanting full time work and people who ran out of benefits and not being counted in the published unemployment rate, which is 5.8%. I had to move to the midwest for a job and I know nobody in this city. I've been here 2 years and have 3 friends. I guess thats ok except they're all married and I feel like an outsider. Same thing at work, everyone is married. Its the culture here to get married very young. So as an older divorced guy, I'm a fish out of water here, as well as an introvert. I'm also choosy about who I become friends with, but I want more friends and to find a wife. For me, the only thing I know to do now is to get a dog. But I don't have a yard and the weather is awful here, so I wouldn't want to be out in it walking the dog. But I'm thinking the benefits might outweigh those things. Not sure, but I've tried everything else (church, meetup, online dating, volunteering, etc) to meet people, unsuccessfully. Anyway, I tell you all this to let you know you're not alone in your frustrations with life/people.
I haven't read through the entire thread, so I don't know if someone has already mentioned it-- meetup.com It is a great resource. Went to my first one--nice little group of women who get together to knit. All kinds of groups/meet ups.
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I understand where you're coming from...
